Family Therapy Cullen Style
by vjgm
Summary: Carlisle has had it with the children's constant bickering so he sends the Cullen's to family therapy. Suicidal Edward,Bella's fear of committment, Alice addicted to shopping, Rosalie's hostility, Emmett and Japer's gambling..who will survive? FUNNY
1. Quit your Bickering

**Family Therapy – Cullen Style**

_So here we go again! I want to the jashaw who gave me this hilarious idea and is letting me run with it. I hope you get a good laugh out of it._

_The first two chapters are from Carlisle's point of view, something new for me, to be in the mind of Carlisle Cullen. He may read as much more sarcastic than usual, sorry if you are a Twilight purist, that's just how my mind works:) it's funnier that way so I take artistic license with it. _

_Bella is still human, and she and Edward are not yet married but they have graduated from High school. Tensions have been running high in the house so they are all on edge and short with each other so they are slightly OOC.. just warning you... Review when you're done._

_**I own nothing. Boo Hoo Stephenie Meyer owns the crazy Cullen family. I just mess with their minds :)**_

**Quit your Bickering**

**Carlisle's POV**

It had been a long day at the hospital, I had not seen the sun all day long. It had yet to rise when I left this morning and had already set as I slowly walked out of the hospital. With darkness all round me, I saw the lights of my home dancing in the distance.

The car glided into the garage and I hurried into the house, anxious to see my wife. There was nothing I liked more at the end of a long day than to spend some quiet time with her. Images of her smiling face filled my head as I threw open the door to the house.

"Esme..."

I didn't get another word out before I was verbally attacked by my loving family.

"Carlisle, look what the boys did to my wall, again!" Esme was pointing at a huge, Emmett shaped dent in the wall. She had just got done repainting the kitchen from the flying frying pan incident the night before...

"Emmett is the most inconsiderate person I have ever met" Edward huffed. Emmett no doubt had made another off color comment about Bella.

"Jasper keeps messing with my emotions! It's not my fault." Emmett whined. Of course, Jasper got bored and manipulated Emmett into saying something stupid and Edward overreacted as always.

"Oh Edward, just because you can't control your temper doesn't mean it's Jasper's fault! Take some personal responsibility." Alice chimed in, protecting her husband even though she knew he was, in fact, to blame.

"Well, if your husband would stop getting mine in trouble, I would appreciate it Alice. And you and your little girlfriend need to get some thicker skin!" Rosalie hissed as she pointed her finger at Edward and Bella. She still refused to accept Bella as a part of this family and of course she was the only one allowed to constantly manipulate Emmett's fragile emotional state .

"Hi Carlisle. How was your day?" Bella asked sheepishly from the couch. Why is the human the only sensible one? You would think that with all of our years of experience we would at the least be able to begin to master the most important relationships in our lives.

"Hello Bella. My day was terrible thanks for asking. As for the rest of you, I want to have a family meeting right now! Bella would you please join us?" I smiled at her, but turned to glare at the rest of them as they all silently walked over to the dining room table. When everyone was seated, I took my spot at the head of the table. Normally I would sit, but I was too irritated and so I began pacing behind the chair as I tried to figure out what we should do to fix this situation. They all waited patiently and gave me a moment with my thoughts.

This type of welcome home had become increasingly routine. I would walk through the door only to see the boys wrestling around on the floor, a wake of damage to Esme's house all around them, or the girls would be bickering about one thing or another. Things like this happened when people lived together for decades, it was somewhat normal, but the fact they continued to fight over the same ridiculous things was starting wear on my patience. It had to stop, and I made my decision about how we would proceed. They would hate it, and I wasn't sure it would work, but there were some issues that needed to be addressed by this family and I saw this as the safest way to proceed. They would all be forced to be on their best behavior and who knows, it just might work or at the very least, annoy them into behaving better.

_Get out of my head Edward, you'll find out when they do. And you will not like my decision, but you and Bella will go along with it without complaint. _Edward nodded apologetically, knowing he had been caught.

That boy just hated to wait like the rest of them. Then Alice groaned, she obviously saw my decision now that it was made. "Enough from you Alice." I responded to her glaring eyes with raised eyebrows. She clenched her jaw and quieted down.

"So thank you all for coming to this meeting. I wanted to talk to you all about some of the things that have been going on around here lately." I started calmly. I saw Edward roll his eyes, Emmett pointed at Jasper and Rosalie shot a nasty look Bella's way. Perfect start...my open minded vampire family.

"Over the last few weeks, I have noticed the arguing around here has really increased...the fights are happening daily and the verbal attacks on each other, and to our guests," I gave Bella a nod "have turned more vicious than ever. I am not blaming anyone in particular," Emmett coughed Jasper's name causing Alice to smack him. I crossed my arms and waited for their attention. When they realized I was watching, they looked solemnly down at the table.

"This is just one of those things that can happen to our kind when you spend every minute of the day together for several decades. I don't want anyone to leave, or go live on their own for a while, I don't feel that is the best thing to do in this situation. I have another suggestion that I would like the family to try, and when I say family, I'm including you in that Bella." Her eyes got wide and a nervous smile played on her face. Of course, Rosalie rolled her eyes at me calling Bella family but she was as much a part of this family as any of us even if she was human. Here's where things would get sticky... I took a deep breath and said "As head of this house I am making an executive decision we are all going to family therapy."

Edward slammed his hand on the table and started talking so fast under his breath, I simply ignored him. Rosalie continued filing her nails, completely ignoring me. Emmett scoffed at the suggestion while I could feel Jasper's confusion from across the table. Alice still had her jaw set and refused to look at me. My eyes immediately went to Esme's, she would be the voice of reason, she would see why this was necessary.

"Do you really think that's a good idea Carlisle?" She asked tentatively looking around the room at the children's' reactions. "And are there really vampire family therapists?"

"Well, no, but a new _human_ family therapist just joined on at the hospital and I think he may be able to help us. I had lunch with him a few times and I have heard he is very good, I think you all would like Dr. Dover, he's young and he has a lot of fresh ideas. He might be able to help us."

Bella looked over at Edward, who had assumed his uber-stressed pose with his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, before she spoke. "Um, I'll go Carlisle if you think it will help everyone." Her voice was so timid, but I knew she was a stubborn girl and when she made a decision she stuck with it which meant...Edward was now in whether he liked it or not. He'd never let Bella do this alone. I smiled.

_Looks like you'll be joining us son, I am so happy. _

Edward glanced at me, and then quickly went to work on Bella since he realized they were a package deal. "Bella, you do not have to go to therapy with my family. Just because _they_ all have mental issues, doesn't mean you have to endure this kind of punishment."

"This coming from our suicidal brother! Edward, if anyone need to be there it is you! We have all put up with your self hatred, your anger issues and now your new stalkerish tendencies for over half a century." Rosalie spat at him. Edward rose to his feet but Bella clutched his arm. He glanced down at her and she simply said "Please, sit down Edward." and he listened. She really was the best thing that ever happened to him.

"Rosalie is right. Why do we have to go to therapy if Edward's the one with all the issues? Make him go, and when he's normal, everything will be better." Emmett bellowed.

I held up my hands to make them stop. "Listen, if you want me to go around the room and tell you why I think you need therapy, fine. Edward...well, you know why, Rose just told you." Edward growled in Rosalie's direction. Bella placed a supportive hand on his shoulder.

"Jasper, with power comes responsibility. Feeling our emotions is something you may not be able to control but manipulating them for your own enjoyment is quite another and you do it all the time now, like it's some sort of sick compulsion. Not to mention the fact that your lack of control almost ended Bella's life maybe you should focus a little more on your own emotional state instead of everyone else's."

"Alice, you also manipulate and meddle in things that aren't your business. Bella and Edward's future is just that _their _future. Let people make their own mistakes quit trying to be the controlling power of the universe. People make mistakes that is how they learn. You need to admit that your shopping addiction has gotten out of control. You are masking your problems instead of learning to deal with them. And why on earth do you care so much what Bella's clothes look like? She is a real person Alice, you have to let her be who she is. She is not your personal Barbie doll." Alice looked sheepishly down at the floor.

"Rosalie, for some reason you have an issue with Bella and though you make no secret about it the big secret is why that is? Are you jealous? Do you need to be the center of attention that badly? I have tried to talk to you about it at length as well as every other member of the family and you refuse to budge. Bella is going to be a part of this family and you need to open up to that idea. Edward loves her. I know you see that, now accept it." Rosalie shot rays of death at me with her eyes.

"Emmett, you need to be more considerate of everyone. No one likes someone who constantly makes them the brunt of their jokes. You enjoy making others feel uncomfortable. It has become a game for you to embarrass Edward and Bella on a daily basis. You know it never ends well, yet you continue. Why do you feel the necessity to always be "the funny guy" ? What insecurities are you hiding behind the laughter?" Emmett's head bowed down in surrender.

"Esme and I have tried everything we can think of but now I feel it is time we seek professional help. I am not expecting any of you to enjoy this, but I am expecting you to respect my opinion and participate. Are we clear?" I asked.

As I surveyed the room, I saw Esme nod supportively, Alice and Jasper exchanged a look and gave a small smile, Edward rolled his eyes, but Bella had already agreed to go so he was in like it or not. Rosalie muttered 'Fine' under her breath, and Emmett gave me the thumbs up so they all had agreed, grudgingly.

"Thank you all for agreeing. Now I do have some ground rules for our therapy sessions that I would like you all to abide by. The doctor is human, so obviously keep our secret, but please be as honest with him as possible, that's the only way he can help. And, it would make life a bit easier for Esme and I if we kept the fact that Alice and Jasper and you and Rosalie are married to ourselves..." I said as I eyed Emmett.

"What, you don't want Dr. Dover knowing you let your kids shack up under your roof, dad?" Emmett jabbed, playfully with a big grin on his face.

"Yes, Emmett, I would prefer that stay between us. If possible..." Knowing Emmett and Edward's tempers, I assumed one of them would let it slip and if I had to guess, I'd guess Emmett would be the one so spill the beans so to speak.

"I will make some phone calls and see how soon I can get us in to see the doctor."

_Edward it's getting late, Bella needs to get home._ He gave me a nod and took Bella by the hand.

"Goodnight Carlisle." Bella said as she came over and gave me a goodbye hug.

"Goodbye Bella, thank you for listening and for your help with Edward." I laughed, there was no point in whispering, Edward would hear me anyway.

"This should be interesting..." She giggled.

"You have no idea!" I couldn't help but laugh myself. Did I really just suggest 7 vampires and one human go to family therapy? This was going to be a wild ride.

_**Chapter one, just for you! What did you think? Please review and say Hi :)**_


	2. What is his name?

_Chapter 2...In here I have included a very cheesy joke which I am sure you all have heard, so no flames on it being a stupid joke. The funny part is hearing it come out of Edward's mouth...it had me laughing for five minutes so I used it :) Enjoy !_

**What is his name?**

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Cullen's, I just drove them into therapy :)**

**Carlisle's POV**

It had been ten days since I suggested we all go to family therapy and things had gotten a little bit better between the kids, but that was because most of them weren't actually speaking to one another. Edward and Rosalie refused to even be in the same room together and Emmett and Alice had got into an argument about Jasper which ended badly, so they spent most of the day ignoring one another.

Today was going to be our first appointment with the doctor. Esme and I were patiently waiting outside of Dr. Dover's office for the kids to arrive. I glanced at the clock again, and Esme gently placed her hand on my leg "They will be here Carlisle, they gave you their word. Edward probably let Bella drive so it would take them longer to get here." She said with a knowing smile. "And knowing Emmett and Jasper, they have a bet on who can drive the slowest. Let's make sure we mention their little gambling obsession to Dr. Dover as well..." I couldn't contain my laughter at that point and neither could Esme.

Our happy moment was interrupted by a loud bang as the double doors flew open, revealing five very annoyed vampires and one terrified human. "Hello children. Are you ready for our appointment?" I asked trying to muster up false enthusiasm. A number of growls came from the group.

"Don't growl at your father. And remember, I expect you all to be on your best behavior when we walk in that door. Your father works in this hospital, please do not forget that." Esme looked at each and every one of their faces before she opened the door to the doctor's office. One by one they filed in the door, heads hung down toward the floor. I waited, until they were all safely inside the office, before I entered.

_Here goes nothing_. I thought to myself.

We were ushered into a large conference room with an oval shaped table in the middle, surrounded by 12 chairs. The receptionist told us to make ourselves comfortable and the doctor would be with us in a minute.

"What no couches?" Alice asked disappointed. "I thought we got to lay down and spill our guts."

"I was hoping for a nap..." Rosalie sneered.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. It was only going to get worse... Emmett got up and started reading the framed diplomas that hung on the wall. His face was examining one, that I could tell from the design, was Dr. Dover's medical licenses when suddenly, he burst into hysterical laughter. A second later, Edward's normally reserved facade split into hysteria, apparently he looked to see what Emmett found so amusing.

"Would you two care to share what is so funny, or would you prefer to keep it a private joke?" I asked sounding as uninterested as possible, hoping they would take the hint and settle down before the doctor walked in the room and committed us all.

Emmett gasped for air before spitting out a few words "His...name...Dr. ...Dover...Benjamin...oh my gosh.. ..." At this point Bella and Jasper both exploded which set off Emmett again.

I glared at Edward and thought _What the hell is so funny Edward? You guys are acting like two year olds._

Edward closed his eyes to regain his composure, knowing my patience was past it's limit and we hadn't even seen the doctor yet. "Carlisle...his name is Benjamin Dover...get it..." Alice and Rosalie started howling so they obviously did "Dr. Ben...Dover. His parents must not have liked him very much..." And with that, my normally composed son, fell out of his chair.

I looked at Esme, who was fighting very hard to not laugh herself, at this moment. Shaking my head I said "Maybe we should leave, this is never going to work." I no sooner said the words, when the door to the conference room flew open and Dr. Dover froze in the doorway, shocked at the scene before him.

Edward was sprawled across the floor, Emmett was leaning on the wall laughing so hard all the diplomas and pictures were shaking, the girls all had their faces buried down in their arms on the table and Jasper sat there clutching his sides, unable to speak. Mortified, I jumped to my feet and extended my hand "Dr. Dover thank you so much for seeing us. This is my wife Esme and these...these are our children...they're just a little nervous I think." I mumbled hoping to explain their bizarre behavior.

Esme took control of the situation "Children, please control yourselves so we can introduce you to Dr. Dover." Instantly, they all quieted down, Bella however was gasping for air from all her laughter and her face was an incredibly bright shade of pink. The boys bit their lips and Alice clasped her hand over her mouth to calm her giggles. "Thank you." Esme said as she sat back down at the table.

The children went around the table and introduced themselves to Dr. Dover and all managed to keep their composure when he introduced himself to them, thank goodness.

"So Carlisle, can you tell me what made you decide to try family therapy?" Dr. Dover asked as he leaned across the table, interested.

"Well, we have a very unusual situation in our family. Having adopted so many children around the same age, has given us, a unique set of issues. Five teenagers under one roof for years, and all in relationships can make things, stressful at times. We also have moved around a lot which had added stress to the family I'm sure." I felt like I had been rambling forever so I glanced to Esme for help.

"We just think if the children could talk a little about some of the things that are bothering them, clear the air if you will, then we can work on fixing our problems and moving forward. I guess that is why we are here doctor." Esme said with confidence. The children all refused to make eye contact with the doctor or each other, probably afraid they'd start laughing again.

Dr. Dover cleared his throat as he finished jotting things down on his notepad. "Ok, so let me see if I understand the family dynamics...Rosalie and Jasper you are twins?" They both shook their heads yes. "And Emmett, Edward and Alice you are siblings?" Edward nodded for the three of them. Then Dr. Dover turned to Bella "And you Bella, you are Edward's girlfriend?" Bella of course blushed and quietly answered "Yes." He jotted a few more items down before looking back at Bella.

"Soooo" Dr. Dover started "Where should we begin?" An innocent enough question for him to utter, however, I don't think he was expecting to see five fingers pointing at the same person, Edward.

"I told you this was a bad idea. " Edward grumbled to Bella who was the only person in the room who didn't point at Edward when Dr. Dover posed his question.

"Why did you all point at Edward when I asked that question?" Dr. Dover asked curiously. His pen was poised to take notes based on their answers.

"Because they hate me." Edward said plainly, void of all emotion.

"Edward we don't hate you, you just have issues, major issues, Edward. " Alice chirped.

"And Alice, what do you feel Edward's issues are? " Dr. dover asked.

"Well lets see, I am not a professional, but he has in the past had suicidal tendencies, he can be overbearing, he overreacts, he is a masochist and he constantly refers to himself as a monster, just to name a few..." Alice rattled off Edward's shortcomings without taking a breath.

"Don't forget sexually repressed " Emmett chimed in. Edward threw himself up from the table and was about to walk out the door.

"Yes dear brother, I may be repressed, but you, you and _your partner_ however, are sexual deviants!" Edward's eyes were as black as coal as he spoke. Bella ran to his side, trying her best to calm him down.

"Emmett, why do you always have to do that to him? You know it upsets him, and yet you never miss an opportunity to get your digs in..." I hadn't seen Bella that upset at Emmett before. This wouldn't be good...Rosalie stood up.

"Don't you dare talk to my... _brother_ that way, you, you...insignificant little _girl_." Rosalie edited her statement well, but Bella got the point. She was being insulted for being human again. Here goes Edward...

"Apologize to her Rose." Edward commanded. He of course, stepped in front of Bella, assuming a protective stance. All the while, the doctor was writing furiously...great, he was on the second page already.

"Come on guys, let's all relax." Jasper said as I started to get a fuzzy feeling in my stomach. Edward relaxed slightly but then, Bella, leaned into him and laid a big kiss on him, taking him of guard. I saw Jasper snicker.

"Jasper Hale! Stop it now." I hissed. How could he do that? He calms the rest of us, but gets Bella all lusty in front of the doctor? How in the world was I going to explain that? Now Bella looked like a sexual deviant herself! Bella blushed new shades of red before running away from Edward and burying her face on the table. Edward, wanting to comfort her, went to be at her side and gently took her hand, never taking his eyes off of Jasper. I heard Dr. Dover's pencil slow down and turned to see his startled expression.

"Ok, that was quite and exchange...Edward, since you were the center of it , do you mind if I ask a few questions about some of the things your sister just said?" Dr. Dover asked cautiously. He could tell if he pushed too hard, Edward would walk out, and may never return. He was right about that.

_Please Edward? Just give it a try...for me? _I thought to myself. I heard Edward take a deep breath.

"What do you want to know?" His voice wasquieter than I had expected. Opening up would be the hardest for Edward out of all the children.

"Is is true you tried to commit suicide?" Bella's head spring up at the question, tears in her eyes.

"Yes."

"How long ago was it?"

"Four months give or take a few days"

"Can you tell me what happened, what led up to it?" Dr Dover pressed...Bella's eyes were huge, and I saw her rubbing Edward's hand, watching him very closely. Edward looked at Rosalie and gave her a glare, God knows what she just put in her mind, and then I saw the corners of his mouth twitch ever so slightly.

_Edward..._ Was all I was able to think before he spoke.

"It was all a misunderstanding. I am fine and have no intention of dying, ever." He was making jokes now? This was going to get bad, Edward never makes jokes.

"Edward, I find it hard to believe that you are perfectly fine after feeling so much despair that you would actually consider taking your own life. What made you want to kill your self?" With a fresh page of paper dedicated to Edward's suicide he waited for an answer.

Edward paused and Rosalie and Alice shifted uncomfortably in their chairs. The doctor picked up on their discomfort and jotted something down. Rosalie could no longer stand Edward's cool stare and blurted out "It was all Bella's fault! She's the reason he tried to kill himself." Great...

Bella gasped, Edward smiled, which was not the reaction I was expecting from him, and Alice shrieked, burying her head in Jasper's shoulder. Emmett just shook his head in Edward's direction as a warning.

"I'm sorry, it was my fault. It was all my fault he tried to kill himself and I will never forget that. But I did go save him Rosalie remember? I was the one who brought him back in one piece. " Bella said through her sobs.

"Edward?" Dr. Dover looked closely at him, trying to read the expression on his face. Edward had the best poker face in the family, the doctor wasn't going to get any information that way unless Edward wanted to give it up.

"It was all a misunderstanding like I said. I did try to kill myself, but it was because I thought Bella had died and I wasn't going to live without her." He was being truthful, that was good. Again, the corners of his mouth twitched, he was probably reading the doctor's mind and preparing his next answer.

"So what was this misunderstanding you keep referring to?" The doctor asked.

"My sisters lied to me and told me Bella was dead, so I guess it's their fault I tried to kill myself." Edward said so matter of factly, I wanted to strangle him.

Bella's reaction was one of shock, Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie and Alice were on their feet shouting at Edward who sat calmly in his chair, smiling. He was actually smiling. The doctor's hands flew across the page as he tried to record the scene before him. He flipped furiously to a new page of notes, I think that made seven by now... Esme's hand came up to her mouth as she turned to me and said "Carlisle, what were we thinking? If I wasn't already dead, I would definitely die of embarrassment right now." She whispered with a small smile on her face.

"Thank god for doctor-patient confidentiality." I teased. I looked up to see Alice standing on her chair waving her finger wildly at Edward.

"Did you forget that it was your fault that Bella was on that cliff to begin with? You're the one who left her, left her heartbroken." Alice's words stung Edward and Bella both. They cringed together at the memory of that dark time when they were both so miserable.

Edward however, recovered quickly "Well, let's not forget the reason I left in the first place was because Jasper tried to kill her on her birthday remember that? I was trying to keep her safe!" Jasper became very solemn at the reminder of his slip. A wave of shame hit us all, causing each of them to take their seats and settle down. Bella reached across the table to take Jasper's hand.

"You know I forgave you for that right?" She was truly a special person, Edward was lucky to have her. Jasper gave her a small smile back and nodded her head. Relief now flooded the room as everyone let our a collective sigh and sat back in their chairs.

Dr. Dover sat in a daze as he shook his hand out, it must have started cramping from all his notes. We sat silently as he looked back through them, making sure he got all the pertinent information down.

"So, I just want to make sure I got all this information right. Four months ago, Edward tried to kill himself because he thought Bella died. This was a misinformation that both his sisters had told him, but they believed it to be true when they told him right?" Everyone mumbled a quick yes.

"Bella somehow saved him and they are happy now. And the reason Edward and Bella weren't happy back then was because Edward had left her, to keep her safe, after Jasper tried to kill her on her birthday. But Bella has forgiven him for that. Is that fairly accurate?" Dr. Dover scanned the room awaiting our reaction.

All eight headed nodded in confirmation. The doctor took a deep breath and grabbed the telephone. "Stephenie, cancel my next three appointments, this may take a while."

_**So did you laugh? If you did, you better hit REVIEW and say Hi! You know I respond to all of them :)**_

_**Thanks again to jashaw for helping with the editing and keeping it real :) **_


	3. Did he just say

_**I own nothing! Stephenie Meyer...not receptionist Stephenie in my story...owns all things Twilight!!**_

_Thank you all for reviewing! I'm glad you liked the first two chapters so much. A number of you asked for this so here it is...Dr. Dover's POV :) Enjoy!!_

**Did he just say...**

**Dr. Dover's POV**

As I sat in the cafeteria eating my lunch, I glanced down at the piece of paper in front of me, scanning my schedule of appointments for this afternoon. One name in particular stood out to me, the Cullen family.

Being new at the hospital, I didn't know Dr. Cullen very well, but during my first week, he had invited me to join him in the cafeteria on a few occasions, and he seemed very kind. During our lunches, he mentioned what was going on in his home and I was somewhat honored when he asked me to see his family in therapy. I understood he had adopted a number of teenage children which I found quite impressive considering how young he was. I assumed we were fairly close in age and I couldn't imagine my wife and I having 5 teenagers running through the house. It was hard enough for us to remember to feed our dog and goldfish regularly.

I hurried through lunch, wanting to have a few minutes to answer emails before I had my session with the Cullens. I hopped into the elevator and headed for my office when I saw Dr. Cullen and his wife, I assumed, sitting in the chairs down the hallway, looking quite nervous. I can imagine this was stressful for them, but I was confident I could help them work through their problems. I ducked in the back door to my office and saw my receptionist Stephenie engrossed in one of her books again.

"What are we reading today Stephenie? Another romance novel? Is Fabio on the cover of this one too?" I teased.

Without even looking up from her book, she turned the page and replied "No Fabio today, Dr. Dover...vampires this time." She said it with a smile and then buried her nose deeper into the book.

"OK, well after Dracula bites his latest victim, can you make sure you put Dr. Cullen and his family in the conference room. They will be here any minute and there will be eight of them all together."

"Dr. Cullen is coming here?" Stephenie shrieked. She immediately dropped her book to the ground and started applying a fresh layer of makeup to her face. As I walked away, I saw her brushing her hair feverishly and throwing a piece of gum in her mouth. I guess someone has a crush. I hoped she wouldn't throw herself at him in front of his whole family. That would not be a good way to start our session...

_Mrs. Cullen, I apologize that my receptionist just threw herself at your husband when he walked through the door. I hope your children aren't scarred for the rest of their lives...so tell me all your problems. _

I was still chuckling to myself on the computer, when I heard Stephenie showing them into the conference room. They were all very quiet. I could only hear Carlisle as they moved through the waiting room. I was finishing my last email when I heard laughter coming from the conference room. Walking out of my office, I glanced over at Stephenie who just shrugged at the laughter that was now growing.

"They were fine when I left..." she said innocently and quickly returned to her book. I heard a loud thud.

I grabbed the crisp, new file folder from the counter and a blank legal pad for my notes, and headed for the conference room where I could hear roaring laughter now. _What on Earth is so funny in there? _I thought to myself, as I cautiously opened the door.

Carlisle and his wife were sitting very formally in their chairs with a look of embarrassment on their faces as they looked at their children. One of the boys, who looked like a body builder, was leaning against the wall laughing and shaking so violently I thought my diplomas were about to crash to the ground. _Ask about steroids for that one_ I thought to myself.

Another one of the boys, who looked like he was the youngest, was lying on the ground hysterical. I assume he fell out of the empty chair next to him. _That explains the thud I heard._ The third boy was a lanky blond who was clutching his sides and pointing at the big guy on the wall. All the girls had their heads buried on the table and were slapping the table as they laughed.

The look on my face must have been something, because Dr. Cullen and his wife jumped up from their seats and rushed over to me.

"Dr. Dover, that you so much for seeing us. This is my wife Esme and these...these are our children...they are just a little nervous I think." Carlisle shook my hand and his wife did as well, giving me a warm smile. They both had the coldest hands I had ever felt. _I better get Stephenie to turn up the heat in here. I don't need the patients freezing to death._ I made a mental note.

"Children, please control yourselves so we can introduce you to Dr. Dover" Esme said so quietly, I was sure no one other than Carlisle and myself could hear her over all the laughter, but I was wrong. Instantly, they quieted and went back to their seats. One girl with long brown hair was trying to catch her breath, but the rest were silent except for the smallest Cullen who had her hand over her mouth trying to stifle her final giggles.

_Impressive._ I thought to myself. _They respect their mother, that's good. One less issue to deal with._

The boy who had been on the floor introduced himself first. "Hello, Dr. Dover. My name is Edward Cullen and this is my girlfriend Bella Swan." He extended his hand out to me, and again I was met with an extremely frigid hand.

_Strong grip, confident, didn't let his girlfriend introduce herself...control issues obviously._

I noticed Edward's eyes change from lighthearted to serious quickly. _Mood swings too..._ He sighed and leaned back in his chair as Bella shook my hand timidly. She hid her face behind her hair as some sort of protection as she blushed.

_Self confidence issues...probably brought on by the overbearing boyfriend._

Another scowl from Edward._ Anger issues too...possibly Bi-polar._

Next to introduce them self was the smallest Cullen, who was now bouncing in her seat with excitement. "My name is Mary Alice Brandon Cullen but you can call me Alice!" She was a very high energy person I could tell by all the bouncing.

_Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder possibly, with some impulse control issues as well. I wonder if she's ever been on medication for it._

"Jasper Hale." Was all the tall lanky blond said, barely making eye contact with me.

_Emotionally withdrawn, possible depression, a man of few words._

I glanced back at Edward who I swear just snorted, but when I looked at him, he was perfectly composed but his eyes weren't nearly as hostile as before. I shook my head and turned to the large boy sitting right next to me. He stood up and gave me a big hug.

"Hey Doc! Emmett Cullen, damn glad to meet you. So do they have family wings in the loony bin?" His laugher boomed through the room. The rest of the Cullen's sat opened mouth at his comment.

_Impulse control, and no personal space boundaries, I wonder what he's hiding behind the humor?_

The last to introduce themselves was the beautiful blond sitting next to Emmett. "Hi. Rosalie Hale." She mumbled without looking away from her reflection in the small mirror she had pulled out of her purse.

_Vanity, self absorbed, egocentric, your general center of the universe complex._

A cough escaped Edward, which sounded a lot like a laugh, but when I glanced his way, he was examining his hand which was intertwined with his girlfriends on the table top.

"Well it is very nice to meet all of you. Thank you for coming. I guess I should introduce myself, I am Dr. Benjamin Dover and I have been in private practice for 3 years. My wife and I moved here from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania two month ago and so far I am enjoying things here in Forks."

Carlisle was positioned at one end of the table so I took the seat at the other head of the table that way I could have a good view of the entire family as we spoke. I laid the folder on the table and made a few initial notes about who was who so I wouldn't forget. With my fresh legal pad poised and ready, I asked my first question.

"So Carlisle, can you tell me what made you decided to try family therapy?"

Carlisle and Esme both explained the uniqueness of their situation and how they hoped in having the children open up about what was bothering them, they could then resolve some issues and move forward as a family. I was truly impressed by the love in their voices as they spoke about their children.

I furiously jotted notes as they spoke. When they finished I wanted to get the adoptive situation figured out.

"So Rosalie and Jasper, you are twins?" They both nodded in agreement.

"And Emmett, Edward and Alice you are siblings​? "Edward answered for all of them.

My attention turned to the the girl with the long brown hair who was nervously clutching Edward's hand. "And Bella, you are Edward's girlfriend?" Her face immediately turned red at my question and I heard her quietly answer "Yes." I wrote the information out on the legal pad before continuing. I wondered to myself why Edward's girlfriend was included in the initial visit.

They had all remained so quiet, I wanted to put a question out there that might spark a conversation or perhaps argument just to see what would happen. "Soooo... Where should we begin?"

No one uttered a single word, but five fingers immediately pointed in the same direction, right at Edward. _Not surprising, really._ I thought to myself.

Edward turned to Bella who of course hadn't pointed at Edward "I told you this was a bad idea." His face was somewhere between furious and mortified.

Trying to take the focus off of Edward for a moment I asked "Why did you all point to Edward when I said that?" They all seemed to be watching Edward intently, as if waiting for him to explode.

"Because they hate me." Edward said without any emotion in his voice. _Great, he's shutting down. A defense mechanism for sure. Did he really feel like they hated him? Like he was the odd man out ?_

"Edward we don't hate you, you just have issues, major issues." The very hyper Alice chirped. _Well this could be interesting..._

"Alice what do you feel Edward's issues are?" _Edward feels persecuted by his family and his sister is ready to throw him under the bus first, so let's see where this goes._

"Well, I'm not a professional, but he has in the past had suicidal tendencies, he can be overbearing, he overreacts, he is a masochist and he constantly refers to himself as a monster, just to name a few..." She rattled without taking a breath.

_Suicidal? I can see that, he appears to be very tightly wound. I had already picked up on the overbearing and the overreacting, the self-loathing...a masochist...maybe this is why Bella is here after all..._

"Don't forget sexually repressed!" His brother Emmett happily chimed in. I scribbled furiously but stopped when I heard Edward throw himself up from the table and head for the door.

"Yes, dear brother, I may be repressed, but you, you and _your partner_ however, are sexual deviants!" He put great emphasis on the word partner. _Ask Emmett about his girlfriend and their sexual relationship_. I wrote in my notepad.

Bella ran to Edward's side and put her hand lovingly on his arm. "Emmett, why do you always have to do that to him? You know it upsets him, and yet you never miss an opportunity to get your digs in..." Bella spoke her mind. That was good to know. _She must feel really comfortable around the Cullen's to take on Emmett that way. _

The blond, Rosalie, stood up"Don't you dare talk to my... _brother_ that way, you, you...insignificant little _girl_." There was a great deal of anger behind Rosalie's words. It was peculiar the way she emphasized the words brother and girl...as if they had double meanings. _Rosalie and Emmett, close bond._ I wrote in my notepad.

"Apologize to her, Rose." Edward snarled. _Edward and Rosalie explosive relationship _I jotted down. I don't think I had ever filled pages so fast only five minutes after introductions.

The ultra quiet Jasper finally spoke more than his name."Come on guys, let's all relax." I still couldn't figure out how it happened , but any tension I had been feeling as this argument escalated, was gone.

_That was weird,_ I thought to myself. So I was completely distracted, when Bella suddenly threw herself at Edward and started kissing him passionately in the middle of the room. I could tell by Edward's expression he was taken off guard. The rest of the Cullen's simply watched wide eyed.

_Is she a sex addict? I will put her down for some definite impulse control problems until I learn more._

I continued scribbling my questions and suspicions down for a few minutes. Bella had snapped out of whatever had taken control of her and was visibly embarrassed. Edward had returned to the table, trying to comfort her but still glaring at the once again silent, Jasper. _Jasper Troublemaker_

"Ok, that was quite an exchange...Edward, since you were the center of it , do you mind if I ask a few questions about some of the things your sister just said?" I tried to tread very lightly, I sensed he was still ready to walk out at any second.

I heard Edward take a deep breath. "What do you want to know?" His voice was barely above a whisper. I decided to start with the most important issue Alice brought up.

"Is is true you tried to commit suicide?" Bella of course reacted by looking up, tears in her eyes.

"Yes." Again his voice was emotionless, like I just asked what two plus two equaled.

"How long ago was it?"

"Four months give or take a few days" _Only four months ago? No wonder they all pointed at him when I asked where to start._

"Can you tell me what happened, what led up to it?" I watched his reaction very carefully. His eyes went from Bella to Rosalie and he began glaring at her. _What part had Rosalie played in his suicide attempt? Did her 'center of the universe' complex put him into a depression. She must have some part in it by the was he's glaring at her...wait, did she just smile?_

"It was all a misunderstanding. I am fine and I have no intention of dying, ever." _Interesting reaction, hadn't heard it referred to as a misunderstanding in a while, mistake yes, misunderstanding not as much. And he's going to live forever? And like Peter Pan never grow up too, I'm sure. Major denial, thinking he's fine..._

"Edward, I find it hard to believe that you are perfectly fine after feeling so much despair that you would actually consider taking your own life. What made you want to kill yourself?" I flipped to a fresh page in my notepad for his response.

Edward paused and looked at his sisters. They both shifted in their seats. _Sisters played some role in_ _Edward's suicide. Enablers? Causes? Investigate further._ I scribbled on my pad.

Surprisingly, it was Rosalie who answered the question "It was all Bella's fault! She's the reason he tried to kill himself." _Guilty conscience for Rosalie, she's definitely involved somehow._

Edward's girlfriend started sobbing at the accusation. Alice hid her face on Jasper's arm. _Close relationship_ _Alice and Jasper._ Emmett sat up taller in his chair and shook his head at Edward as some kind of warning. He apparently was as protective of his sister as she was of him. I could see Carlisle and Esme tense up in their seats at Rosalie's words. _His suicide is still a very touchy subject ..._

"I'm sorry, it was my fault. It was all my fault he tried to kill himself and I will never forget that. But I did go save him Rosalie remember? I was the one who brought him back in one piece." _She went to save him? Where exactly did she go?_

"Edward?" I asked when I couldn't read him. I didn't know if he was angry he had been stopped, or if he blamed Bella for everything. _He still hasn't said why he tried to kill himself. What drove him to that length? _I wondered to myself.

"It was all a misunderstanding like I said. I did try to kill myself, but it was because I thought Bella had died and I wasn't going to live without her." _He thought Bella was dead? Was she also suicidal? Murder suicide perhaps... _I felt my hand start writing down every word he said.

"So what was this misunderstanding you keep referring to?" I prodded.

"My sisters lied to me and told me Bella was dead, so I guess it's their fault I tried to kill myself." _His sisters lied to him about Bella being dead? They must really hate him. _

The room exploded after Edward's accusation. His siblings were on their feet, shouting at him. Bella looked like she just saw a three headed monster and Esme and Carlisle had their heads pressed together deep in conversation. Edward however, sat back and grinned.

_This family does need help. Look at them... _I thought. My hand flew across the paper recording all their reactions. Page after page, I jotted notes on who was defending who and what they accusing one another of. Tiny Alice, leapt onto her chair and grabbed my attention. She was waving her finger at Edward and shouting.

"Did you forget that it was your fault that Bella was on that cliff to begin with? You're the one who left her, left her heartbroken." Bella was on a cliff? Is that where she saved Edward from? And why did he leave her, heartbroken. They looked fine to me right now, very much together.

I did see the pain and anguish that were on Bella and Edward's faces as they were reminded of being apart. They looked physically ill at the memory. _Co-Dependant!_ I thought victoriously in my head. _That's it, they're very co Dependant._

Edward however, recovered quickly "Well, let's not forget the reason I left in the first place was because Jasper tried to kill her on her birthday remember that? I was trying to keep her safe!" _Did he just say...JASPER TRIED TO KILL HER???_ I screamed in my mind. _Am I looking at the face of a __murderer? And why are they all so calm about it? How many murderers do they know that this is no big deal?_ I froze, with my pen touching the paper in front of me. If Edward saying the words wasn't strange enough, what happened next was utterly flabbergasting.

"You know I forgave you for that right?"Bella reached across the table and took Jasper's hand in hers. He looked into her eyes, nodded, and smiled. _She forgave him for trying to kill her? Forgave him? Is __she the most forgiving person on the planet or a complete moron? Now who's the masochist?_

My hand was starting to cramp from all the notes I had in front of me. I was sure I got some of it wrong, I was hoping I did because if not, this was easily the most dysfunctional family I had ever encountered in my limited years in practice. _I may need to look into the family wing like Emmett had asked..._I regained my composure before speaking.

"So, I just want to make sure I got all this information right. Four months ago, Edward tried to kill himself because he thought that Bella had died. This was a mistake that both of his sisters passed on to him because at the time they believed it to be true?" Everyone mumbled a quick yes. _OK, I can live with that part of it...we could work on those things._ Another deep breath.

"Bella somehow saved him and they are happy now. And the reason Edward and Bella weren't happy back then was because Edward had left her, to keep her safe, after Jasper tried to kill her on her birthday. But Bella has forgiven him for that. Is that fairly accurate?" I scanned the room, waiting for someone to correct me. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I almost threw up when I saw all eight heads nodding in confirmation.

I grabbed the telephone. "Stephenie, cancel my next three appointments, this may take a while."

_**A huge thanks to jashaw for her brilliant idea and help :) If you liked it...review please :) Thanks!!**_


	4. Girl Talk

_RedRoseInADarkAlley – this one's for you :) _

_Thanks to all who have reviewed this story so far...you guys are awesome and keep me laughing. Now, I hope YOU laugh!_

**_I own nothing...except the crazy songs on itunes I listen to as I type...Stephenie Meyer owns all these characters, I have simply driven them to therapy._**

**Girl Talk**

**BPOV**

We were all anxiously sitting in the waiting room, while Esme and Carlisle were in with the doctor. He felt he needed to have a private conversation with them, after the initial meeting ended in a screaming fiasco.

Edward and I were sitting next to each other in a pair of chairs by the receptionists desk. Emmett and Rosalie were huddled together by the door. Edward had to glare at them a few times when they started looking a little too lovey-dovey over there. Alice and Jasper were flipping through an old issue of Cosmo taking a compatibility test that they had come across.

As we sat there, trying to kill time, I noticed the receptionist who had been busy reading a book, glanced up at Edward and I on more than one occasion. I couldn't take it any longer.

"Do I even want to know what she is thinking?" I asked Edward, who started chuckling, which was never a good sign.

"She is just interested in us."

"She's interested in _us_, not just you?" I asked with my eyebrows raised.

"Oh, no, she is definitely interested in both of us." Again, he laughed.

"That is gross..." I mumbled. A receptionist into three-somes I could do without.

"Not like that Bella." He rolled his eyes and suppressed a laugh.

"Apparently, I remind her of the lead character in her book over there, Tim is his name. He's got dark hair and honey eyes, she's been fantasizing about him for ten minutes now... and she thinks we make a really cute couple... and that I look at you, the same way Tim looks at Shay, his one true love." He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I would have to check out what book she was reading on our way out to see if this Tim really was like Edward. If he is, that Shay is one lucky girl!! Now I didn't want to kill Stephenie nearly as much, but the staring was still a bit annoying.

"What could be taking so long in there?" Emmett asked, getting impatient with all the waiting. He far preferred the shouting from our previous session rather than sitting around listening to elevator music for twenty minutes straight.

"Well, let's see, Edward is suicidal, Jasper is an attempted murderer, and we are sexual deviants...I can't imagine what the doctor wants to talk to Carlisle and Esme about..." Rosalie snapped under her breath, while she glanced in the receptionist's direction, to make sure she wasn't listening.

"What are they thinking in there?" Alice asked Edward, nervously.

Edward shrugged. "I have no idea, I am blocking everything out from in there. Carlisle insisted. Something about, 'in order for therapy to work, people had to be able to speak freely' and I needed to respect that..."

"He threatened the Volvo didn't he?" Jasper asked slyly.

"Of course. That, and an extended shopping trip with Alice if I didn't listen." Edward smiled.

The door to Dr. Dover's office opened, and we all tensed in our seats. Carlisle and Esme's faces were unreadable, the doctor however, looked a little stunned. Esme came over and sat in the chair next to me and smiled nervously.

"Girls, Dr. Dover would like the three of you to come in for a short session and discuss some issues." Edward's arm wrapped protectively around me and I refused to look up from my shoes.

Sensing Edward's reluctance, Carlisle continued "Boys, you will be next, however Edward, I would like you to come down to the cafeteria with Esme and me and get a bite to eat until they're done. Jasper you can stay, as long as you behave yourself or if you decide it would be better for you to join us, please do so." Great, he was making Edward leave so he couldn't listen in, this was going to be bad. And Jasper...I assumed he would be running to the cafeteria in a matter of seconds.

"Well, I'm staying right here. I want to hear if they break anything while they fight in there." Emmett smirked as he pointed to the doctor's office. Esme gave him a horrified look and he apologized "Sorry mom, that was rude."

"Ladies will you join me in my office?" Dr. Dover held out his arm to the office door that Carlisle and Esme just stepped out of.

I turned to Edward, who had a grim look on his face. "Edward?"

"Yes Bella?" he asked anxiously, probably hoping I was going to bail out of the whole thing.

"Always remember I love you. And, if I don't make it out alive, please tell Charlie I love him." I leaned in so he couldn't see my face, which had a huge smile on it and kissed his cheek. I felt him freeze, and I knew he was debating grabbing me and running out of the office.

"I'm just kidding Edward. Smile please..." I whispered.

"Bella, you can leave at any time. Don't forget that..." He glared at Alice and Rose as they stood up to enter the office.

"Relax Edward, we won't draw blood from your precious Bella." Rosalie said sarcastically.

Not to be outdone by Rosalie I threw in, "And if _I_ need to, I know how to tear your sisters limb from limb." I spat back at Rosalie to show Edward that I really wasn't afraid of them. He gave me a proud smile when Rosalie sulked off into the office.

"OHHH I call the couch!" I heard Alice squeal with delight and then there was a thud as she hurled herself on to it.

"Go eat Edward." I said sarcastically as I walked into the doctors office. Carlisle put his hand on Edward's shoulder and led him out of the waiting room.

Dr. Dover's office was smaller and much more cozy than the conference room. The walls were painted a sandy color with beautiful maroon drapes. There was a dark brown, leather couch that Alice was sprawled across and then two arm chairs that Rosalie and I sat down in. Dr. Dover took his place behind the large mahogany desk and started shuffling some papers in his expanding file on the Cullen family.

I was watching Alice look around the room, no doubt making a mental shopping list in her head of what his office needed when he finally spoke.

"So ladies, I want to thank you for all coming here to work on your problems. That is a really big and scary step I'm sure, but I think we can work on a few things and really improve the situation at home for your whole family." Rosalie rolled her eyes, but the doctor didn't let that stop him, he continued on. "In speaking with Carlisle, he and Esme were able to give me some insight into your relationships. Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?"

"Fire away Doc!" Alice grinned from the couch.

Rosalie gave him a 'I dare you to ask me a question' look and I just quietly said "Ok." What else could I do? The sooner we got this worked out, the better for everyone involved.

"Well, Alice, since you are so excited, why don't I start with you? Why don't you tell me a little about yourself." Dr. Dover picked up his pen, ready to take notes.

Alice let out a dramatic sigh and began her speech "My name is Alice Cullen and I was adopted by the Cullens around five years ago." She casually winked over at Rose and I. _Five years, plus a few decades_ _is more accurate, but whatever..._ I thought to myself.

"They had already adopted the rest of them, so I am the baby of the family in that respect. My interests include shopping and the beauty arts."

"The beauty arts?" Dr. Dover asked uncertainly.

"Yes, you know ... makeovers and such. Fashion is my passion, just ask Bella. She would dress like a bag woman if it wasn't for me, isn't that right Bella?" Rosalie snorted at Alice's comment, I was furious.

"I can dress myself thank you Alice!" I snapped.

"Really Bella, if it wasn't for Alice, you'd be dressing at least three years behind the trends." Rosalie pointed out.

"I have a gift and I am trying to share my knowledge with Bella, but she is a fairly stubborn student..." Alice offered.

"How is she stubborn Alice?" Dr. Dover asked.

"Well, sometimes she refuses to wear the perfectly beautiful clothes I pick out for her." Alice said pouting, she was pulling out all the stops to win over the doctor.

"She steals my clothes." I said plainly.

"Alice, have you ever stole Bella's clothes from her room?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, but I always replace them with new clothes that I purchased, and lovingly picked out for her!" Alice exclaimed defensively.

"How often do you steal Bella's clothes?"

"Um- well, I never thought about it before...daily I guess."

"Every day, you steal some of her clothes? What do you do with the clothes you take from Bella?"

_Good question, I'd like to know that too._ I thought to myself.

Alice was caught off guard by the question. "I give them to a group of homeless people that live down by the river." Alice mumbled quietly.

"You give my clothes to the River People? Are you nuts? So you're telling me, that the sweater my dear grandma gave me for my birthday last year that 'made my hips look huge' is being worn by a hobo named Buzzy?" I screamed.

"No Bella, don't be absurd. Buzzy doesn't wear your clothes, he burns them in the fire for heat. Your wardrobe is heating the homeless." I still don't know how she said it with a straight face. Rosalie burst into hysterical laughter. Apparently, Rosalie didn't know about Alice's relationship with the homeless community but she was enjoying herself thoroughly.

Now I was furious. "Alice is addicted to shopping! It is a compulsion! She shops everyday for things she doesn't need and has piles of clothes with the tags still on them that she has never worn. They know her by name at Bloomingdale's for goodness sake!"

I turned to the door even though I knew he wasn't there...but he would hear me. "Edward Cullen I'm going to kill your sister now!" I screamed.

"Go get her Bella!" I heard Emmett scream from the waiting room.

Dr. Dover looked up from his paper where he had scribbled what looked like thousands of notes in the last two minutes. His face was white, and for a minute I think, he thought I was serious.

"Bella, please sit down." Dr. Dover said quietly. I took a deep breath and refused to look at Alice who was dangling her head off the side of the couch, trying to make me laugh. I heard her 'humph' when I refused to smile.

"So Alice, would you say you have a shopping addiction?" The doctor asked.

"Addiction is such a strong word doc...I'd say extreme love of shopping or I guess you could consider it my job...yep, shopping is my job!" Somehow she had justified it in her head.

"How often do you shop?" He asked.

"Um, every day I guess."

"And what happens if you don't shop every day?"

"Nothing." Alice replied.

"Nothing? Are you insane? Do you remember last time you didn't shop? I do! It was a sunny day...but ...um, well the cars were all broken...and you ran to the computer to do some on line shopping but the Internet went out because the boys were helping Esme with her garden and they had cut the cable. Do you remember what happened next?" Rosalie fumed at her.

"Yes."

"What happened Alice?" Dr. Dover asked extremely curious.

"I tackled Esme." I gasped in horror, while Rosalie had a pleased look on her face.

"Why did you tackle your mother Alice?"

"Because she had the remote control to the TV and I was so desperate... I needed to shop so bad...I was ... I was going to... " Her body was heaped over on the couch, shaking from her tear less cries.

"I was going to purchase something from... oh God help me... QVC/The Home Shopping Network!!!" she wailed. "It was a BBQ & Rotisserie oven that came with a free flavor injector. It was only $149.99 for a one time value price...The shame of it all..."

"Why are you ashamed Alice..." The doctor asked

"Because I almost bought it when my family has absolutely no use for it . We can't even use a rotisserie on what we eat...it would be just so messy...we don't even eat."

"Meat. The Cullen's don't eat meat Dr. Dover...they're strict vegetarians!" I shouted before Alice spilled the beans any further.

Dr. Dover scribbled note on his pad, the written on pages were really starting to pileup.

"Doctor Dover, my name is Alice Cullen and I am a shopping addict." She hung her head in shame.

"Alice, I feel like you have made a bit of a breakthrough today. I am proud of your honesty. We can address your shopping addiction more in a later session. So Rosalie, can I ask you a few questions?" He asked hesitantly, probably remembering the look she had given him earlier.

"Fine. What do you want to know?" She was trying to keep her cool, but I could tell she wasn't happy to be in the hot seat now.

"Your father mentioned that you and Bella have a very strained relationship. Is that fair to say?"

Rosalie became very quiet and dropped her head as she said "Yes."

"Can you tell me why that is?" The doctor had asked the one question I have been trying to get an answer to for over a year. I leaned forward in my chair with anticipation.

"There are a lot of reasons." Rosalie said with more force.

"A lot of reasons?" I must have said it out loud, because Rosalie's head turned to face me. "Sorry." I mumbled and looked back down at my hands clenched in my lap.

"Can you give us one of the reasons?" The doctor pushed

"Well, I think she is making a bad choice."

"And what is the bad choice she is making?"

"She wants to be one of us."

"She wants to be one of you...a Cullen?" The doctor asked with some confusion.

"Yes, a Cullen...being a Cullen isn't easy and I think she would have a happier life if she wasn't one." Rose crossed her arms and sat back in her chair.

"So you would be happy if Bella didn't marry Edward."

"Oh, no she can marry Edward that is fine, Edward loves her very much. She'd be stupid to not marry him." The doctor dropped his pen in shock.

"Ok, I'm lost...she can marry Edward, making her Bella Cullen, she just can't _be_ a Cullen? Is that what you're saying?" His voice was growing exasperated. I of course knew exactly what she was saying, but poor Dr. Dover's head was about to explode.

"If she married Edward, she would be a Cullen in name only...she wouldn't truly be one of us..." Rosalie was growing impatient with the doctor for missing the distinction.

"Listen Doc, this life...the life we have, isn't the one I would have chosen for myself if I was given the choice...I would have taken a different path, but I never had an option and I just want Bella to think about all she would be giving up to be one of us!"

The doctor sat quietly for a minute, rubbing his temples and processing what he just heard. Suddenly, a light bulb must have gone off in his head.

"OOHH I think I finally get it. This is all about being a vegetarian right? You want Bella to think about what she would be giving up to become a vegetarian?" The doctor looked relieved he finally put the pieces of Rosalie's cryptic explanation together.

_Impressive. _I thought to myself_. I've never seen someone be so wrong and so right at the same time!_

Rosalie and Alice started laughing, they must have found it as funny as I did and soon we all erupted into the giggles. The doctor was completely taken aback by our sudden mood shift. "Yes, doctor it has everything to do with our diet."

"Well that seems like it isn't a huge hurdle to overcome. Is there anything else about Bella that upsets you?" I'm sure he was racking his brain trying to figure why becoming a vegetarian would be so horrible for Rosalie.

"Well, now that you mention it, there is something else that bothers me about Bella..."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes waiting for her next swipe.

"She refuses to marry my brother! He loves her and has asked her numerous times to marry him, and she keeps saying no! It tears his heart out every time she rejects him." I saw an evil gleam in her eye as she looked my way.

_Two can play this game Rose.._.I thought.

Dr. Dover opened his mouth to speak, but I held up my hand and stopped him. "What is this on my finger Rose? Huh? It is an engagement ring, his mother's ring. I accepted his proposal, and we are getting married. Your reason makes no sense!" I was on my feet shaking the ring in her face.

"How many times did he have to ask you Bella? How many times? If you loved him half as much as you claim to, you would have jumped at the chance to marry him and nothing and _no one_ would have gotten in your way." Rose was livid as she spoke. "You're just marrying him for the sex!" She blurted out in anger.

"What?!" Alice, Dr. Dover and I all yelled at once. I heard Emmett whooping out in the waiting room.

"You are marrying him so he will finally have sex with you." She spoke clearly, so we could take in every word. Dr. Dover looked at me and back to Rose who was glaring victoriously at me.

_She's trying to embarrass me to death. Not smart Rosalie...not smart._

"Bella, are you marrying Edward for the sex? Please be honest." The doctor asked. He held his breath as he waited for my answer.

"NO!" I hissed.

"Have you and Edward had sex yet?"

"No"

"Do you want to?"

"Yes"

"Does he?"

"Yes...but he's old fashioned."

"So he wants to wait until you are married?"

"Yes,"

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Frustrated." I mumbled.

"Edward's frustrated too! It's just like I said doc!" I heard Emmett's voice very close to the door now. "Ouch! Mom! Stop it...I'm sorry." Esme to the rescue.

"So is there any chance Rosalie is correct?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because she isn't thinking clearly."

"And why isn't she thinking clearly?"

"Because...it's a secret. I can't tell you." Now it was my turn to exact my revenge for the sex comment. Rose looked confused, Alice however was biting her lip, trying not to laugh.

"Bella, you can tell me anything. It will be kept private. If it helps fix your relationship with Rose, isn't it worth it?'

"I don't think it will fix anything but I have been keeping her secret long enough. In hopes that you can help her doctor...Rosalie...she...has an eating disorder!" I blurted out.

Alice lost it and fell off the couch laughing. Rosalie stood up and knocked her chair over in anger. "What did you say?"

"I love you Rosalie, but I said you have an eating disorder. In over a year, I have never seen you eat anything EVER! Tell him I'm lying... all the shopping trips, nothing. I have never seen one piece of food enter her mouth and I'm afraid that is what makes her so hostile and angry all the time... she's just hungry!"

Now I could hear Edward roaring with laughter in the waiting room... they were all out there for the grand finale.

"Rosalie, is Bella telling the truth?" He asked with raised eyebrows "Has she ever seen you eat?"

"No."

"Tell me the truth, please Rose. Are you hungry right now?"

"You have no idea." she hissed in my direction. Her eyes were black as coal.

"Stephenie, come here for a minute." Dr. Dover said into the phone. A second later, Stephenie arrived in the doorway. "Yes doctor?"

"Bring me an apple please."

Alice was hysterical at this point, she looked like she was having a breakdown and the doctor looked like he was considering committing her right then and there. Before he could ask what Alice was laughing at, in this otherwise serious moment when I just outed her sister's eating disorder, Stephenie appeared with a juicy, red apple in her hands.

"Here you go doctor." and she turned on her heels and left.

"Here Rosalie, you said you were hungry. Would you like a bite?" He held the succulent red apple out to Rosalie who looked at it like it was a red ball of death.

She turned and shot lasers out of her eyes at me as she reached for the apple. She picked it up, never breaking eye contact with me and took a big bite of the apple. The crunch of her teeth sinking into the skin, echoed off the walls. A small bit of juice dripped down the corner of her mouth. She wiped the sleeve of her blouse across her face, chewed for a few second and then swallowed. She walked right up to my face and stood inches away.

A devilish smile grew on her face as she slowly opened her mouth and lifted her tongue to show me she had in fact swallowed the entire bite.

"Happy Bella? If you wanted to see me eat so badly, I would have let you. Maybe next time I eat, you can come with me and watch as I take a nice, big, bite of food...if I'm really hungry you better watch out though, or I just might eat you!" And with that she broke into the most horrible fake laugh I had ever heard. "Wouldn't it be funny if I was so hungry, I bit you by mistake?" She cackled.

_I'm dead, she's going to kill me now...what the hell was I thinking? Note to self : It's a bad idea to take on Rosalie._

Rosalie was now so mad, she was actually crushing the apple in her hands, juice was freely flowing down her arms. She started to open her mouth to say something when a chime rang near Dr. Dover's desk. "Time's up ladies." He stood up and walked around the front of his desk to meet us.

_That's it? Time's up so we leave hating each other? Wow! I thought that only happened in the movies..._

"I have a little something I like to end all my group sessions with, to help begin to heal any wounds that opening up about our feelings may have created. Let's end this with a group hug!"

He may as well have asked us to dance naked in the moonlight with him because it wouldn't have shocked us more! I gasped, Alice screamed, and Rosalie threw the remains of the apple at the door.

"Come on ladies, you love each other, deep down... well maybe deep, deep, deep down, but it's there...I saw it for a second or two. Hug it out ladies you will feel better." He sat there waiting for us to come together until I felt a cold hand smack my back and send me flying into Dr. Dover's arms.

He looked very uncomfortable, "I really wasn't supposed to be part of the group hug it's kind of against the law but...see, Bella is ready to hug...come on, who's next..." Another slap, and Alice crashed into the little hug. He started slowly trying to back out of the group hug afraid of losing his license I'm sure.

"Come on Rosalie, join the group, hug and then we can leave." Dr. Dover was a patient man. Rose stood stubbornly for a full minute before she slowly walked over and put her arms around us. I felt her hand on the back of my head as we hugged.

"Sorry Bella, sorry Alice, I love you guys" Rosalie said in a lovely, musical voice. It actually sounded happy, which scared me half to death. I looked at Alice and she was shocked as well.

"Oh come on, you two are so silly!" She squealed as she jokingly ran her hands roughly through our hair a few times. "Of course I love you. No hard feelings?"

Then I smelled it, apple. She rubbed all the apple juice from her hands in our hair. Alice realized it the same time I did.

"Bite. Me. Rose!" I said as I stormed out of the room.

I threw open the door and saw a very anxious Edward pacing the room. "Bella!" He shouted "Are you alright? How was it? Why did you throw yourself at the doctor? And what on Earth happened to your hair?"

I glared at him. "That would have been the highest rated episode of the Jerry Springer Show ever! As for my hair, ask your sister!"

"Gentlemen, are you ready for your session?"

_**So if you laughed, at my inside joke...a few have caught onto it...or at Buzzy, the River people, or the Home Shopping Network...review please. The next chapter will come soon :)**_


	5. Boy Talk

**Stephenie Meyer is the one true owner of all things Twilight...I just made them crazy :0**

_Thanks for all the reviews guys! You have een awesome. Here are the boys in their session, hope you laugh._

_FYI for fun, I put a poll up on my profile page. It's toward the top. Go make a vote. It will be up throught the weekend and I'll post the results on my profile when it's done. I'm interested to see who wins, I paired people in a certain way..._

There are a lot of thoughts flying in this chapter with it in edward's POV, which is why I ususally don't write it in his POV, but I had to for this chapter.

**Boy Talk**

**Edward's POV**

"Gentlemen, are you ready for your session?" I heard Dr. Dover say the words and my stomach knotted. I shot a glance over to Bella, who was sitting in one of the waiting room chairs holding her head in her hands.

_She's fine Edward, just a little stressed._ Alice thought.

_Don't think you're getting out of doing one of these ridiculous sessions, you're the one most in need of therapy in this family Edward!_ Rosalie screamed in her mind.

I walked over to Bella and bent down over her limp form, "Bella? Are you alright? I can stay with you if you want..." I was praying she would beg me to stay so I didn't have to endure some horrible torture at the hands of Emmett and Jasper who looked way to happy to be called into Dr. Dover's office.

"I'm fine Edward. It was just...intense in there. Watch your back...that's all I can say." She looked up at my now frightened eyes and shrugged. "I do have one more question, did Alice really tackle Esme so she could buy something off the Home Shopping Network?" I laughed out loud as the image of Alice flying across the couch came back to me.

"Oh that most definitely happened. How did you hear about that? That is one of Alice's most embarrassing secrets..." I felt a sudden terror fill my body as I glanced at the office door.

"I told you, watch your back in there Edward..." Bella mumbled and put her head back into her hands. "You don't even want to know about Buzzy..."

_Who the heck is Buzzy?_ I thought to myself. Before I could ask, Carlisle shoved me toward Dr. Dover's office door.

"Quit stalling Edward, she's fine. I'll keep an eye on her." he nodded his head in the direction of the office and I grudgingly headed towards the door.

"Bella?" I called. Her head shot up "If I don't make it out, you can have my CD collection and please smash Emmett's Jeep with a sledgehammer for me." I gave her a wink which made a beautiful smile come across her face as she gave me a thumbs up.

"Come on Eddie, the doc's got heads to shrink!" Emmett boomed, as I entered the room. Emmett and Jasper had taken the two seats leaving me the couch to sit on.

_We figured you would be the one spilling your guts so we saved you the couch_. Jasper smirked.

_You're supposed to lay down Edward...come on, you look silly sitting there like a scared little girl._ Emmett teased. _Get comfy mental patient..._

As I sat perched on the edge of the couch, Dr. Dover was shuffling through the paper's on his desk.

_Well, this session can't possibly be as bad as the one with the girls...I've never witnessed anything like __that...they must have been hormonal or something._

I bit my lip to keep from laughing out loud. My happiness subsided when the doctor looked up and finally spoke.

"Well, gentlemen, like I told the ladies a few minutes ago, I want to thank you for coming to therapy. I know this can be very scary and uncomfortable, but I think I can help you and your family settle some issues and move forward to a healthier relationship. Shall we begin?" He asked eagerly.

Jasper and I shrugged our answer while Emmett gleefully said "Bring it on doc. Do your worst."

Dr. Dover was taken off guard by Emmett's outburst and he quickly scanned his paper before he spoke. "Well, we already touched on Edward a bit before, um...how about we start with you Jasper? Can you tell me a bit about yourself?"

"My name is Jasper Hale, and I was adopted by the Cullen's a little more than 5 years ago." Jasper answered in a rush, never making eye contact with the doctor..

_And..._ Dr. Dover thought to himself.

"Anything else you'd like to tell me about yourself Jasper?" The doctor tried to press.

_Leave me alone, Leave me alone._ Jasper was chanting in his head to the doctor. He finally answered out loud "No. that's it."

Frustrated, the doctor turned to me and asked "Is he always this quiet?"

_Careful Edward..._Jasper warned.

"Yes he's usually pretty quiet." I said glancing up at the doctor's bookcase casually, and a brilliant idea came to me. "Unless he's discussing the Civil War, then he becomes a complete chatterbox!" I laughed.

_You will regret that dear brother._

_Yankees beware, the confederate vampire has risen! _Emmett laughed to himself.

"Jasper that is so amazing! I am quite the history buff myself, the Civil War is a special area of interest of mine. Sherman's march to the sea, the emancipation proclamation, Abraham Lincoln's presidency, the restored union." Dr. Dover was waving his hands wildly at the bookcase behind him where he had over 100 books that told the tales of the great Union army and the fall of the Confederacy. Jasper silently seethed in his chair, but Dr. Dover was so distracted by the subject he didn't even notice.

"Greatest military figure of the Civil War, Jasper?"

"General Lee"

"Best battle?"

"Bull Run."

"Lincoln or Davis?"

"Do you really need to ask _Yankee_?" Jasper spat as he rose to his feet. Right on cue, Emmett starts humming 'Dixie' causing Jasper to jump to attention like a good little Confederate soldier and salute. Jasper's patriotism seeped off him in waves and hit poor Dr. Dover right between the eyes.

_A confederate 'butternut' in my office? I will have none of that..._Dr. Dover thought.

Not to be outdone, Dr. Dover sprang to his feet and began humming 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic' with his hand over his heart.

_Yankee scum! _Jasper glared in his head.

Jasper reached into his pocket and pulled out a bandanna with the confederate flag on it that he carried with him at all times, and wrapped it proudly around his head. He then jumped on top of his chair and began singing 'Yellow Rose of Texas', which was one of the confederate soldier's favorite marching song at the top of his lungs.

_Edward Cullen, what have you unleashed in there?_ Alice asked from the waiting room. _You know how bad this gets, he'll be marching around the yard for a week! He's wearing that damn bandanna isn't he? His hair will be all smashed down now. Shame on you Edward._

Hilarious as is was for Emmett and I, it was time to end this episode of Civil War Idol. "Jasper, the South loses, you need to let it go..." I said as I tugged on his pant leg to get his attention. He looked down at me, slid the bandanna from his head, and returned silently to his seat.

With Jasper's deep feelings of patriotism under control once a gain, Dr. Dover looked mortified as he stood in front of his desk humming with all his Yankee pride. _What the hell just happened? I better sit down before they report me to the Medical Board! _

"Well, I guess we will just have to agree to disagree huh Jasper?" The doctor offered with an uncomfortable smile. Jasper simply nodded in his direction. _I better stay away from the whole attempted murder thing right now, he still looks a little mad._

"So let me ask you a few questions..." Dr. Dover started. "You seem to be very reserved with your emotions. I think you hold your emotions in...would you say that is accurate?" I felt a small smile creeping across my face. Emmett gave me a poke in the ribs which didn't help.

"Yes, that is a fair evaluation. I have great control of my emotions doctor." Jasper replied.

Dr. Dover's thoughts entered my mind _Great control unless you are trying to kill your brother's girlfriend right? Maybe that's what it was, a reaction to all his suppressed feelings...I will make a note to bring the whole kill your future sister in law thing next session._

"But you know holding in your emotions all the time isn't a healthy thing Jasper. You really should let them out more. It might help your family relate to you if they know how you are feeling." The doctor pressed.

"Oh, don't worry doc. He lets his emotions out plenty and when he does, we all definitely know how he feels!" Emmett laughed. _Especially when he's having alone time with Alice huh Edward?_

I couldn't stop the laugh before it came from my body. The doctor's head spun to my face.

"Why are you laughing Edward? Is this funny? Shouldn't we want to encourage Jasper to share his emotions more?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No, it's not funny, just.." I never got to finish because Jasper decided to get me back for the whole civil war thing by sending a wave of amusement my direction, causing me to act like a giggling school girl. _What's so funny Edward?_ Jasper asked in my head as he looked at me like I was insane for Dr. Dover's benefit. Emmett got hit by some of the amusement and started laughing with me.

_What in the world are they doing? Are they having a mental breakdown right here in my office? Do I have any sedatives in here..._ Dr. Dover's thoughts made me laugh even more.

I looked over at Emmett for help, and said at vampire speed, "Emmett do something, the doctor thinks we're nuts and if we get committed, they will not allow you conjugal visits in the mental ward."

"Jasper is a cross dresser!" He screamed as loud as he could.

I heard Alice scream "What?" from the waiting room. _Edward, what are you two doing in there? First the war and now this? We didn't to anything that bad to Bella...well Rosalie did, but I didn't unless you count Buzzy... oh never mind._

_Jasper the cross dresser! Ha - he does let Alice give him makeovers and he did wear that dress when he lost a bet. Good one Emmett. _Rosalie thought

_Edward, you are in so much trouble...I know you're listening...don't you dare block m... _Esme was going to kill me for blocking her, but I needed to see how this played out. For once, I wasn't the focus of all the note taking, and I was going to enjoy that.

"Don't get me wrong doc, I love my brother, even if he has chosen a lifestyle that's different from mine. I don't judge him, I just want him to get at the root of why he feels the need to dress in women's clothing, especially when he makes such an _ugly _woman." I was truly impressed by the control Emmett had as he delivered the lie with such sincere conviction, that for a second, I believed him, until his thoughts popped into my head.

_He really would make an ugly woman don't you think? He's so tall, almost freakishly so, and lanky. Who'd want a freakishly tall, lanky girlfriend with man hands? And not to mention the fact that he has a..._

Jasper's thoughts interrupted. _You will both die an incredibly painful death, I will see to it. Just you wait until the next time you and Bella are alone Eddie...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. You will feel me with you at all times dear brother... _Jasper was scaring me now.

"Doctor, I assure you that I am not a cross dresser." Jasper growled.

"Have you ever worn women's clothing?"

"Yes"

"How about makeup?"

"Yes"

"A wig?"

"Yes"

"Women's underwear?" I stopped breathing and waited for this answer, Emmett was on the edge of his seat staring at Jasper.

"Yes." He answered as quietly as possible. That was news to me!

"Thong or Grannie panties? Solid or prints? I'm guessing black, lacy thong. Edward what do you think?" Emmett squealed in amusement. Jasper was on his feet heading toward Emmett.

"Emmett," Dr. Dover scolded "I will be the one to ask the questions. Please, no comments, your brother is trying to open up about something right now, let's show him some respect."

When Jasper sat back down, the doctor continued with his questions "How did it make you feel when you were dressed like a woman. Did you feel pretty?"

_Did I mention how much I hate you two right now? Prepare for the full wrath of the confederacy!_

"I felt uncomfortable. I did it because Al... my girlfriend wanted me too. She likes to give makeovers you see..." Jasper managed to stop his slip before the doctor caught on.

_Makeovers? Just like his sister...I wonder how much his girlfriend reminds him of his sister...they did seem unusually close. _Oh great, he is starting to put the pieces together. I had to do something...

It was my turn th throw someone under the bus, sorry Emmett. "Emmett is a sex addict! He has sex all the time just ask him." The doctor's head snapped from Jasper to me and finally came to rest on Emmett.

Of course, Emmett instead of being embarrassed, sat up proudly in his chair waiting for all the sex questions to begin. _Ha, Edward you thought I'd be embarrassed, but just wait until you hear all the things Rose and I have done...then we'll see who's laughing. Maybe you should borrow the doctor's pen and paper to take some notes. I can draw you some diagrams when we get home for the more complicated stuff. Got it little brother?_

Dr. Dover's thoughts took the place of Emmett's._ Boy does this family have issues! A shopping addict, a sex addict, an eating disorder, a cross dressing attempted murderer and one with a fear of commitment who is willing to marry for sex... and I still have one person to go. They seemed so normal._

I started feeling queasy as the doctor asked his first question. "Emmett, do you think you are a sex addict?"

"No doc, I'm not an addict I just have a very healthy and active sex life which makes my virginal little brother here a bit uncomfortable." Emmett beamed.

"Define 'active' for me Emmett."

"Active meaning I have sex daily." _Eat your heart out Edward._

"And do you have sex more than once a day?"

"It depends on the day doc."

"Explain that answer please."

"Well, some days we have sex more than once, some days we have sex once, it just lasts a really, really long time." _16 hours is our personal record Edward. How 'bout them apples?\_

Even though I couldn't vomit. I wanted to. Jasper was getting ill too, so I suddenly felt some bravado fly past, hitting Emmett square in the chest, now he was going to tell the doctor everything.

"Describe your girlfriend to me Emmett." the doctor asked.

"Well she is smoking hot! Long legs, tight butt and long sexy blond hair. She doesn't take crap from anyone and no one would dare mess with her. She's a firecracker my girl R...Ruby is." _Ruby, crap, Rose will hate that name_.

"Who the hell is RUBY?" Rosalie screamed from the waiting room.

_Odd...He just described his sister to a 'T_'. Dr. Dover thought. "She sounds a lot like your sister Emmett."

"Um, well, I guess just from the description you might think that, but no, Ruby is way hotter than Rose." I heard the sound of glass shattering in the waiting room. _Crap,crap,crap,crap,crap I'm a dead man._

Dr. Dover wasn't sold. _Emmett - possible unhealthy relationship with his sister Rosalie. Investigate further. _He thought and then wrote on his notepad. I glanced at Jasper to let him know something was up.

Sensing my concern, he quickly threw something out to distract the doctor. "Emmett likes having sex in public!"

The doctor stopped his writing and stared at Emmett. "Have you been caught having sex in strange places?"

"Of course, we tend to be a bit exuberant in our love making!" Emmett offered.

Jasper interrupted his bragging. "They have had sex on every flat surface of our home, including Edward's piano and the kitchen counter, oh and of course in every vehicle we own, in the pool, the movie theater, the mall restrooms, in some poor child's tree house, the list goes on and on. I highly doubt there is a broom closet in Forks high school that has not been tainted by their lust and if the faculty only knew what they did in the teacher's lounge they'd have the place fumigated!"

Emmett nodded his head in agreement and grinned wildly, as Jasper rattled off his exotic list.

"Jasper, if I may ask...how do you know so much about Emmett's sex life? Does he tell you?"

"He doesn't have to...they don't even try to hide it. Every member of our family has caught them at one time or another. For example, I have walked in on them more times than I care to remember, imagine my surprise when Alice and I got in the car to go to the mall only to find them going at it in the back seat like jackrabbits."

I got a horrible visual from Jasper of the scene and shuddered. The doctor saw my reaction and turned to me. "Edward have you ever walked in on on them...in the moment?"

"Yes, more than once, but the worst time I did...it involved...ugh...costumes" Again I shuddered at the memory.

"Costumes?" the doctor asked as he leaned forward on his desk.

"Oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with a good costume huh doc? I remember that time! We were playing naughty school girl!" I shook my head no. "Not naughty school girl, French maid? Alice and wonderland...sorry Jasper...no? Cleopatra and Marc Anthony,., no? Ok, I'll just start listing them and you stop me when I get to the right one..."

"NO!" I had to interrupt him, he was giving me a visual of Rosalie in each outfit as he listed them. "It was ...I can't believe I have to say this...you had a cape...her boots...ugh... Batman and Cat woman as I recall." I couldn't imagine how much worse this could possibly get.

"OOOO now I remember." _Want me to let Bella borrow it? She'd look hot in those boots Edward._

"So it sounds like you have a thing for sex in public places. Is that fair to say Emmett?" Dr. Dover continued on.

"Sure I guess you could say that. It's more fun that way." He said grinning. "But come on doc, you look like a reasonable man unlike some others in this room..." he of course glared in my direction. "You know what it's like when you're around a beautiful woman. The way she looks, feels, smells, tastes...you just can't get enough of her." I felt Jasper turn up the lust as Emmett continued " And all you can think about is getting her alone, anywhere, and putting your hands on her skin and hearing her moan with pleasure at your touch. There's nothing better than that in the world right?"

I glanced over and saw Dr. Dover was a bit flushed, and in a bit of a daze. EW- he's thinking about his wife...too much information...I began humming in my head.

Emmett started up again "And really, just because some people in this family are unwilling to give their partners what they want, and God forbid, lose a little bit of control for the first time in like 100 years that doesn't make me a sexual deviant, it makes me a sexual hero! I give my girlfriend everything she wants... and then some."

"Would you like me to make you a cape there Superman?" I asked sarcastically.

_Shut it control freak..._Emmett mentally quipped.

_Sexual hero? Did he really just say that? You get him the cape, I'll work on a nice set of tights for him! _Jasper thought.

Dr. Dover finished his latest pages of notes, no doubt underlining Emmett's announcement of being a sexual hero to his girlfriend."What happens if you don't have sex everyday Emmett?"

"Um...well, nothing."

"Liar!" I said.

"I'm not lying!" _Shut up Mr. Repressed or you'll be sorry._

"Yes he is!" Jasper chimed in.

The doctor looked at him closely "Emmett, you can tell me, what happens if you don't have sex every day? Do you look to another, or look to yourself..."

_Don't laugh, Don't laugh_ I said to myself.

Emmett crossed his arms and refused to answer. Jasper and I of course knew what happened because the only times that he and Rosalie were apart for days on end were when we went on a 'guys only' hunting trip. I knew it was something he was very embarrassed about and would never share. He could be just as stubborn as Bella sometimes.

He and the doctor got into a staring contest, waiting to see who would break it first. I was getting bored with the whole thing and Jasper was starting to rev up the anger in the room so I decided to answer for him. "It's just that if he is away from him girlfriend...he..." Emmett's sense of self preservation took over.

"Edward hears voices!" He shouted.

"For the love of God Emmett!" I roared. How dumb was he? Well I knew the answer to that but to let that bit of information slip? I wanted to tear him limb from limb and find a match. Wait, why am I so angry?

"Damn it Jasper!" I hissed. Jasper was hiding a laugh behind his raised hand.

"Edward! Is what Emmett said true? Do you hear voices?" Dr. Dover asked with wide eyes. _Is he schizophrenic? Multiple personality disorder...it would explain the suicide attempt..._

_Ha ha Edward's in the hot seat now. How does it feel Edward?_ Emmett gloated in his pea brain.

Remembering what Carlisle said, I replied "Yes. I hear voices." Jasper gasped and Emmett tipped his chair over in shock.

_Are you nuts? I mean for real..._ Jasper thought first.

_What the hell are you doing? You can't tell him that...Carlisle is going to kill you..._ Emmett chanted.

"How long have you been hearing voices for?"

"As long as I can remember."

"What do the voices say?" The doctor's writing picked up as he tried to write every word that came out of my mouth.

"All kinds of things."

"Do they ever tell you to do bad things?" He asked cautiously. Jasper and Emmett sat silently still. Jasper tried to calm me, thinking I was having a real breakdown or something,

"Often." It was getting harder and harder not to smile at the absurd questions.

"And what do you do when the voices tell you to do bad things?" _I bet a voice told him to kill himself, that makes so much sense now..._

"I usually hit Emmett or Jasper."

"Huh?" Dr. Dover asked taken completely off guard by my answer.

"I usually hit either Jasper or Emmett, whoever is closer. Then the voices usually stop." I answered while sending a grin Emmett's way.

_Hey Edward when we get home why don't you ask Bella if you can see her naked?_

WHAP I hit Emmett.

"See doc! He just heard a voice. I told you it was bad." Emmett beamed.

_Edward, I think when Bella showers tonight you should just jump in there with her._

WHAP now Jasper was wincing in pain.

"See how violent our dear brother can get? It is so hard living with him when the 'voices' start telling him things." Jasper whined.

_He is a full blown schizo! This is unbelievable...this family will be in therapy forever!_ Dr. Dover imagined session after session of our family screaming at one another. I had to laugh to myself.

"Well maybe if the 'voices' kept their big mouths shut and stopped telling me to do inappropriate things to Bella I wouldn't have to hit you." I steamed at them.

"Edward, the voices tell you to do lewd things to Bella? Is that why you are refusing to have sex with her? You don't want to give in to the monster inside you? How is her eagerness for sex testing your control?"

It took all that I had not to laugh at his questions. Emmett's eyes got huge and Jasper got the giggles.

"The 'monster' in me is well under control I assure you when it comes to Bella. As for her eagerness, that is between Bella and I and I'd rather not discuss it right now." I answered his questions honestly as possible without revealing too much.

"Of course. I already want you and Bella to come for a private session to discuss some other things, I'll just add her pushing your boundaries for a physical relationship to the list." He quickly flipped back a few pages and scribbled furiously. Yet again, so right but so wrong. How does he do that?

The doctor took a deep breath and moved onto his next question "Now Edward, if we could talk for a minute about your control. You just said that you are well in control of things when it comes to Bella. Is that correct?"

Not liking where this was headed, I quickly said "I think you misunderstood what I meant. I didn't mean in control of Bella, I am in control of myself when I'm around Bella. There is a big difference..."

My explanation was interrupted by Emmett's big mouth. "Come off it Edward, you control everything about you and Bella and you know it. How many arguments have we had about you controlling Bella and not supporting her decisions about the future?"

"Emmett you have no idea what you are talking about..."

"No idea? Are you for real? There are two things that Bella wants. And you refuse to give either of them to her because you don't think it's best for her. And technically, if you give into her first demand and make her one of us, then the second one is no longer an issue!" Emmett argued. I felt a sudden surge of anger toward him.

"You know why I can't give into her requests Emmett. I could kill her. Would it be better if she was dead? Is that what you want? And we have been through this countless times, but I will not DAMN her to this life! I love her too much. She has no idea what she would be giving up to be one of us!" I was shouting at him now. "Damn it Jasper can you please stay out of this?" I glared at him.

"This anger is all you brother...I'm just watching the show.." Jasper said innocently.

Dr. Dover cleared his throat. I had forgotten he was even in the room...what had I said exactly. Jasper helped calm me down and I sent an appreciative nod his way. I was so angry before I wasn't very careful...uh oh. Emmett had the same look on his face.

The doctor finally spoke "I think I'm beginning to understand a few things..." We collectively cringed waiting his explanation. "So it all goes back to Bella marrying you and becoming a vegetarian again...Right?"

Without thinking all three of us shouted "Yes!"

"The girls had the same argument earlier ...Do you guys really hate being vegetarians that much?" _If __it's that bad, eat a steak guys...eat two! _Dr. Dover thought.

A buzzer went off signaling the end of our session. "That's all we have time for today gentlemen." Dr. Dover came around the desk in front of us. "I would like you to end your session like the girls ended theirs. ...with a group hug. It helps start the healing process." He said smiling.

Jasper looked at me with a raised eyebrow I_s this guy a little fruity or what? I'm not hugging him and I bet you $10 Emmett won't hug him either._ I nodded my head to accept his bet. Before I had time to turn my head I heard Dr. Dover gasping.

"Emmett put me down! _What is wrong with this family? _You and Bella both need to work on personal boundaries!" He corrected him, straightening out his shirt and tie nervously. "Hug your brothers please..." He said pointing his hand in our direction.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw two big arms heading in my direction and I attempted to duck under them. But before I had time, they pinned me down on the couch. Jasper, apparently having a death wish, sent a wave of lust at Emmett causing him to kiss me full on the lips. "Emmett Cullen get off me and stop kissing me unless you want me to rip the lips off your face this instant... and Jasper if I were you I'd start running now!" I threw Emmett off of me and we both started chasing Jasper out of the office.

"SorryBellagottakillJasperIloveyou..." was all I was able to get out as I ran out the office door, hot on his heels. The last thing I heard was Alice laugh "Oh my goodness! Emmett just made out with Edward in there...Run Jazz, Run!"

_**As always thanks to jashaw for her help even though my email won't cooperate at times :) Hope you liked it! If you did, drop me a reveiw and I'll reply back...I always do :) If you can finish this cheer in your reveiw you get a gold star and you know why too :)... O-H-**_


	6. Homework Sucks!

**I own nothing, Stephenie Meyer owns these characters...I simply sent them off to therapy with Dr. Dover :)**

_Thanks to all who had participated in the poll, I will close it out at midnight tonight and post the final results on my profile before I put up a new one. I just what to know who are the three people who would spend the day with Newton...unless you plan on ditching him somewhere and running off with the vanquish :)_

NOTES from the desk of Dr. Benjamin Dover:

The Cullen Family November 17, 2007

Family members present: _Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Alice Cullen, Edward Cullen, Jasper Hale, Rosalie Hale, & Bella Swan_

Initial meeting observations: _the family seems very close but the tension between them is palpable. Carlisle Cullen approached me about therapy and was able to convince his family to come, some were more willing than others. He and his wife hope therapy will help put to rest some major issues going on within the family and allow them to move forward, putting the endless bickering behind them._

Subjects :

Carlisle Cullen – _Physician, dedicated father figure to 5 teenagers. Overwhelmed by the fighting, but committed to therapy._

Esme Cullen – _Mother, and supporter of her teenage children. Very warm and loving, and is respected by her children. Dedicated to therapy._

Emmett Cullen – _Is enjoying therapy because he likes to see his family in uncomfortable situations. Very large, possible steroid use, boisterous and overly outgoing, delve into what he hides with his humor. Has an admitted, "vigorous" sex life which he seems to enjoy making public. Enjoys teasing sibling Edward and girlfriend Bella about their relationship. Investigate further a suspicious inappropriate relationship with sister Rosalie. Overly physical, big hugger. Has no filter and will tell you anything, even things you don't want to hear. _

Alice Cullen – _Open to therapy, likes laying on the couch. A recently admitted shopping addict. Seems extremely high strung and hyper to the point of being considered neurotic. Justifies stealing in the name of fashion. Strange relationship with a group of homeless people down by the river. Uses makeovers as a way to manipulate and control people like Bella ... and possibly Jasper too. _

Edward Cullen – _Completely closed to therapy. Self loathing, controlling, angry, and high strung. Admits to hearing voices that tell him to do bad things. Possible Schizophrenia/ multiple personality disorder. Four months ago, attempted suicide, claims to be fine now. Calls the attempt a 'misunderstanding' about Bella's death. Doesn't want his girlfriend to become a vegetarian. He is still a virgin and is irritated by his brother's open lifestyle when it comes to sex. Seems to have an irrational __and unhealthy need to protect Bella._

Jasper Hale- -_Very closed to therapy and Yankees. Confederate cross dresser who appears quiet and reserved but seems to have a lot of other emotions lurking just under the surface. Claims girlfriend pressures him into cross dressing situations. Very close relationship with his sister Alice, investigate further. Apparently attempted to kill Bella sometime before Edward's suicide attempt. Investigate further and check to see if a police report was made about the incident. Was it accidental in nature, does he have a disorder of some sort that caused him to behave irrationally? Very charismatic when he wants to be, otherwise strives to keep his emotions in check. _

Rosalie Hale – _Finds therapy beneath her. Narcissistic, egotistical, hostile and tenacious. Seems to completely dislike Bella because she wishes to become a vegetarian like the rest of the family. Is there __more than that? Possible eating disorder, anorexia or bulimia? Will readily tell other people's secrets to protect herself. Volatile relationship with Edward . Gave Edward misinformation that led to his suicide attempt. Very close to Emmett, investigate further. _

Bella Swan – _Terrified of therapy. Appears quiet, shy, possibly low self esteem. Engaged to Edward, but has commitment issues due to her own parents' divorce. Wants a more physical relationship with Edward, who would prefer to wait until marriage. Enjoys close physical contact. Very protective of Edward and will even stand up to the Cullen family to protect him. Doesn't understand Rosalie's anger towards her, might be related to knowing the secret of Rosalie's eating disorder. Desperately wants to become a vegetarian like the rest of the Cullen's. Forgave Jasper for trying to kill her, was devastated when Edward left her for a period of time. Stopped Edward from committing suicide. _

Initial recommendations:

_Extended family therapy sessions, with sessions specifically for _

Edward/Bella

Jasper/Alice

Rosalie/Emmett

Carlisle/Esme

Homework presented to them for next session:

Edward- No control for 24 hours. Bella gets to make all his decisions for him.

Bella- Openly discuss the subject of marriage with Edward, express her fears and answer all his questions on the subject for 24 hours.

Rosalie – Must do two 'bonding' activities with just Bella and treat her with respect.

Emmett – No sex for 24 hours.

Alice Cullen – No shopping for 24 hours.

Jasper Hale – Must express his emotions for 24 hours, hiding nothing that he is feeling from his family.

Carlisle and Esme – Supervise the homework.

Signed : Dr. Benjamin Dover

**Homework Sucks**

**Doctor Dover's POV**

I finished entering my report into the computer from my initial visit with the Cullen's today. There were some major issues I wasn't comfortable addressing today with our limited time, but I'm sure were closer to understanding why the Cullen's acted the way they did. Both the girls and the guys had an unguarded moment today where they laughed together and I was able to witness the love that I sensed was there underneath all the anger. I will just have to keep finding ways to remind them.

I had sent them down to the cafeteria so I could compose my report and decide how to proceed from there. I came up with some homework I wanted them to focus on before our next visit. Some of them will a have difficult time, but I believe the items I will have them focus on can help them begin to move forward and start learning to deal with their specific issues.

There was a knock on my door. "Come in." I said, as Stephenie opened the door and stuck her head in my office.

"The Cullen's are back, Should I show them to the conference room doctor?" she asked casually leaning against the door.

"Yes, tell them I will be right in to see them. How do they look?" I asked quickly.

Stephenie stuck her head back out the door, "Pretty darn hot if you ask me..."

She really was obsessed, she may need a prescription. "That's not what I meant Stephenie. Are they getting along, are they tense or are they screaming at each other? I'd like to know what I'm about to walk into, there are quite a few of them." I asked in a hurry.

Again she glanced out the door, giving a little wave "That tall blond guy is so cute, I think he has leaves in his hair...and what's up with the sleeve ripped off his shirt. It wasn't like that before. Anyway, I couldn't help myself, I had to wave." She mumbled sheepishly. "Um, they seem to be fine, a little quiet, but fine. No bloodshed for now. Why are you expecting something? Should I call security?"

"No, Stephenie, they are fine, I was just wondering...never mind. Show them to the conference room please and behave..." I stressed behave. She simply rolled her eyes at me and slid out the door.

A few deep, cleansing breaths later, I stood up and prepared myself to go and face the Cullen's. I knew they would not be happy about the idea of having homework, but it had to be done. I gathered the last of my papers off my desk and headed down the hall. This time when I entered the room instead of hysterical laughter, the Cullen's looked like they were about to be led to their deaths.

"Come on guys look alive! I know it has been a long day for you...but you look dead on your feet!" I said trying to break the silence with a poor attempt at humor.

Rosalie shook her head in annoyance "You have no idea Dr. Dover, no idea..." I noticed she was glaring at the back of Emmett's head "Of course it's nothing a few r_ubies_ wouldn't fix huh Em?" I looked at poor Emmett and he was actually wincing in pain.

"Well, I wanted to to all come together one more time before we ended for the day because I wanted to ..." Alice's scream interrupted me. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo" was all she said before slamming her head onto the table. Jasper gently reached over and took her hand in his.

Carlisle broke the odd silence. "Go ahead doctor, Alice just has..."

"Cramps." Emmett shouted.

"Emmett Cullen what would you know about cramps? Does little miss Ruby get really bad cramps? Huh? Does she? That trampy girlfriend of yours..." Rosalie was seething in anger. She seemed to have a lot of resentment towards her brother's girlfriends...

"Children. You are being extremely rude, Dr. Dover was speaking." Esme scolded the teens. Silence once again came over the room. "Dr. Dover please continue."

"Thank you Mrs. Cullen, um where was I...oh yes, I wanted to give each of you an assignment to complete before you come back here for your next session the day after tomorrow. I spent some time, finding one thing I think that might help each of you start breaking down some of the walls that you have put up to protect yourselves. Working on your homework might be painful, but it will help you start dealing with your issues and hopefully in the long run bring you closer together as a family." I saw them all looking nervously at Alice and Edward who just shook their heads slowly.

"Um, I'll start with Carlisle and Esme. I would like you two to simply make sure they follow through with their assignments please. The assignments all have a 24 hour duration." Esme and Carlisle nodded their heads in understanding.

I glanced around and saw Bella was the only one making eye contact with me right now. Of course she looked like a deer in headlights, but still she was looking at me. "Bella, your homework will be to openly discuss the subject of marriage with Edward. Any questions or concerns he asks you about, you need to answer. If something is bothering you or making you nervous about the wedding, you must share that with him." Bella looked like she was going to faint, while Edward broke out in a huge grin.

"Of all the things, why do I have to do that?" Bella asked quietly. I thought about it before I answered.

"The reason I made that your homework is because I feel like there are still some things you and Edward haven't discussed. Your concerns about marrying him are important to discuss before you get married and I think it is playing a big role in his behavior towards you. He can't read your mind Bella, the only way he will know your fears is for you to tell him so that is what I am asking you to do." The Cullen family exchanged shocked glances and Edward was trying very hard to suppress a smile.

Since Edward was enjoying himself so much, I decided to give him his homework next. "Edward, for your homework, you will let Bella be completely in control. You are to make no decisions, she will make all of them for you. What you wear, where you sit, what you eat, what you watch on TV...all those things are hers to decide. I want you to let go of everything and see how you feel. Bella, he is not your slave and doesn't have to do what you 'tell him to do' but if he has to make a decision, you get the final say. Understand?" Bella looked much happier now while Edward looked livid.

"That is absolutely absurd!" I heard him mumble under his breath.

"It may be absurd, but it is your homework and I have a feeling the whole family is going to make sure you follow through with it, so good luck." I added.

I looked around and decided to get this one over with..."Emmett, I have an assignment for you. After that little display in the office with your brother, I am still concerned by your sexual choices, so I am giving you a cold shower...no sex for 24 hours. No kissing either..." Rosalie slammed her hand onto the table laughing.

"Oh come on Doc! What did I do to you? I was open and honest and this is what I get for it? Therapy sucks!" Emmett grumbled from his chair. Rosalie however, was beaming.

"Poor pitiful RUBY gets no loving from her grizzly bear Emmett. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Good luck with the homework Emmett. Dr. Dover I swear I will do everything in my power to make sure Emmett has absolutely no physical contact with any female, not even Esme, for 24 hours. I am that dedicated to his recovery. You are a genius doctor." Her hair swung gracefully over her shoulder as she twisted around in her seat to glare at Emmett.

"I'm so happy to hear how dedicated you are to Emmett's recovery. Let's hope you feel the same way about mending your relationship with Bella, because you must come up with two bonding activities to do with her and only her in the next 24 hours. I want you to to get to know each other better and Esme will get final approval on the plans. Does that make sense?" I felt the lasers on my chest as she glared at me. Her smile was completely lost behind the snarl that had appeared. Bella looked terrified again, but Edward gave Rosalie a deadly look, but she ignored it.

"That's not fair! Why do they get girl time and I get stuck with the boys! I want Bella time...I hate Bella now too!"Alice screeched irrationally, as she bounced up and down in her chair. "Don't you DARE go shopping." She spat to them, through clenched teeth.

"Sorry Alice, this is between Rose and Bella, they need to work it out together. I do have some homework for you. Would you like to hear what it is?" I asked like I was speaking to a five year old. She pouted and nodded her head yes.

"I know it didn't go so well last time, but Alice, I would like you to not shop for 24 hours. Carlisle, I am going to ask you to take the necessary precautions to prepare your home so that Alice will not be tempted to shop." Alice began vibrating violently in her chair as her eyes grew bigger and bigger and bigger.

"When does the 24 hours start?" She asked in a hurried voice. I didn't answer fast enough because she screamed "WHEN DOES IT START MAN!"

I had no idea so I randomly chose a time "It starts at 7pm this evening until 7pm tomorrow night." That seemed to make her relax in her chair a bit. She looked at Edward and then bolted out of her seat for the door.

"Sorry doc!" She took a deep breath and continued "IgottagoshopnowwhileIstillcanbeforeIcan'tshopanymore.Isawagiftshopdownstairsgottashopbye!" And Alice streaked out of the conference room, the door banging against the wall with such force, that a nearby picture fell of the wall and crashed to the floor.

"This is going to be bad." Jasper mumbled to himself, Edward nodded his head in agreement. Rosalie once again, seemed to be enjoying her siblings' torture, her assignment must be looking better and better to her.

I looked around the room, only one person was left, and I was a bit nervous to tell him his, with his having tried to kill Bella and all. I cleared my throat and started talking. "Jasper, that brings us to you. Your homework is going to be difficult for you, but I think it will help you and your family tremendously. For 24 hour I want you to openly express every emotion you are feeling to your family. Make them feel whatever you are feeling, express yourself." Jasper's normally stoic face, broke into a huge smile. He briefly made eye contact with Edward who looked really upset.

"Doctor, I will do whatever you say, you are the professional and I am merely the patient. Thank you for this opportunity. I'm sure my family will find it ...quite interesting to feel all my feelings. I just hope they can handle it, especially my dear brother Emmett." Emmett gasped as Jasper's gaze met his, like a mental light bulb just went off in his head. Emmett lowered his head to the table and muttered about finding a monastery somewhere for the day...

Carlisle looked around the room at his children who were having all different reactions to the homework given. Some were thrilled, some were scared, others annoyed, depressed and panicked. One had even fled the room to go on a last minute shopping bender before her homework began. He rose to his feet and addressed me "Dr. Dover I want to thank you for all your help today. I promise that Esme and I will make sure the children complete their assignments that you have given them to the best of their abilities before our next session." He extended his hand to me, and Esme did the same.

"Jasper, please go down to the gift shop and pry Alice out of there before there are no 'get well' gifts left for the real patients. The rest of you may head home and we will have a family meeting this evening at 5pm. Bella, I will call Charlie and talk to him, I would like you to be at the meeting as well. Please thank Dr. Dover for his patience with us today."

A chorus of, "Thank you doctor, and thanks doc!" came from the Cullen children as they gracefully exited the conference room. As I followed them to the waiting room, I saw maintenance replacing the pane of glass on the main office door. Stephenie glared at Rosalie as she walked past her desk. _I guess I know what broke out here earlier... _I thought to myself. Rosalie flashed a beautiful smile at the maintenance workers who decided to hold the door open for her as she exited the office.

As the last Cullen closed the door shut behind them I finally exhaled, I looked over at Stephenie, and mumbled "Hold all my calls, I need a few minutes alone." I stumbled into my office and sank back into my large, padded chair.

_What the hell was I thinking agreeing to this case?_ _They looked so normal.._._I'm definitely going to need a drink after work._

_**Hope you liked it. I bit of filler before the Cullen's do their homework!! The poll is still open until midnight...Please review :)**_


	7. An Unlikely Alliance

**An Unlikely Alliance**

**I own nothing...Stephenie Meyer is the one true owner of the Cullen family. I simply sent them to therapy :)**

_So here is another chapter for you!! A Thanksgiving treat...before everyone is busy cooking and eating! I put the results of the last poll up and there is a new one up now so go vote..., I'm very interested by the results so far...my choice isn't winning but that's all I'll say until it's over... Read, laugh, and review!_

**BPOV**

We rode back to the Cullen's in silence. Carlisle had called and explained the situation to Charlie and he agreed to let me spend the next two days at Edward's house under Carlisle's watchful eye. My head rested on the cool car window of Edward's car for a few minutes, while I tried to gather my thoughts.

Edward couldn't stand my silence any longer "Sooooo how was your session?" he asked tentatively, but with a coy tone in his voice, trying to break the tension in the car.

I glanced at his face and saw the worry hidden behind his little smirk. "Oh, not much. Let's see Alice admitted she gives my clothes to the River People as kindling for their fires, I outed Alice as a shopping addict, Rosalie said I was marrying you for the sex, so that's when I said she had an eating disorder, the doctor made her eat an apple and then she threatened to eat me. Then during the group hug, Rose shoved me into Dr, Dover who now thinks I have a thing for him I think...Oh yeah, and she rubbed apple juice in my hair...a good time was had by all if you ask me." I looked up and saw the shock on his face.

"Didn't you see any of this in their thoughts?" I asked confused.

He shook his head "No, I told you I was blocking everyone like Carlisle asked. Wow, your session went about as well as ours did."

My curiosity peaked, I grinned as I asked "And what did you boys talk about?"

Edward took a deep breath "Well, The session started with Jasper and the doctor getting into a Civil War show down of sorts, the doctor was afraid to ask him too many questions with him being an attempted murderer and all, then Jasper made Emmett and I laugh and the doctor thought we were having a break down...so Emmett said Jasper was a cross dresser and he admitted wearing women's underwear..." We looked at each other and said at the same time "Alice!" and laughed. Edward continued the story. "But then the doctor was starting to figure everything out about Alice and Jasper so I said Emmett was a sex addict which of course he was totally proud of and went on to tell...way too much information to the doctor. And then Emmett almost slipped up and that is where 'Ruby' came from."

"Oh, that explains it, Rose kept saying all this stuff about some tramp Ruby. And then broke the window in the office door...I guess it makes sense in a weird Rosalie way to be mad at Emmett for making up a fake girlfriend which is really her." I mumbled. "So what else happened?"

"More stuff about Emmett's sex life, costumes...ugh...and then he actually referred to himself as a sexual hero, still not sure I understand that one...and then Emmett told Dr. Dover I hear voices..." He nearly whispered the last part.

"He told the doctor you hear voices?" I burst out into hysterical laughter. "Oh my gosh Edward what did you do?"

"I went along with it...told him the voices told me to do bad things and when they did I would hit Emmett and Jasper...then we argued about you becoming a vegetarian and then the group hug thing at the end." He shifted nervously in his seat.

"And was it during the group hug that Emmett made out with you?" I asked trying my hardest not to laugh. I bit my lip as hard as possible without breaking the skin while my body shook from the suppressed laughter.

"Stupid Jasper sent a wave of lust when Emmett was hugging me and he went monkey nuts and started kissing me. That's why Jasper ran out of our session. We found him hiding in the bushes out front and after the atomic wedgie Emmett gave him, he apologized. Of course the shirt sleeve was an accident, Esme is a bit mad about that one."

As he finished his tale, we found ourselves sitting in front of the Cullen house. Neither one of us moved to get out of the car. I turned to see him tapping his fingers nervously on the steering wheel. "How long do you think we can hide out here?" I asked smiling.

"Not long enough. Come on, Carlisle knows we're here and if we don't get in there, he's just going to drag us in kicking and screaming." Edward said as he turned off the car.

"Can we go hide in your room until the meeting?' I asked hopefully. Edward gave me a dazzling smile as he leaned over to me and said "We can try..." As he leaned closer to me I heard a tap on the glass. When I turned , I saw Emmett pressed against the glass making kissy faces.

"I would have thought you and Rose would be upstairs...having a moment before your drought starts dear brother. Alice is definitely making the most out of her last few free hours." Edward teased Emmett as we climbed out of the car.

Emmett started pouting "Well, I would be up there, however Rose is still a little miffed about the Ruby thing. I just don't get it, she is Ruby. She knows that right? " Emmett asked me.

"Yes Emmett, I think she knows. Maybe you should go tell her that Ruby is a miserable slut and you dumped her and realized Rose was the only woman for you. That might work. If it doesn't, don't tell her I gave you the idea. Got it?" I said quite seriously. I had to spend time with Rose and the last thing I wanted was her mad at me.

A huge smile broke out on Emmett's face. "Thanks Bella. That's a great idea." He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Edward shot him a an annoyed glare which made Emmett roll his eyes and give me a big kiss me on the lips. "What can I say, I'm just a sex addict and now I've kissed both of you in the same day! Was it as good for you as it was for me?" He teased, but then he looked really nervous. "Just ...um, don't tell Rose I kissed you or I'll be dead, thanks."

He ran off into the house and we heard him yelling for Rosalie as the door shut behind him. I took Edward's hand in mine as we walked up to the porch. Inside the house there was a flurry of activity. Alice was on line and on the phone, feverishly making purchases and cursing about the slow speed of the modem. Jasper was sitting next to her with a pile of catalogs, ready to hand her the next one when she was finished. She glanced in our direction and gave us a quick smile but went back to her ordering. I heard her arguing with the person on the phone about overnight shipping.

My idea must have worked because I saw Emmett scoop Rosalie up in his arms and run up the stairs. "Thank goodness they made up." I said to myself, but of course Edward heard and was completely puzzled by my interest.

"Why are you so concerned about their love life Bella?" The confusion was written all over Edward's face.

"Well, it's for a somewhat selfish reason. I want Rosalie as happy as possible when we do our bonding activities and some alone time with Emmett will help keep her mood up. I don't want her anymore irritable than necessary." My words made Edward burst out laughing.

"It's all about getting through the next 24 hours alive Edward, self- preservation." A loud crash came from upstairs that got even Alice's attention. Esme, who had been sitting quietly on the couch just shook her head. "You two may not want to head upstairs for a while..." I nodded my head in agreement. Edward gave a slight shudder and went and sat at the piano and played for awhile to drown out the sounds of Emmett and Rosalie's love, coming from upstairs.

At precisely 5:00 Carlisle came into the family room and asked us to join him in the dining room. Emmett and Rosalie emerged from upstairs, both with silly grins on their faces, Emmett gave me a wink which made me blush. Edward's arm wrapped around me as he lead me to the chair next to his. When we were all finally seated, Carlisle stood at the head of the table again and began.

"I want to thank you all for going to therapy today, I know it was not easy for any of you, but Esme and I stand firmly behind our decision to give this a try. I also know that the homework Dr. Dover gave each of you will be quite challenging but I have no doubt that you all will be successful in completing it. Esme and I have decided that you will all complete your homework in the same 24 hour period so from 7 pm tonight until 7 pm tomorrow homework rules apply. Alice, the phone and Internet will be cut to the house to help you. Rosalie will also disable all the cars so no one will be leaving by car. If you try and make a run for it, Emmett has gladly agreed to restrain you." Alice started tapping her foot nervously.

"As for you Emmett, you may not be alone with Rosalie at any give time during the 24 hour period. Someone must be with you are all times. We are also taking the door off your bedroom just to be safe, not that it would stop you, but ..." Carlisle's voice trailed off as we all snickered. He was right, having no door wouldn't stop them.

"Edward, you know the rules for you and Bella and I hope that we won't have any problems with you two fulfilling your assignments. We hope Bella, that you will not abuse the power that has been given to you where Edward is concerned and Edward we ask that you remain considerate of Bella as she completes her homework. A little understanding and patience from you will be expected." Edward nodded his head alongside me.

Carlisle sighed, "Jasper, Jasper, Jasper." Jasper let out a small, evil chuckle which gave me goosebumps. "You my son, have the power to make all of our lives miserable for the next 24 hours but I hope that you will refrain from doing so and I personally will be keeping my eye on you." This time, Jasper sank a bit lower in his chair, knowing Carlisle was serious. "I do not want you thwarting your siblings homework attempts for your own personal amusement. Got it?" Jasper silently nodded his head, but I was still worried because Edward was still glaring at him.

"You all have two hours, use them wisely...at 7pm, homework begins." The words no sooner left Carlisle's lips and Alice sprang out of her seat, jumped over Jasper's legs and sprinted back toward the garage. Jasper was hot on her heels "I'll be back by seven I swear Carlisle..." Alice shrieked as she tore out of the house. I heard Rosalie's high pitched squeal as Emmett chased her back upstairs.

At 6:50 pm the front door flew open and Alice stumbled into the house. Jasper's hair was disheveled and he looked slightly dazed. Edward sprung to his feet and ran over to him "Jasper what the hell happened to you? Did you get attacked?" Jasper shook his head no, but refused to speak. Alice plopped down on the couch next to me.

"Alice, are you OK?" I asked hesitantly. Alice turned to me with a glassy look in her eyes. "It was really scary Bella, I dragged Jazz to the ...oh my god...I dragged him to ...Walmart! They had so much stuff...it was a Super Walmart and I just ran through the aisles throwing things into the cart as fast as I could. When I filled one up, I hurled it at Jasper and got a new one. People thought I had won some sort of radio contest and only had 2 minutes to shop. After it went on for twenty minutes, people got scared. When they called the police we took off. Jasper is still in shock." She glanced lovingly over at her husband who was sitting perfectly still at the kitchen counter. Edward's mouth was hanging open, as he sat there reading Jasper's thoughts I'm sure.

"What did you do with all the stuff Alice?" I looked around and noticed she hadn't brought a single bag into the house with her.

"We took it all down to the women's shelter...they thought they won the lottery." Alice mumbled as she got up off of the couch and walked over to the still stunned Jasper. "Sorry Jazz, I don't know what came over me..." She whispered sweetly in his ear.

He held up a hand to stop her. "Let's never speak of it again Alice." He glanced down at his watch. "I need to get my emotions under control in the next seven minutes or everyone in a mile radius is going to have a complete panic attack. Please excuse me..." Jasper rose out of his chair and walked up to their room.

With a sad face, Alice trailed after him. "Wait for me Jazz, I'm better now I promise..."

Stunned, Edward and I sat at the kitchen counter when suddenly the lights flickered. "What the heck was that?" I asked

Edward started laughing. "Carlisle is a brilliant surgeon, however his electrical skills could use some work." From the basement I heard Carlisle shout, "I heard that Edward...you want to come down here and help smart guy?" Edward rolled his eyes "He's trying to disconnect the phone and Internet but apparently the wires all look the same."

I giggled at the thought of Carlisle downstairs swearing at the circuit board. "AHA! Success..." I heard Carlisle say as he came up the basement stairs. Rosalie appeared from her room, straightening her hair as she scurried off to the garage. "I'm on it Carlisle...I just got a little distracted." Edward glanced nervously at his watch.

"One minute until homework starts. Are you ready?" He asked anxiously. I shook my head no. He took my hand in his and lead me out to the couch in the family room.

In the corner of the room, Carlisle was making sure the Internet was disabled completely. Esme came in and watched over his shoulder as he fiddled with the computer. "No online shopping for 24 hours." He said with a wink.

Emmett reappeared from his room, looking happy as a clam. He was messing with his watch when he looked up at us and explained "What? I'm just setting an alarm, I want to know the second my 24 hours are up!" Rosalie came in from the garage, having just disabled the cars. We were all officially trapped together for the next 24 hours.

"Come on Rose..." Emmett wailed.

She looked up at him totally confused "What are you whining about you big baby? It's been what, thirty seconds?? Maybe you do have a problem." He walked slowly over to her and pointed at a smear of grease on her cheek from her working on the cars.

"You know how much I like you all greasy Rose...why would you do this to me when I'm supposed to be living the life of a monk..." He was actually pouting like a baby.

Rose was trying to wipe it off, but missed a part and he just kept whining. Having had enough of Emmett's tantrum, I got up and walked over to her. "Come here Rose, no look, you missed a spot right here..apparently that tiny mark is enough to bring the big guy to his knees."

She pulled her long blond hair back to expose her whole cheek. As I raised my hand to wipe the grease off, Rose suddenly grabbed my wrist, and I froze somewhat terrified. Her piercing eyes looked into mine and somewhere in the background I heard Edward yell "JASPER!" but it was too late, before I could blink, Rose planted a huge kiss on my lips.

Everything happened quickly. I heard a huge crash and a lot of swearing but all I could see were Rosalie's eyes, inches away from mine. She had me in some sort of vampire vice grip that I couldn't escape from as her lips continued to move against mine, so I simply stood there frozen. Her lips stayed pressed against mine for what seemed like an eternity, until her eyes flew open and she screamed in shock. "What the hell just happened?"

"Um, I think you just kissed me Rose. Was that one of our bonding activities?" I asked nervously. If that was one, I was afraid of what the other would be. I found it hard to believe Esme would have approved of that type of bonding experience.

"Of course not! Jasper, that evil little twit, sent this enormous wave of lust at me right when you got close and I couldn't stop myself...Jasper you will die..." Her screams finally died down when we both turned to face the rest of the Cullen's.

Emmett was sitting on top of what remained of Esme's coffee table with his hand over his heart, clutching his shirt. Edward had his hand over his mouth and his other hand was ripping into the arm of the couch. Carlisle and Esme were laughing hysterically over near the computer and Alice was at the top of the stairs smacking Jasper repeatedly.

"What is it with you and causing everyone to make out today? First, Edward and Emmett and now the girls? Did you watch some perverted orgy movie last night? I thought we blocked all those channels from you guys after the last incident." She asked with an accusatory stare.

"No, No, Alice, I thought Rose would be with Emmett, and she'd,...you know, jump on Emmett... I had no idea she's start making out with Bella! Emmett is filling my universe with all his lustful feelings for a greasy Rosalie...I was just letting the family _feel_ my emotions like Dr. Dover said...and then YOU kissed me and I just couldn't stop myself! But now look at Emmett, he's paralyzed I think." My eyes flew back down to Emmett who was panting, but hadn't moved an inch, his eyes were still going back from my face to Rosalie's as he clutched his heart. From the stairs, Alice and Jasper's laughter flowed throughout the house. "Quick Jazz we better hide..."

When it finally sank in that I had just kissed Rosalie, my face turned scarlet and I backed away from her slowly "Sorry Rose, my bad..um the grease is still there, but I'll let you get it..." And as fast as I could, I jumped into Edward's lap and buried my face. He sat as still as a statue for a few more seconds and then I heard him exhale slowly. His free arm wrapped gently around my shoulder as he kissed my head.

"So, who's a better kisser, me or Rose?" he asked casually. I felt his body start to shake from his laughter. Furious, I sat up and looked him in the eye, raised an eyebrow and replied."Jealous are you Edward? Let's just say I can see why Emmett enjoys kissing her so much! " I fumed as I stood up and started walking upstairs. I saw Rose glare at the still stunned Emmett and storm up the stairs ahead of me. She slammed the door so hard, I heard the wood crack. Of course Alice and Jasper had disappeared, fearing for their safety.

As I reached the top of the stairs, I paused, long enough to hear Emmett finally speak. "Dude, that was probably the hottest thing I've ever seen." I smiled, that explained Emmett's reaction.

What shocked me was Edward's reply "I know..." as he started laughing with Emmett.

I glanced down the stairs and saw Rose had poked her head out the door and was listening to them too. She had a huge smile on her face. Her eyes traveled up to the hall I was standing in when I saw her hold up one finger for me to wait for her. She silently flew up the stairs and came into Edward's room, closing the door behind us. A notepad appeared out of her pocket as scribbled me a note.

_'Sorry about the kiss. Jasper sucks. I know what our first bonding activity will be. We're going on a picnic for breakfast. Sound good?'_

I nodded my head yes and smiled.

I took the pen 'W_hat's on the menu for the picnic?_'

A huge grin came across her face a she scrawled '_A dish best served cold_...'

I read it and gave her a wink of understanding. An unlikely alliance had been formed between us and it had been sealed with a kiss.

Rose started writing again._ 'When we go on our picnic, I need Edward to play the piano until we get back so no one in the house will overhear our conversation. Can you swing that?'_

I flashed her the thumbs up, making her grin even wider than before. She gave me a quick hug and disappeared out the door.

Edward was still downstairs, discussing who knows what with Emmett, when I decided to make his first decision for him. I went over to his door, threw it open and yelled "Edward, you have just decided to come upstairs and make sure I am OK after making out with your sister!"

Emmett started laughing "Ha ha, Bella's making your decisions for you. Ha ha a girl is telling you what to do..."

"Bella?" I heard Edward call up the stairs.

"Yes, I decided you can smack him, use Rosalie's bonus issue of Cosmo...it's thicker please!" I replied.

Two loud WHAPS later, Edward was at my side on his leather couch.

"How are you? I'm so sorry my sister molested your lips." He said meekly. I raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief. "Somehow I just don't think you're all that sorry about it." I quipped.

"Come on Bella, you have to admit it was kind of funny..." he said while poking my side trying to get me to laugh.

"Was it as funny as when Emmett kissed you today? Would you call that funny? At least the only person that saw it was Jasper. I made out with Rose in front of the entire family!" My voice kept getting louder until I was finally shouting at him.

I was taken completely off guard when instead of looking angry, Edward looked amused. "What is so funny Edward? Is my anger amusing to you?" I shouted.

"No love, but it's not your anger your feeling right now..."

"Damn it Jasper!" I screamed as I ran in to the hall in time to see a blur of blond hair running down the stairs. "You better run Jasper...I'll remember this...when you least expect it!!" Completely out of air, I bent over and put my hands on my thighs trying to catch my breath. "stupid vampire brother in law" I mumbled as I walked back into Edward's room.

"Thanks for all your help with your brother Edward." I snarled. Realizing I was still acting like a rabid dog, I took a few deep breaths while Edward continued to be amused by my current state.

"You are really cute when you are angry, did you know that?" He said as he came over and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Not funny Edward, I'm still mad." My mind was racing with ways to bring down Jasper when I felt Edwards face right next to mine.

"You know Bella, I was trying to decide if I should kiss your shoulder or your neck, what do you think?" His icy breath sent chills down my back as his face brushed against my hair.

"Um...well...you should definitely kiss my neck I guess..." Immediately, I felt his lips against the warm skin of my neck. My knees felt weak as my head swam.

"Are you feeling better now Bella?" Edward whispered with his lips still kissing along my neck.

"Yeah...better...much better." I mumbled as my heart jumped into overdrive. Edward laughed at the thunder of my heart as I leaned back into his chest.

"So Bella, now that you are feeling better..." His lips slowly moved up to my cheek and were creeping slowly toward my lips "MMMHMM" I mumbled incoherently as my eyes closed, waiting for his lips to touch mine.

"I have some wedding questions for you!" My eyes flew open to see his grinning face a millimeter away from mine.

"Fine, but what are you going to wear when you interrogate me? Oh, that's easy, you just decided to be shirtless when you ask these ridiculous questions. Strip Edward!" I demanded as I flopped myself onto his bed. I laid on my stomach and propped my head up under my elbows waiting for the show to begin.

"Bella, I am not taking off my shirt." He said stubbornly.

"Yes you are."

"No."

"Yes you are...Carlisle!!!!!" I yelled. Within seconds, Carlisle stood in the doorway to Edward's room. "What did you need Bella?" He asked as he glanced at Edward's annoyed face.

"Edward isn't doing his homework and I thought you should know about it."

"Edward what did you do now?" Carlisle sighed.

"Nothing, Bella is being absurd again. She said I have to take off my shirt when I talk to her. Dr. Dover said I was not her slave." He said indignantly and crossed his arms.

"I did not say you had to take your shirt off, I asked you what you were planning on wearing when you asked me these questions which requires you to make a decision, which you are not allowed to make, so I get to make it for you and I say you are shirtless. Carlisle you are the judge, did I break any rules here?" I innocently asked as I looked up at Carlisle who was trying to hold in a laugh. His eyes went apologetically to Edward who let out a loud sigh and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"Thanks for the help Carlisle!" I waved merrily as he left Edward's room, closing the door behind himself.

"See I was right you were wrong..." I teased but then the breath caught in my throat. Edwards shirt was off, exposing his pale chest which was the picture of perfection. My eyes took in the beauty that was a shirtless Edward, burning the image into my memory. As I sat utterly dazzled on the bed, something black hit me in the face and snapped me back to reality. When I looked down, it was Edward's shirt and it was in my lap. "It's not nice to throw things Edward."

"It's not nice to stare Isabella" He said as his honey eyes looked deeply into mine. He came over and laid down beside me on the bed, resting his head on his arm.

"So, now that I am half naked, can I ask a few questions?" He asked sweetly.

"Yeah- you can pretty much do whatever you want if you're half naked Edward, to tell you the truth..." I mumbled still under the influences of his dazzling. He laughed to himself and then pondered his first question.

"Do you love me?'

"Of course I love you."

"Do you want to spend eternity with me?"

"Again, of course I do."

"Why does marriage scare you so much?"

"My mom brainwashed me."

"Are you afraid of what Renee or Charlie will think about us getting married?"

"I guess part of me is concerned about that but if they don't warm up to the idea, I'll just have you go over there shirtless and unleash all your dazzling powers on them and they'll be putty in your hands. And then, when I'm a vampire, I can help dazzle them too! But I'll keep my shirt on..."

"So are you happy we're getting married or are you just going through the motions to make everyone else happy?" I noticed he held his breath as he waited or my answer.

I took his hand into mine and looked him right in the eye as I answered. "I'm thrilled to be marrying you, terrified of the whole wedding thing, though. As long as Alice behaves, I'll be fine. Truly, I cannot wait to become Mrs. Edward Cullen."

"So then you're not just marrying me for the sex?" A beautifully crooked grin broke out on his face. I gave his shoulder a teasing shove.

"No Edward, I am not marrying you for the sex, however I am expecting it to be spectacular, the sex that is...no pressure of course."

"Bella, what am I going to do with you?" He asked as he leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"Marry me, have sex with me and then change me into a vampire so we can spend an eternity together. How does that sound?" I asked playfully as I traced my fingers across his bare back.

"Perfect." He purred in my ear as he started kissing me. I rolled onto my back and Edward moved over me, never taking his lips from mine. I moved my hands up and down his back, trying not to pull him too close or I knew he'd move away.

"Breathe Bella" He whispered as he moved his lips down my neck and across my collarbone. I moved my hands between us and began running my fingers over the perfectly sculpted muscles of his chest. I felt him take a deep breath and whisper my name.

My head was spinning until I was brought back to reality. The door to Edward's room flew off the hinges and crashed to the ground inches form the bed. "Get off her man!" I heard Emmett shout. "For the love of God are you trying to kill me? I have Jasper throwing buckets of lust at me because of you two! It's so bad, that Esme has locked Rosalie in an undisclosed location in the house and it's only 8:30pm. I still have 22 hours thirty minutes to go... Edward where the hell is your shirt?"

_**Thanks to everyone who sent me ideas on what to make the poor Cullen's do, apparently the story has crept into some of your brains and you are dreaming about it :) Hope you laughed. A big thanks to jashaw for her continued help on this story ! Review please and Vote...poll will close on Thanksgiving.!!**_

_**I have a quick Thanksgiving recommended read for you all. It's a story titled Meyer University by Sh.C and it has the best Thanksgiving scene in it. For those of you who tend to fall out of your seats with laughter, fasten your seat belts. I had tears in my eyes. It is a great story too...give it a read if you haven't!!**_


	8. Read 'em and Weep

_**I own nothing!! Stephenie Meyer owns these sane, mentally stable characters!**_

_**Thanks to everyone who is reading this and reviewing! The reviews are cracking me up :) I put up a new poll for you guys to try, this one is tough...I think I will take the top five vote getters and do a run off fr the final answer to my poll question "Favorite line by Edward in Twilight." Go vote!**_

**Read 'em and Weep**

_Previously on Family Therapy Cullen Style : (Shirtless Edward)_

_My head was spinning until I was brought back to reality. The door to Edward's room flew off the hinges and crashed to the ground inches form the bed. "Get off her man!" I heard Emmett shout. "For the love of God are you trying to kill me? I have Jasper throwing buckets of lust at me because of you two! It's so bad, that Esme has locked Rosalie in an undisclosed location in the house and it's only 8:30pm. I still have 22 hours thirty minutes to go... Edward where the hell is your shirt?"_

**BPOV**

"Back off Emmett or I'll have him decide to take the pants off too and then you'll really be in trouble because I don't think even your vampire strength will be able to keep me away from him..." I shot back as I climbed onto my knees on the bed, daring him to tempt me. Edward looked terrified that Emmett would say something stupid that would cause him to lose his pants.

Realizing the insanity of his actions, Emmett fell to the ground and began rocking back and forth on the floor. "I'm not going to make it...this is impossible...maybe I should go find a cave to hide in until tomorrow..." I had never seen Emmett look so pitiful for as long as I'd known him.

Edward walked over to him to give him a little pep talk "Come on Emmett, you can do this...you've been away from Rosalie before and you survived. Why is this any different? Come on, Bella we need to decide what to do to keep Emmett occupied, and since that is your department..."

I thought about it for a few minutes and then a brilliant idea came to me, but I had to quickly change my mind before Alice saw what I had planned. I looked at Edward and Emmett. "Do you both trust me?" My smile must have scared them because they looked at me for a really long time weighing their options before finally nodding their heads yes.

I ran into Edward's closet and grabbed a pile of clothes. "Edward put on as much clothing as possible, but be subtle about it, Alice can't notice. Wear three pairs of socks, two tank tops under you shirt, shorts under your jeans that kind of thing OK?" The corner's of his mouth turned up into a smile, even though he couldn't read my mind, he could see where this was going and was happy about it.

"Emmett, you go do the same thing...remember, be subtle, we don't want certain people knowing what we are up too..." Emmett slowly got up off the floor and smiled. If there is one thing Emmett loved it was a good prank. "We'll meet you downstairs in a while."

I ran into the bathroom and gathered as many clothes as I could find. I even stole a few pairs of Edward's socks. With my layers of clothing on my body, I grabbed a sweatshirt and threw it on. Edward looked exactly the same, except he choose a more loose fitting shirt to hide the layers beneath it.

I took his hand "You are going to have to trust me OK? Just go with the flow, you know who the target of this little caper is right? I'm sure you can _feel_ it...so use your power when the time is right. Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes." I said with a wink.

He leaned in and gave me a kiss "Whatever you say Bella, you are in charge today." As his cool breath hit my face, my knees started to buckle, but I quickly shook off the fog.

"We can't do this now Edward, think of poor Emmett. I don't want to see him explode." I gave his hand a squeeze and he laughed and led me downstairs.

"Where's Alice" I whispered to Edward.

"She and Jasper are _busy_ at the moment. " Edward chuckled. "Apparently they decided to hide in the attic closet, but when no one came looking for them, they got bored...now, they aren't so bored anymore." I clapped my hands together, this just might work.

"Do you know where Esme has Rosalie hidden?" Edward nodded his head yes. "Good, go tell them how to dress and get ready to come downstairs in a few minutes. Hurry!" Edward ran upstairs, while I hurried into Carlisle's office and closed the door tightly behind me.

"What can I do for you Bella?" Carlisle asked form behind his desk. My face blushed my darkest shade of red. I was nervous he would object to my plan, but I had to try.

"Hey Carlisle, so um, ..I have a favor to ask." I said looking down at my shoes nervously.

"So ask me." I could hear the smile in his voice. I looked up and took deep breath and started rambling.

"Jasper is abusing his homework privileges and making everyone miserable, especially poor Emmett. So I was hoping you would join us for a little game so we can get back a little at Jasper?" I managed to finish the whole speech in one big breath. When I ran out of air, I waited patiently for his response.

I watched his eyes twinkle as a smile came over his face. "Count me in. What should I do?"

I quickly told him to put a few extra layers of clothing on and join the rest of us in the family room. When I finished the explanation, he got out of his chair and hugged me. "You really were made for Edward weren't you? This family was truly blessed the day you came into our lives. Another evil genius to add to the bunch." He said with a laugh as he went to find Esme and prepare for the fun.

I ran out to the family room and found Edward, Emmett and Rosalie sitting on the couch. Rosalie was rubbing Emmett's back gently as he looked lovingly at her. Edward opened his arms and I climbed happily into his lap. "Sooo are they still occupied?" I asked casually.

Edward's face grimaced "Yes, they're occupied"

"How occupied?" I asked.

"Very" Edward said as I felt him shudder.

"Perfect." I said as I winked at Emmett. His face broke out in a grin as Esme and Carlisle joined us.

"Here goes nothing..." I said as I looked at Rosalie.

"So Rose, would you like to go shopping?" 3,2,1

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A horrible scream came from the attic. There was a crash and a little black blur flew downstairs and blocked our exit. Alice stood in the doorway, her arms extended out at her sides. She was in a crouching position like she was ready to pounce on us if we took one step toward the door.

Her hair was completely disheveled, but what made us all laugh, was the fact that her shirt was on backwards, only one leg was fully in her jeans and she stood there in bare feet. Jasper came running downstairs a few seconds behind her and he looked no better. His shirt was wide open and he stood there in his boxer shorts fuming.

"No one is leaving this house to shop, got it!" Alice growled in my direction. In that second she was the scariest vampire I had ever seen.

Carlisle stood up and walked over to Alice. I felt Jasper send a wave of calm through the room. "Alice, Bella and Rosalie were teasing, they aren't going anywhere. Come on, get away from the door and you may want to fix your pants there.." He said as he waved a finger in the direction of her exposed leg.

Alice gave a little scream and threw her leg into the jeans in a blink of an eye. "Sorry guys, I overreacted." Alice mumbled as she joined us on the couch. I gently patted her on the back.

"I know you are having a hard time Alice, but look at it this way, only 22 more hours to go." Somehow she wasn't soothed by my words.

"Can we do something please...I need a distraction or I'm just going to stare at the clock for the rest of the night." Emmett whined as he threw his head down into his hands.

Before jasper could sneak out and get dressed I shouted "Strip poker – House rules!" Edward had told me once about the house rules of strip poker which always gave the advantage to the person calling the game. Basically if strip poker with house rules was called, everyone in the room had to play and you could not leave the room to put on additional clothes. You played in whatever you were wearing.

Jasper got mad, really mad because he was half naked. "Bella, I'm not playing strip poker...I'm hardly wearing anything! That's not fair..."

It was Esme who spoke up and settled the argument that was about to start "Jasper, it is fair. Who was it again that came up with the ridiculous 'House rules' option anyway?" Here eyes went from Jasper to Alice immediately.

"That's not my fault, I did it because whenever we would want to play, Edward would always poke around in my head and then go bundle up like he was going on an Arctic expedition !" Alice whined.

Esme held up her hands for everyone to stop talking. "The game has been called, we are all playing and homework is still in effect. Emmett, I think you shouldn't sit right next to Rosalie, that might be a bit much. Bella, you still have to make Edward's decisions for him, so you decide what cards he keeps and which ones he discards. Oh, you also choose what clothing he takes off... I think we've covered everything right? Ok let the game begin!"

The boys moved the couches and coffee table out of the way to make a big open space on the floor for everyone to sit. I sat next to Edward so I could chose his cards for him. Esme sat between Emmett and Rose so Emmett would behave. Carlisle sat on the other side of Emmett, just in case. Alice and Jasper were still muttering about how unfair the game was.

The first few hands, we played fair. A pile of socks and sweaters was starting to form on the floor. Jasper was playing very cautiously, hardly staying in at all since he didn't have much clothing to lose. It was time to start phase one of the 'real' game so I gently touched Edward's thigh and gave it a squeeze. He looked over at me and smiled to tell me he understood the plan was beginning. It was time of Edward and I to get into a fight.

Edward started laughing to himself. All of the Cullen's were staring at him now, he never just broke out into random laughter, I think they were concerned for his mental health. "Edward dear, what is so funny?" Esme asked very sweetly, not wanting to upset him if he was having some kind of breakdown.

"Sorry everyone, Emmett just had a funny image pop into his head." Edward said as he regained control of himself. Emmett must have asked Edward a quick question because I saw a look pass between the two brothers and then Emmett started laughing now.

"I was just trying to do distract you a little Edward, no harm in trying." Emmett turned to a confused Jasper and said "Cat woman" And then they both looked at me. I felt my face turn three shades of red when Jasper joined Emmett's laughter.

Rose could see what was happening and decided to fuel the fire. "What about Cat woman Emmett?" Her voice was annoyed as she asked.

"On nothing Rose, just something I offered Edward during our session today." That caused all the boys, except Carlisle, to burst into laughter. All eyes were again on me. Rose put two and two together and shrieked "You offered to lend him my Cat woman costume for her? She wouldn't last five seconds in the boots alone!"

Emmett doubled over in laughter "I know, that's what made Edward laugh...I imagined her falling..."

I spun to face Edward "So you find that funny Edward? My falling down amuses you? So glad I could be the joke of your session today!" I sent out as much anger as I could so Jasper would buy it. Of course he didn't know I was thinking about how mad I was when he got Rose and I to kiss earlier...

"Bella, I didn't mean...it was just...funny...well..not funny, unexpected..." Edward stammered trying to get out of trouble.

"Alice deal the cards, we have a game to play." I said as I continued at glare at Edward. I could feel Jasper's amusement growing.

The next few hands I threw away any cards in Edward's hand that were higher than a ten. He discarded a pair of aces, three kings and a possible straight. Each time he would huff and puff and once he even shouted that I made him throw in a pair. When Edward 'decided' to stay in a hand with a jack high and lost, I made him take off his pants, which earned me a warning glance from Edward. It's all for the plan, it's all for the plan...I thought with a smirk on my face.

While Jasper continued to enjoy Edward's misery, he played his poker hands very cautiously, again , not wanting to make a mistake and lose his shirt or boxers.

We had to get Jasper to be a bit arrogant, so I decided to start bragging about my hand to Emmett, who then followed suit and doubled the pot and offered two items of clothing if his hand got beat. Soon, Rose and Carlisle took the bet, each claiming they had the best hand. The room, filled with bravado and our arrogance caused Jasper to finally stay in for a hand. The fish was nibbling on the hook, time to reel him in. What Jasper didn't know, was that I was holding an amazing hand, nearly impossible to beat.

Emmett laid down his massive pair of queens, that were immediately beat by Rosalie's three sixes. Carlisle laid down three nines proudly, until Jasper started grinning. "Feeling confident Jasper?" I asked. I was exuding as much confidence as I could, and I assumed the others were doing the same. If Jasper lost, he was naked if I lost, I still have five layers of clothes to go through before I would remotely show any skin. That thought alone make me more confident that anything.

"Yes, Bella, I am feeling very good about this hand. How are you feeling?" He asked.

"You tell me Jasper..." He looked deeply into my eyes and mumbled "HHHHHMMMMM very confident are you Bella?"

"Yep, pretty confident" My smile just grew as I answered him. Edward leaned over and looked at my cards. 'Are you sure you want to stay in Bella? Jasper hasn't gone in on a single hand today, he probably has something really good." He whispered to me, but we both knew everyone in the room was listening intently.

"I'm staying in, I definitely think I can beat Jasper!" I said even more arrogant than before. I'm sure Edward was beginning to feel as nervous as possible so Jasper would pick upon it and get sucked further into our plan.

Alice started fidgeting, I kept changing my mind about the strength of my hand. She knew something was up, seeing Edward with a tank top under his shirt and Emmett dressed in a similar fashion had already raised an eyebrow from her earlier. That's why I had to make Edward lose his pants.

"It's a set up Jazz! Don't show your hand!" Alice screamed. Her hand flailed around as she tried to grab the cards from Jasper who refused to give them up. In a matter of seconds, the two of them were wrestling around on the floor, "Damn it Jasper give me the bloody cards!" Alice screamed.

"No Alice, I have a good hand, I am not folding. I'm calling Bella's bluff." A wave of calm washed over all of us as he tried to pry tiny Alice off his arm so he could lay down his cards.

"Read 'em and weep Bella! Full house, Kings over tens." Jasper beamed. His eyes pierced into mine and I had to react immediately. I looked away from him and started to send myself into a bit of a panic attack to make Jasper feel even more confident before I showed my cards and crushed him. Somehow, I even managed to muster up tears.

_Ha and Edward said I can't act._ I thought to myself as a single tear cascaded down my cheek. Alice was watching me like a hawk, waiting for the slightest sign I was setting up Jasper. I looked over at Edward who sweetly said "Well, Bella what do you have?"

I let out a sigh and started to lay down my cards one at a time "I really don't have much, my highest card is this stupid seven of spades, everything else is smaller, look a six, five, four, and three. Oh did I mention they are all spades too?"

Jasper's mouth fell open "You have a straight flush? A straight stinking flush? No way...Edward cheated, he gave you some cards or something!" Jasper accused as he pointed his finger at the two of us.

"Really! I am offended at the accusation. Carlisle, did we do anything against the rules? Esme you are always the judge in these matters. Did Edward and I cheat?" I looked at Esme for support and a wide smile came across her face.

"Jasper I'm sorry, but they didn't cheat. You just got beat, badly...by a human I might add." Esme started laughing at her little joke.

"Come on Jasper! I told you they were setting you up. Edward and Emmett don't usually wear three pairs of socks and two tank tops under their shirts. Pay attention man! Now you have to get naked in front of the whole family. Let's get it over with, stand up and drop them." Alice said with absolutely no sympathy for her husband. I could tell she was annoyed with him for not listening to her warning, her arms were firmly crossed on her chest and a small pout was on her face as she looked at Jasper.

"Take it off, take it off" Emmett started chanting. Rosalie started humming some stripper music to get Jasper in the mood. Esme covered her eyes, not wanting to see Jasper's bare butt in her face. Edward was shaking with laughter, probably from seeing the thoughts flying through Jasper's head at this second. I, however, felt my cheeks start turning red when Jasper's eyes met mine.

Feeling my embarrassment, he made a quick move and decided to kick my blush into overdrive by sending waves of embarrassment throughout the house. In a matter of seconds, we were all so embarrassed we couldn't look each other in the eye and all our heads were hung down, our eyes fixed in our laps as we played with our fingers. Jasper chose that moment to whip off his shirt and drop his boxers. He stood in the center of the group for the required five seconds, but none of us saw anything because we were still feeling too much embarrassment to even look up and tease him. _Damn you Jasper..._

When I finally felt some relief from my embarrassment, it was too late. I whipped my head up only to see a shirtless Jasper scurrying up the stairs, Alice was running behind him and acting as a human shield so no one even got a glimpse of his naked rear as he retreated from the room.

"Coward!!" Edward shouted as they slammed their bedroom door.

I looked around at the rest of the family who were just as annoyed as I was with Jasper now. "Well that didn't go according to plan now did it?" I said sadly. My plan had failed, badly. Edward rubbed my back to make me feel better but it wasn't helping.

I glanced over at Rose who winked at me and very subtly tapped the side of her head to indicate she had an idea. I would have to wait until our bonding time at breakfast tomorrow to find out her plan to bring down Jasper. I could only imagine what she would do to him...

Esme took Rosalie into the kitchen with her. Carlisle went back into his office and I yawned . Before I knew it, I found myself in Edward's arms, being carried out of the family room. I heard Emmett sigh.

"Only 20 short hours to go! Shoot me now please..." Emmett groaned as Edward and I headed upstairs.

_**Hope you liked it... Bella gave it a shot, but Jasper got the better of her. Hopefully Rose will have a better plan up her sleeve... :) Thanks to jashaw for her help as always !!! Review and vote please...**_


	9. Dirty Little Secret

_The Real Alice Cullen, Arikatekiku and LGF these 2 chapters are dedicated to you guys for all the P.M.s that made this chapter go in this direction. Alice, I will still give you your wish, it just may need to wait until a couples session... See if you can guess what I was listening to while coming up with a title :)_

_**I own nothing. Stephenie Meyer is the owner of all things Twilight :) I just sent them to therapy.**_

**Dirty Little Secret**

**EPOV**

We were sitting downstairs, all still trying to figure out how Jasper had wiggled out of another revenge scheme. Bella was visibly sad at her failed attempt, but she and Rose were sharing a silent moment. From the look on Rosalie's face and the fact that her thoughts were blocked from me, she was up to something for sure.

Jasper's thoughts came to me in that moment. _Edward, Bella's going to pay for that little stunt you know...I hope Alice doesn't start to get romantic. Otherwise I might not be able to contain the love that will fill the air. Good luck avoiding that emotion brother. Trust me you'll thank me in the morning._

My head was then bombarded with thoughts of Alice...I shuddered and knew I only had a few minutes to act. Bella let out small yawn so I immediately swept her up in my arms and took her upstairs.

"What was that about Edward?" Bella asked with a confused look on her face.

"You looked tired so I ..." The words got caught in my throat when Bella raised an eyebrow at my.

"You decided...that's the word you are looking for, you decided to take me upstairs. What if I wasn't tired Edward? See that's why Dr. Dover wants you to let me decide everything ..." Her arms were folded across her chest, even annoyed she looked so cute sitting on my bed.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, really...Ok...go ahead, free decision...then we'll be even right?" I watched her reaction closely, not wanting her to be angry with me. I saw the corners of her mouth twitch and she relaxed.

"Good! HHMMM what should you decide..." Her smile made me nervous...

"You have decided you are going to sleep right next to me all night with no shirt on. And no matter what you cannot leave this bed understand?" She asked, waiting for my reaction.

I nodded in agreement, I thought she'd pick something much worse than that, just another reason why I love her so much. That's when I heard him again. _Oh boy, I wonder if Edward can feel this yet..._

Suddenly I did feel something in places I didn't want to, I knew Bella woulds start responding soon so I whipped off my shirt and swept her into bed with me, trying to get her to sleep as quickly as possible. She would never be able to resist all the lust Jasper was going to bombard the house with.

"My aren't we anxious to get into bed?" Bella giggled.

"Yes, love. I just want to spend the night being close to you. Is that a crime?" I gently kissed her lips.

"You know it is still pretty early Edward, I don't have to go to sleep just yet..." She trailed off suggestively. _Oh no, darn you Jasper ..._ I thought. _Now what?_ I felt her hands start to run through my hair and her body start to press even closer to mine. I had to act quickly.

"So Bella, what are the colors for our wedding?" I jumped into the one topic that I knew would be like a bucket of cold water to her. It worked. I felt her body tense at the question and she released her grasp on my hair.

"I have no idea Edward, ask Alice." She said with a sigh. I ruined the moment, perfect.

"Don't you think that is something you should choose, you are the bride?"

"I really don't care so I told her she should just pick." She moved farther away from me as I continued with the wedding assault.

"Hey, do you want to go register soon? We can pick out blenders, toasters, ice cream machines, china, stemware..." I could see her becoming visibly annoyed which broke my heart, but this was important.

"Edward, why in the world would we register for those things? When, after I am changed, are we ever going to use an ice cream maker? Is blood flavored ice cream all the rage in the vampire world?" She snapped. "You know what Edward, I'm tired. You just decided it was time for me to go to sleep, and you decided to sing my lullaby to help me sleep. Start humming!"

Perfect! I laid my head closer to hers as I started humming. All I could think about was how much I loved her and how close I wanted to be to her. She rolled over and pressed her head against my chest, closing any distance between us._ Fall asleep, Fall asleep._ I started chanting in my head as the waves of lust continued rolling into the room.

Halfway through her lullaby, I heard her gentle snores and knew she was safely asleep, and now, all I had to do was lie here, in bed with her, without my shirt, all night, while Jasper sent a barrel of lust through the house. This could easily be the longest night of my life!

A few hours later her sleep talking began. My hands were still clutching the comforter as I tried to stay in control of myself. Jasper had sent love, lust, passion, joy, and anger in a rotating assault. I never knew what was coming next, and neither did anyone else. When the wave of anger would roll through, I'd hear a loud crash and Emmett yelled "What the heck was that for Carlisle?" From his thoughts, I gathered Carlisle was having a hard time staying away from Esme, but he didn't dare leave Emmett alone during Jasper's romantic assault.

"Edward..." My angel whispered "Oh Edward..." it started turning into more of a moan and I stopped breathing. "Please Edward let me help you with that..." _Help me with what?_ I thought.

She let out a sigh and then started giggling. With her giggles, her body shook next to mine and it made me feel so...good. I wanted so badly to run to the other side of the room or lock myself in the bathroom, but I couldn't. Bella said I had to stay in bed with her no matter what. Then she started talking again.

"Oh stop it...wow you look really hot...Emmett" _What did she just say? Emmett?_ She was now fantasizing about Emmett?? I gasped in shock and grabbed my chest. Before I could think I heard her say "Jasper you big strong vampire...let's get you out of that shirt too..." The sultry sound of her voice was burned into my brain forever.

Before I could do anything, Bella sat straight up in bed and screamed " Oh my God I just had a dirty dream about you and your brothers!! My eyes...Edward my eyes.,...ew Jasper...oh god I took off his shirt and Emmett...ugh I can't even say what happened there! Ew..." Her body began shuddering violently, and even though I knew I should be upset, I started laughing hysterically.

The dream repulsed her...it was all from Jasper's meddling emotions. I was filled with relief. Then it started.

_Bella had a dirty dream?_ Esme thought

_Emmett was in her dream, I'll kill her!_ Rose snarled

_I bet she thought I was hotter than Edward._ Emmett bragged.

_Sorry Edward, I'll talk to Jasper about it, don't kill him._ Alice thought

_Ha Ha I told you not to mess with me Edward..._ Jasper gloated.

_At least she's repulsed, that's good right?_ Carlisle added.

"Bella love, calm down please, you are fine...it was all a bad dream." I said soothingly as I could.

"But UG, I touched Emmett...and he had no shirt on Edward..."

_Wow I was shirtless, I wonder what else I wasn't wearing ..._

I instinctively pressed my finger to her lips to stop her from saying anything more. She looked surprised by my behavior and waited for me to say something.

"Don't get upset Bella, but um, I think your forgot just how powerful vampire hearing is..." I could see her mind trying to decipher my words. Her eyes grew huge when it clicked she started shaking her head no, but I simply said "Sorry, love they heard everything you just said. Emmett is wondering if his shirt is the only thing he was missing..."

Her face turned scarlet and she started to hyperventilate. "Bella, calm down...Bella breathe, slowly" But she just wouldn't listen. I began to get panicky myself and I couldn't think clearly...Jasper again.

"Carlisle control him or I will!" I said loudly. Seconds later I heard a crash and the panic left my body completely, Bella however wasn't calming down. I did the only thing I could think of to help her to slow her breathing, I kissed her. My hands gently caressed her face as out lips met. Her breathing began to slow, and I felt her body relax into mine.

"Feeling better now?" I asked, as she composed herself.

"Nope, I need another kiss." She said as she tugged my shirt toward her. "And you decided to do what I asked since I was just traumatized by your brother."

"How could I say no to that argument?" When I leaned in to kiss her again, my door crashed open, nearly breaking the hinges. When I looked up, Emmett's goofy face was standing in the doorway.

"So Bella, tell me, now that you've fantasized about me with out a shirt...and Jasper too...which of us is the hottest...come on truthfully. Don't worry about hurting Edward's feelings."

Rosalie appeared next "I am going to try very hard not to freak out Bella, just tell me... was he naked in the dream?" Bella shrieked "Oh God no Rose, no, no, no!" I saw Rose relax her posture toward Bella in relief.

That made Rose happy, but Emmett looked truly disappointed. "Why did you say it like that Bella? Don't you want to take a peek at this perfect physique here in front of you?" He started reaching for the bottom of his shirt when Bella screamed and fell out of bed trying to hide her eyes.

Any anger Rose had been feeling toward Bella disappeared when she saw her reaction to the thought of seeing Emmett shirtless in the flesh. Alice and Jasper floated into the room in time so see Bella bury her face in the side of the bed.

"Emmett please remain clothed while you are in my room. Bella, love, come back into bed. They were all just leaving." I growled in the direction of my intruding family.

"Now Edward, if Emmett was shirtless, I need to know how much of Jazz Bella got a look at in this dream of hers!" Where Rose and been upset about Bella's dream, Alice was curious. And curious Alice, was at times worse than angry Rose.

"Tell me Bella, did Jasper have his shirt on or off?" Alice asked.

"Please don't make me say this Alice, I just want to go back to sleep and forget the whole thing ever happened." Bella whined. Alice began pouting around the room.

"Come one Bella, we heard you call him a big, strong vampire...which he totally is. But then you said let's get you out of that shirt...so I just want to know if you ever got him out of it before you woke up. I'm your friend Bella you can tell me...just forget he's my husband."

Bella looked at me and then I saw her eyes as she gave in to the inevitable. She opted for full disclosure to get it over with rather than having it drag on and on for days. I saw her take a deep breath and she began answering Alice's questions.

"I took his shirt off." Jasper covered his chest in false modesty. Emmett laughed.

"Did he look cute?"

"I though so in the dream." Emmett whistled.

"Did I look good?" Emmett asked.

"Again, I thought so but **only **in the dream." Bella mumbled, turning bright red.

"Come on, Bella, out of the three of us, who looked the best shirtless?" Emmett was slightly obsessed with that question.

"Edward." My love answered.

"You're just saying that because you love him." Jasper whined.

"No it's true. He is the only one of you I want to ever see shirtless again, so he looked best. Are we done?" Her voice was begging.

"For now..." Alice said as she took Jasper's hand and led him to the door. "Sweet dreams Bella" she said in her hypnotic vampire voice as they danced out the door.

"I'm way hotter than Edward..." I heard Emmett complain as he followed after them.

"See you in a few hours for breakfast Bella!" Rose said much happier that I expected.

"I don't suppose you have some secret vampire power you have been keeping from me that could make them forget everything that just happened in the last half hour do you?" Her eyes were so sincere, but I just sighed and said "I'm sorry Bella, they will remember this conversation for eternity."

"Stupid vampire memory..." She mumbled as she threw the covers over her head to sleep. I heard a muffled "If I say anything other than your name please hit me on the head with a shoe or something."

Bella slept peacefully for the next few hours until the door swung open, revealing a very chipper Rosalie and a large picnic basket "Good morning Bella, are you ready for some bonding time?" she asked in the kindest voice she has ever used when speaking to Bella. My mouth fell open in shock as she struggled for words "Um...yeah...sure Rose...just ...um can I have a minute and I'll meet you downstairs"

"No problem Bella. I'll be waiting." She smiled and gracefully exited the room.

"I'm a little scared Edward.." I just laughed. "Her thoughts were kind Bella, she's actually looking forward to it, if you can believe it."

Bella hopped out of the bed and hurried as fast as she could, I'm sure not wanting to ruin Rosalie's good mood by making her wait too long. As she was about to walk out the door she paused and turned to me. "Edward, you just decided what you are going to do while I'm gone."

"I did?" My eyes widened in surprise.

"Yes, you are going to play the piano the entire time I'm gone. And play your loudest pieces please..." She said quickly.

"Why my loudest pieces?" It was a strange request especially since most of the time I played my gentler pieces for her.

"Oh, I just want to make sure I can hear them in the yard on my picnic. You know how I love to listen to you play.." She said sweetly. I just had to go over to her and wrap my arms around her.

"I'll miss you while you're gone." I whispered in her ear as we walked down to meet Rosalie.

"Ready Bella?" Rose asked still clutching the picnic basket. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze for luck and started walking over to the piano as Bella had asked.

When my fingers hit the keys, I heard Bella say to Rose "Now I'm ready let's go!" And they disappeared out the front door.

_**So there it is. Thoughts?? I am going to close the poll and put up the top five vote getters for a final showdown for 'Best Line by Edward in Twilight' It will only be up for 24 hours...so get voting :) And as always... review!!**_

_**PS : My Favorite line "Someone must spread the good news we survived." only got one vote and it wasn't mine...so to the other person out there who voted for it...YOU ROCK:)**_


	10. Love is in the Air

_**I own nothing. Stephenie Meyer is the owner of all things Twilight. I just drove them to therapy.**_

_Yep- 2 chapters at once :) You aren't dreaming._

**Love is in the Air**

**BPOV**

Rose led me to a secluded spot in the back of yard. She had a blanket already spread out on the ground in the shade. She strolled over and set the picnic basket in the center of the blanket and waved me over with her hand. "Come sit with me Bella."

I cautiously sat down and felt my hands trembling, I couldn't stand the suspense any more I had to ask "Rose and you going to kill me for having that dream about Emmett ? I swear it wasn't my fault and I am totally horrified by it, I just..."

"Bella, it was all Jasper's doing I know that. Poor Esme had to pin me to the wall most of the night to keep me from running off to Emmett and I'm a vampire. His emotions affect humans much stronger, so there was nothing you could do. I blame him completely. That's why we are going to set my little plan in motion soon, and truthfully, your dream just makes things even easier..." She said, pausing to think about something.

I looked over and rose had pulled a bowl of fruit, waffles, and orange juice out of the basket and was arranging it all on a plate for me. It smelled so good. "Wow Rose thank you, it looks like you went to a lot of trouble." I smiled appreciatively at her.

"I really am trying to make an effort Bella, I know you love Edward and he loves you, and if we manage to get some revenge on Jasper, I will love you too!" She teased as she held out the plate of food to me.

Everything tasted delicious. Esme must have helped her pull this off but I was truly touched by the gesture. As I ate the fruit I could faintly hear Edward's piano in the background, it made me smile. The last piece of fruit crossed my lips when Rose grabbed the plate from my hand and leaned in "Ok, now that you're done eating, time to plan our revenge."

She spent the next ten minutes laying out a strategy to get Jasper into big trouble with Carlisle, since he was the only person Jasper was truly afraid of. Some parts of the plan had me terrified to put it mildly, and some made me blush.

"So Bella what do you think" Rosalie asked wide eyed awaiting my response.

"I think we have to tell Edward what is going on, otherwise he might...overreact, just a little bit." That got a laugh from Rose.

"Yeah, he just might kill one of them that wouldn't be good. I'll tell Edward when we get in the house." She tapped the side of her head to let me know it would be a silent conversation so no one else would find out. "But you need to make him go along with it because he won't like the plan, he has no sense of adventure."

"I can take care of Edward, he isn't allowed to decide anything on his own...What about Emmett, do you want to tell him what I'm going to do?" I assumed she wanted him informed so he didn't do anything rash like Edward, but the grin on her face told me otherwise.

"No, let's keep him in the dark for the first part, He enjoyed the fact that you had a dream about him way too much. He deserves to feel a little uncomfortable." Rose snickered. "Are you ready?" she asked as she stood up and offered me her hand. I placed my hand in hers as she gently pulled me to my feet.

"Let the games begin." I said as I gave her shoulder a little hug.

We came around the side of the house and when we saw the driveway we both froze. Five UPS, Mail and fed Ex trucks were sitting in the driveway unloading box after box onto the front porch. We looked at each other, laughed and said in unison "Alice!"

"Alice! Why does the front porch look like a UPS sorting station?" I asked loudly. Alice's squeal came from upstairs and continued down as the little pixie flew past us to the porch.

As soon as Edward heard my voice he stopped playing and opened his arms to me. I skipped over to him and curled up next to him on the piano bench.

"How was your picnic?" He asked sweetly as he kissed my hair.

"Fun, oh Rose has something to tell you and you have decided to go along with it, got it?" I said as I felt his body tense at my words. I looked over at Rose and could tell she had started laying things out for him. When I looked up he was just shaking his head no over and over.

"Go with the flow Edward." Rose snapped "Bella has already decided for you."

The argument was interrupted by Alice flying around the family room. "What is she doing?" I whispered to Edward.

He stifled a laugh, "Just watch Bella, you have to see this for yourself."

Very systematically, Alice started opening the boxes and arranging the contents onto the dining room table. She cleared off a set of nearby shelves and began stacking clothes on them. In ten short minutes, Alice had created her own store in the Cullen's dining room and hallway, complete with her own full length mirror and partition divider. I stared unbelieving, she had made a dressing room.

She spent the next 45 minutes 'shopping' through the house. She must have ordered clothes she would never wear just so she could scoff at them and say how ugly they were. She also got multiple sizes so when she would try something on and it wouldn't fit right she could keep searching for the correct size. We watched in horrified amazement and Jasper just watched from the couch in stunned silence.

She finally put her 'purchases' in a shopping bag that she had probably found in her closet and skipped upstairs happily, "Jazz, I just got back from shopping, I'm going to run upstairs and reorganize the closet again. I'll be back in a bit."

"Simulated shopping isn't going against the rules of homework?" I asked Carlisle with a questioning look in my eyes.

He simply shrugged his shoulders. "Bella, there is only so much I can do."

I could feel Jasper's irritation flood the room, "She's doing her best Bella. This is very hard for her you know."

"I know Jasper, I was just asking! Thanks for all the irritation though, that's a lot of fun.." I snapped back to him.

"I didn't hear you complaining about my emotions when my lust made you have dirty dreams about us last night!" He shot back.

I felt him change his emotions immediately and now the room was filled with regret. "I'm sorry I made fun of Alice, Jasper." I said apologetically.

"I'm sorry I laughed at her before too." Emmett added sadly.

"Thanks guys. I'm sorry, I've just been trying so hard to keep her calm, that I feel completely emotionally spent. Forgive me?" He asked sweetly.

"Of course I forgive you Jasper. How could I stay mad at you when you are filling the room with all this happiness?" I teased. Overcome with emotion, Emmett ran over and hugged him,

"I better go check on her." Jasper said softly before heading upstairs.

"Hey Edward, I wanted to talk to you about getting some more power under the hood of the Volvo. Can you join me in the garage?" Rose's suggestion was the signal to launch the plan into action.

"Edward decided he will join you Rosalie. Have fun..." I waved as Edward shot me an apprehensive look but he grudgingly followed Rose.

I went over to the couch where Emmett was sitting and flopped down next to him."Hi Emmett. How are you holding up?" I asked with concern.

"Seven more hours right? I can make it as long as Jasper backs off a little bit. Hopefully Alice's little freak out will occupy him and make him put a cap on all that lust he was sending at me last night." Emmett grumbled.

That was just the segway I needed to launch Rosalie's plan into motion. _Forgive me Edward... was_ all I could think as I moved closer to Emmett.

I let out a huge, fake yawn and leaned onto Emmett's side. He chuckled and raised his arms up so I could snuggle up next to him and then draped it across my shoulders.

"Tired Bella? I guess you really didn't get a good night's sleep with all those dreams you were having and all." Emmett teased.

"Oh, yeah. Those dreams definitely kept me awake last night." I purred into his side. I snaked my arm across his stomach as I laid there in his arms. I immediately felt his body tense.

"Um...well it was just a dream and all Bella, you know...no big deal." He stammered. The plan was working.

I pulled my head away from his side and asked innocently "Emmett, can you keep a secret?"

Happy I wasn't attached to his hip, literally, he relaxed a bit "Sure Bella, I am a great secret-keeper!" He said enthusiastically.

"Want to hear my secret?" I asked playfully.

"Sure!" He said. It was now or never, and I had to keep a straight face. I pulled myself up onto my knees and leaned over him putting my lips right up to his ear. He stopped breathing as I leaned in and whispered in the sexiest voice I could muster "You looked really hot in my dream Emmett. I think even a bit hotter than Edward if I'm being completely truthful."

The next thing I knew my face was crashing into the couch cushions, because Emmett had disappeared from under me.

"HELP!! SOMEONE HELP!!" Emmett started screaming. I saw Jasper on the top of the stairs and Carlisle came running in from the office.

"Emmett what in the world is wrong?" Carlisle demanded. Edward and Rose appeared in the corner of the room, Rose was biting her lip to keep from laughing and Edward looked ill.

Emmett held out a shaking finger in my direction "Sh...She just...I think...Bella just came onto me!"

Carlisle's eyes immediately went over to Jasper on the stairs. "Jasper, I thought we had a talk about this! You can't keep doing this to Bella!"

"What? I didn't do anything!" Jasper gasped.

Carlisle gave him a warning glare "Behave Jasper...behave!"

Jasper threw his arms into the air in frustration and went back to his room. I could hear Alice screaming about needing more hangers.

Rose came over to me and Emmett jumped in between us "Rose baby, come on, don't hurt her. She just couldn't control herself around me after that dream. It's all Jasper's fault, let it go."

Edward rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. "Get a grip Emmett, she was acting." I could no longer contain my laughter.

"Sorry Emmett, you were a pawn in the plan to bring down Jasper." He looked to Rose who smiled and nodded her head.

"That's what you get for being so happy Bella had a dirty dream about you Em. Be happy I didn't take out my anger on your Jeep."

"Oh thank God! That was freaky Bella, don't ever hit on me again okay, I don't think my heart could handle it...I need to shower I feel all dirty." Emmett mumbled as he walked off alone.

"Well done Bella, lets move onto the next phase of the plan." Rose said excitedly. We had to be patient and wait for Jasper to come back downstairs before we could begin. Edward went off and found Emmett and the two of them headed off into the woods so Edward could tell him the final phase of the plan.

Rose and I were sitting in the family room when Jasper finally came downstairs looking exhausted. Alice flew past us, 'purchased' a few more items from the 'store' and ran back upstairs to her room to continue to live in her own fantasy world.

"How are you holding up Jasper?" Rose asked kindly as she flipped through her magazine.

"Six hours, nine minutes, and thirty nine seconds until she can shop again...but who's counting." He mumbled as he sat in the chair, laying his head back and closing his eyes.

Rose winked at me and started asking me questions. "So Bella, tell me more about this dream of yours.."

"Rose do we really need to talk about it again? I told you guys everything." I said as I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. Jasper kept his eyes closed, like he wasn't listening. I thought of the most embarrassing moment of my life and let the blush flow into my cheeks.

"But I mean honestly it must have been a really hot dream." My mind went to a vision of a shirtless Edward pressed against my body and I allowed my feelings of lust to grow. Jasper twitched.

"No, it wasn't that great really." Now, Jasper thought I was lying.

"Did you think Emmett looked hot?" I thought of an eye surgery I saw on TV once and felt repulsed, Jasper started smiling.

"He looked nice Rose, that's all I can say." Jasper was hanging on every word now and Rose could see it too.

"What about good old Jasper there, I bet he wants to know what you thought of him." Rose said barely keeping her voice steady.

I closed my eyes and thought about the first time I kissed Edward, and let the passion and love I felt fill my entire body. The emotion hit Jasper so strong he fell back out of the chair with a loud thud. He was convinced those feelings were about him...

Emmett and Edward walked in right at that moment. "Jasper man are you okay? What happened?"

Jasper looked like he saw a ghost when he heard Edward's voice. "Nothing, I just fell... going to go help Alice...bye!" and he scurried upstairs in a flash.

"I don't even want to know." Edward mumbled as he came and sat next to me on the couch. "Are we almost done with this whole thing?"

"Almost. Emmett baby are you ready to put on a show?" Rose asked in her sweetest voice that could get Emmett to do anything.

"It's kinda weird and really uncomfortable Rose. She shot him her sweetest smile. "Come on, Em it will be fun."

"Well if you guys think it will work, I'll give it a shot. Just don't let Carlisle kill me please..." Emmett's was extremely concerned.

Esme came out of Carlisle's office a few moments later. Rose grabbed her arm and dragged her into the backyard, now the new family meeting spot to tell her the plan. For this to work having Esme be surprised wouldn't be a good idea.

Edward hugged me tightly while they were gone. "So are you having fun yet?"

"Actually I am. This plan is the best bonding activity Rosalie could have come up with!" I answered with excitement. Edward looked baffled by my enthusiasm.

"You girls really get into these little plans of yours..." He mumbled as he kissed my neck.

"Hello, Brother not allowed to have sex standing right here...can you get your lips off her neck please?" Emmett growled from the corner of the room.

'Sorry Emmett, just trying to get you in the mood for your part..." I giggled. Emmett and Edward both shuddered at the thought.

"Not funny Bella." Emmett said.

Rose and Esme were back from the yard and Esme didn't look nearly as angry as I expected. As a matter of fact, she looked excited to be in on the plan. Edward chuckled quietly, her thoughts were amusing to him. She winked at Emmett who's eyes got huge as he started pacing silently back and forth.

Sensing his apprehension, Rose walked toward Emmett and said "Don't move." She put her mouth up to his ear and whispered something at vampire speed. Edward cringed either because he heard what she said or saw the image it conjured up in Emmett's head. Either way I assumed she was telling him how he would be rewarded for his participation in her plan.

With new motivation, Emmett grinned, took a deep breath and headed into the kitchen after Esme. Rose nodded her head at me and I said to Edward "what in the world is going on with Emmett and Esme?" Knowing it would have two effects. First being Carlisle would catch it, but not think anything of it and second, it would peek Jasper's curiosity. Like clockwork, I heard Jasper come up behind us and say "So, what is going on?"

Edward pointed over to the kitchen where Emmett was leaning back against the counter next to Esme as she washed the dishes from my picnic with Rosalie. While she was looking down in the sink, her hair fell over her shoulder and Emmett leaned over and brushed it back behind her ear. Esme stopped scrubbing the soapy dish and smiled at him. His hand move from the side of her head to her shoulders. We heard Esme moan when he touched her which made everyone in the room jump up and run over for a closer look. Emmett had moved behind her and was massaging her shoulders.

I threw my hand over my mouth at the sight before me. Jasper's face was priceless as he stared at them in disbelief. I could sense him trying to get a feel for everyone's emotions but Emmett and Esme must be selling this one well because he was completely buying it. "Look, he's hitting on Esme!" Jasper said quietly. Edward was chuckling because I was sure Esme and Emmett's thoughts were hilarious right now. But unexpectedly, his head snapped toward the study, he must have heard Carlisle's thoughts which were probably murderous when he heard what Jasper had said.

Carlisle flew into the room and stopped in the center of the kitchen. Esme dropped the dish she had been scrubbing into the sink in surprise. Emmett jumped ten feet away from Esme. Rose and Edward exchanged a frightened glance and I immediately looked down at me feet, not wanting to see the rage in his eyes.

"Jasper..." Carlisle hissed.

I waited for the rest of his reaction, but it never came. I looked up and was surprised to see him still glaring at Jasper. Without a word, he walked over to the phone and dialed. "Hello. Yes this is Carlisle Cullen. I'm sorry to bother you over the weekend Dr. Dover, but we need an emergency session, my son was hitting on my wife, my daughter in law seems to be is hitting on her brother in laws after a dream she had last night, and Alice is hallucinating that she is shopping in her own bedroom. Yes. Fine we'll see you in thirty minutes. Thank You."

He snapped the phone shut and turned to all of us "Get yourselves in the cars, we're going in for an emergency session with the doctor. Emmett, you ride with Edward and Bella so I don't kill you. Jasper get your loony wife down here, tell her you're taking her to the mall but she's going even if we have to carry her into the office kicking and screaming. And if I feel a single emotion, other than peace and tranquility from you, I will ask Dr. Dover about a lobotomy for you. Rosalie Hale, you will come with Esme and I, I have some questions for you young lady..."

**_Well...what did you think? Rose did a pretty good job...Jasper took the fall for all the crazy things that happened. Dr. Dover will return in the next chapter..._**

**_Go vote on my profile for the poll...it's only up a short time The final showdown for Favorite line by Edward in Twilight. And as always...review!_**


	11. Cat's out of the Bag

_The final Poll winner was...drumroll please...'Afraid of a needle, Oh but a sadistic vampire intent on tourturing her to death, no problem, she runs off and meets him, but an IV' I will try and get another poll up soon**... Enjoy Mrs. Dover's name...**_

**_I own nothing except the amazing Dr. Ben Dover and his lovely wife Eileen Dover. Stephenie Meyer is the owner of all things Twilight!_**

****

**_NEW POLL ON PROFILE!!! _**

**Cat's out of the Bag**

**Dr. Dover POV**

"Do you think you need to see me right away? OK, give me at least thirty minutes to get to the office please. See you there Carlisle." I hung up the phone and heard my wife's loud sigh from behind me.

"Benjamin Dover you are NOT going into work on your day off. Call whoever that was back, and tell them too bad!" My wife Eileen was furious. We had planned on going to a pottery class this afternoon, and now with this call from the Cullen's our plans were ruined.

"Eileen, please listen, that was Dr. Cullen on the phone. He has been at the hospital for a long time and it was a very difficult decision for him to bring his family to therapy in the first place and believe me these kids do need help...if you only knew the issues they were dealing with..." I trailed off not wanting to breach doctor patient privilege, but wanting her to understand that this was very important.

"Fine, go save the world one nut job at a time! I will be at my pottery class." She whipped her purse off the back of the chair and stormed out of the house.

"She took that well..." I mumbled as I picked up my keys and headed into the office.

When I walked in to the office Stephenie was sprawled out across her desk asleep. "Um, Stephenie? Hello?" Her head popped up immediately at the sound of my voice.

"Dr. Dover! What are you doing here? It's your day off..." Her voice was hoarse, as she smoothed her hair down and gave her cheeks a little slap to wake herself up.

"Dr. Cullen called. He and his family are coming in for an emergency session...it sounds like things haven't been going well since they left yesterday." I dug through a file cabinet for their chart and excused myself to my office so I could have a moment to collect my thoughts before they arrived.

I ran through the phone call again in my head and scribbled some quick notes:

Son hitting on wife – probably Emmett the sex addict- did Esme respond??

Future daughter in law (Bella) having erotic dreams about Emmett and Jasper... side effect from lack of fulfilling sex life with Edward.

Alice hallucinating shopping...withdrawal symptom...possible medication needed.

_How did all this happen in 19 short hours_? I thought to myself._ I wonder if I have enough tranquilizers handy if I need them..._

There was a quick knock at the door. "Come in"

Stephenie stuck her head in "Dr. Dover, I just thought you'd like to know that most of the Cullens are here...two of them however, are missing." Shae said glancing back out the door.

"OK Stephenie well, when the last two arrive we can start..." I started to say, but Stephenie interrupted me "Um, Dr. Dover, it might be a while until the others show up...apparently there is a bit of a situation right now."

"What kind of situation?" I rose up from my seat and started following her down the hall to the waiting room.

"Carlisle!" I said extending my hand to Dr. Cullen who looked more stressed than I had ever seen him.

"Ben, thanks so much for seeing us today. I apologize for bringing you in on your day off, but I didn't know what else to do..." His voice trailed off as he shook his head and looked helplessly at his wife.

"Who are we still waiting on?" I asked as I scanned the room.

"Alice and Jasper, they are here but they are just being ... delayed." Esme said quietly as she placed her hand upon Carlisle's arm to get him to sit down with her.

"Delayed? Actually, Dr. Dover, I got a call from the gift shop, Alice I think her name is, well she is refusing to leave and is accosting the other shoppers. The blond guy is with her trying to get her out, but she has climbed to the top of one of the shelves and won't come down but security is on their way..." Stephenie explained with great enthusiasm.

"Edward, Emmett, please go get your sister" Carlisle commanded. Both boys immediately exited the office and about twenty seconds later Carlisle's phone rang. When he picked it up all you could hear was someone screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" he closed the phone shut and smiled up at me.

"They are on their way. Shall we wait in the conference room?" Carlisle stood up and offered Esme his hand. "Girls, please come with us." Bella and Rosalie nodded and followed him into the conference room. Stephenie offered them something to drink, but they all refused.

There was a loud crashing sound in the hall outside my office and I heard male voices cursing. The office door flew open and in walked Jasper and Emmett carrying Alice. Jasper had her feet and Emmett had her arms and Alice thrashed wildly until she saw me looking at her in horror. Then she settled down and smiled.

"Good afternoon Dr. Dover. How are you today? I just want you to know for the record, I didn't purchase a single thing, I was merely window shopping before I was forcefully removed from the gift shop, which I believe wasn't against the homework you assigned. Would you please tell them..." But I never heard the end of her argument because her brothers continued walking her into the conference room where I eventually heard a small thud.

Edward smiled and said "For someone so small, she's amazingly strong."

Before I walked into the conference room after them, I grabbed one extra notepad, I had a feeling I was going to need it. I composed myself, gave a last glance over to Stephenie and walked into the room.

The Cullen's all sat silently in the conference room. I notice Alice was seated between Jasper and Emmett who had his arms wrapped around the back of her chair. He looked ready to pounce if she so much as moved. All eyes turned to me as I sat down in my chair back at the head of the table. I fumbled with my notebook and clicked the pen open nervously.

I decided to ask the question that started it all last time "So where should we begin?" Last time when I asked this question, all fingers pointed to Edward, but this time they all pointed at Jasper except Jasper who was pointing at a shocked Bella. He looked around the room and groaned. Edward grinned mischievously.

"I was just doing what Dr. Dover instructed me to do. Will you all stop ganging up on me please?" I could see and feel Jasper's frustration. All of his family members rolled their eyes including Carlisle and Esme. I swore I heard Carlisle hiss under his breath "Peace and tranquility Jasper, peace and tranquility."

As soon as he said that, inexplicably, I was filled with a sense of peace. _Probably just reading Jasper's body language_ I thought to myself.

"Well can someone tell me what Jasper has done that has you all so upset with him?" Bella started blushing immediately, Emmett just shot Jasper a dirty look, Edward ignored him completely and Rosalie who said very little in our last session, half jumped out of her chair pointing at Jasper.

"He has been torturing poor Emmett. He has tried so hard to be good, but Jasper has to go and... aggravate everything."

"Explain what you mean Rosalie." I prodded as I jotted notes. _Again she's defending Emmett..._

"Well, it's just that Jasper can be so charismatic sometimes, actually always. If Jasper is happy, we all are happy. If he is angry, we all get mad. If he feels...um...in the mood...oh crap if he feels horny, then we all can feel it and it has away of... rubbing off on us!" Rose was utterly frustrated when she got done speaking.

Emmett however began snickering "That really sounded dirty Rose...Jasper rubbing off on us when he's horny...HA!" Rosalie's eyes were furious.

"How dare you Emmett Cullen! How dare you! After I spent all night locked in a room with Esme keeping watch over me just to make it easier for you to go 24 hours without sex, and this is the thanks I get?"

_Rosalie was locked up so Emmett would be able to not have sex? Why would that help unless..._

"Rosalie why would you being locked in a room with Esme help Emmett with his homework?" I asked quickly hoping the question would catch her off guard and get her to spill a little more information.

"Why? Because the guy can't keep his hands off of me most of the time and add to that the Jasper 'heating things up' problem it was all we had left to do!" She half shouted, her face livid. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward slip Jasper some money, Bella blushed, and Carlisle slapped himself on the forehead.

"So you and Emmett..." I began

"Yes, Emmett and I Dr. Dover. And stop looking at me that way, Alice and Jasper are sleeping together too!"

_Holy Crap! All the Cullen kids are having sex with each other, except Edward that is, and he has the only girlfriend who isn't a sibling! How crazy is that... _I quickly composed myself.

"What about Ruby?" I asked confused.

"Ruby is some dirty slut Emmett made up so you wouldn't find out about us." Emmett shifted uncomfortably in his chair and winced as he looked up at Rosalie. I turned my attention to Carlisle who remained unnaturally composed at such a disquieting revelation.

"Carlisle from your reaction, I am going to assume none of this is news to you?" It was half question, half statement.

"We have no secrets in our family." He said quietly. Esme gently patted his hand in support.

_OH my gosh, don't freak out...keep it together Ben. They aren't blood relatives, so it isn't really incest...just freaky. I wonder how long it has been going on..._

"If I may ask, Rose how long have you and Emmett...been together?"

She looked at me with fire in her eyes "Since the moment I first laid eyes on him. I have loved him as long as I have known him." I could feel the intensity of her love for him in that moment.

_Quick mental math...so since they were in their early teens...love at first sight? I guess it's possible._

"And Alice and Jasper, how long for you guys?"

Alice smiled "I loved him before I even met him. And the first time we met, I told him he was going to fall in love with me and he did!" Jasper looked over at her lovingly and squeezed her small hand.

_Why am I feeling happy right now? This is totally insane, and yet I am filled with...happiness...and love. Well I guess you can't help who you love..._

"OK, well I thank you for your honesty about your relationships...I think we can explore all this later in some couples sessions...um back to what brought you in today...Alice would you like to share what has been going on with you?" I asked as I flipped to a fresh sheet of paper.

"Well doctor, I really don't know what the problem is. I have done nothing to violate the restrictions your homework put on me. They are all just overreacting.." Alice said as she casually waved her hand at everyone and continued flipping through a catalog furiously circling items.

Edward laughed. "Doctor she turned our dining room in to a mini mall, and then spent the morning 'shopping'."

"Where did she get the items for this mall?" I asked. _She probably emptied a dresser..._

"I bought everything before 7pm last night and had it shipped overnight , please give me some credit." Still, her face was pressed to the catalog.

_OK, this is getting scary.._..

"Alice, can I have the magazine please?" A growl erupted from Alice as I reached my hand out to slide the magazine away from her. Emmett's arm instantly restrained her and Jasper jumped to his feet and leaned over to me "Just let her keep the damn magazine, okay?"

_He wasn't threatening, he was pleading. Did she just growl at me? What is going on with these people??? Who growls?_

All my anxiety about Alice's behavior left and was replaced with peace and tranquility. "Fine Alice, you go ahead and read. I actually have a question for Carlisle. When you called before, you said your son hit on your wife...I assume that was Emmett right?" Carlisle nodded and glanced over at Emmett who hung his head in embarrassment. Esme however looked over at Rosalie and winked.

_Did she enjoy having Emmett hit on her? And why did she wink at Rose???? Are they..sharing Emmett... I shuddered at the thoughts running through my head._

"Emmett, do you care to explain what happened?" His eyes went to Edward who gave his head a slight tilt to the left.

"Doctor, I would rather discuss that in private, during my session with Roselie if that is alright?" He sounded very sincere.

"I can understand that Emmett, that would be fine. I guess that leaves the only other reason for this meeting we still need to discuss is...well you and your dream Bella." I turned to face her and saw two terrified brown eyes looking up at me. Her cheeks again turned red and she bowed her head down so her face was hidden behind her hair. Edward reached around her and caressed her back, the whole time looking amused.

_Why is he so amused about her having erotic dreams about his brothers...Oh god, they aren't all like swingers or something...If that's the case I'm out of here..._

"Can you tell me about the dream Bella?" I asked softly, not wanting to embarrass her even more.

Her head shook 'no' in response and eventfully her head hit the table in embarrassment.

"I can tell you all about it doc!" Emmett volunteered happily. "Bella sleep talks, so actually we all heard it."

"Shut up Emmett" Bella's voice was muffled by her arms. She slowly raised her head and said "Let's just get this over with please...then can we promise to never speak of it again?" She looked around at the other Cullens. Edward was giving each of them a fierce look, daring them to disagree with her. Grudgingly they all nodded yes.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes to make it easier to get the words out without looking at the people around her. "So in the dream, I was in the meadow with Edward and we were...getting romantic...just kill me now please...anyway...he was touching me and then I don't know what happened, but Emmett came over and he was there...doing stuff..." She banged her head on the table again. Emmett took the pause to jump in..

"And I had no shirt on, she left that part out, I looked hot with no shirt...go on Bella, tell him the rest...and don't leave anything out. We want details.." Rosalie smacked him so hard in the back of the head I thought he might pass out, but he just winced and quieted down.

Bella raised her even redder face up and glared at Emmett "Fine you had no shirt on, god how I wish I could forget that image...anyway, then this stuff happened and Jasper comes out of nowhere and I...I offered...Edward please don't make me say it..." she looked at him with pleading eyes.

_He is really taking this well, I would have thought he would be in a jealous rage, but he's not, he's amused._

"She called him a big strong,...guy and wanted to get him out of his shirt." Edward said matter of factly.

Jasper and Emmett exchanged some look as if sizing each other up. "Bella, how did the dream make you feel?" I asked getting back on topic.

"Dirty, very dirty and not in a sexual way in a 'I am revolted to the point of vomiting' kind of dirty." her hand went to Edward's for support.

"Come on Bella, you liked the dream, you even admitted it. You said in the dream you thought we were hot." Emmett said proudly.

"In the dream Emmett, but do you remember what happened when I woke up? I screamed... a lot!" Bella's embarrassment was being replaced by frustration. "And the fact that you guys keep asking me who I thought looked the best shirtless isn't helping!"

"Bella, have you tried just answering Emmett's question?" I asked.

She turned to look at me incredulously "Yes...as a matter of fact I did, but he won't listen. I told him Edward." Both Emmett and Jasper scoffed at her answer.

"And I take it you gentlemen think she is lying?" I asked with raised eye brows.

"Totally"

"Absolutely"

"She's being completely truthful."

"Can't we just drop this guys? I know you are all competitive, but this is crazy." Bella begged. She was obviously being tortured by the constant questioning. I got an idea...

_They'll never do it, and the mere suggestion may be enough to make them so uncomfortable they'd drop the subject forever. It was worth a try. A bit of reverse psychology..._

"Emmett, Jasper and Edward...could you please stand up?" I asked quite seriously. They all slowly stood up from their chairs and exchanged glances. The girls and Carlisle looked at each other nervously.

"We are going to settle this once and for all so this issue can be put to rest, and Bella won't be asked again. Gentlemen, go stand along the wall, and please remove your shirts." I picked up the phone "Stephenie can you please come in here for a minute."

_**Hope you liked the chapter! What will Stephenie say? Who will she choose? Will Emmett cry? As always...review please!**_


	12. Yummy!

_**I own nothing! Stephenie Meyer owns all things TWILIGHT, I just drove them to therapy.**_

So the big pose down chapter! The winner will be announced at the end. I was going to leave it a cliffie, even jashaw will be surprised because I decided after she read the chapter, but I chose to be nice and end the suspense, even though I know you will all have an opinion on the result. Read my note at the end and then review/complain if you want ;) New poll is up!

"_Emmett, Jasper and Edward...could you please stand up?" I asked quite seriously. They all slowly stood up from their chairs and exchanged glances. The girls and Carlisle looked at each other nervously. _

"_We are going to settle this once and for all so this issue can be put to rest, and Bella won't be asked again. Gentlemen, go stand along the wall, and please remove your shirts." I picked up the phone "Stephenie can you please come in here for a minute."_

**YUMMY!**

**CPOV**

My ears couldn't believe what I just heard. I glanced over at Esme whose eyes were huge with fear. I heard Bella gasp while Alice and Rosalie snickered.

_I knew I should have checked this guys references...that better be a real medical license on the wall and not one he made on his computer..._I fumed. _This is going to end badly, no good could come from this._

"Dr. Dover...isn't there another way..." I begged, trying to spare my sons, and daughters for that matter, from this humiliation.

"Carlisle, if they aren't going to drop the subject, then I feel we need to settle this for all their sakes."

_Idiot. _I thought. Edward of course started laughing _Get out of my head Edward...or I can scar you for life with a thought or two.._

Immediately Edward winced and stifled his laughter. Dr Dover held his hand up to the wall and all three boys got up from their chairs and stood against the wall as instructed.

Emmett was grinning from ear to ear. Edward stood there stone faced and completely stubborn, his jaw clenched. Jasper kept glancing at Alice nervously, his panic starting to fill the room. Bella looked like she was going to run for the door, Rose and Alice looked like they might kill someone.

I glared at Jasper who realized what was happening, and the feelings of calm came back to the room. At that moment I heard a knock on the door and Stephenie stuck her head into the room.

"Yes Dr. Dover? You called..." She looked nervously around the room and stopped when she saw the boys.

"Come in Stephenie. I think we might need your help for this." Dr Dover extended his hand toward a chair near his. Stephenie was utterly confused as she sat down staring at the Doctor.

"We are going to do a little exercise. Gentlemen please take your shirts off." The words came out of his mouth and the next thing I knew, I heard a rip and the clicking sound of buttons bouncing all over the floor. Emmett, of course felt the need to be dramatic in his shirt removal, his bare chest now exposed for all the world to see. Rosalie sat up a bit a taller in her chair at the vision of her husband. Bella covered her eyes.

Edward conversely, folded his arms tightly across his chest and simply glared at Dr. Dover. "Edward, what is the problem?" Dr. Dover asked seeing his reluctance.

"This is absurd! I am not going to take my shirt off to be gawked at. I bow out of the competition and happily take the third place trophy, let these two fight it out." He growled as he took a step back toward the table. Much to my surprise, Bella was on her feet suddenly pointing back to the wall.

"Edward, I believe it is my job to decide if you will or will not participate in this competition and I say you have decided to compete, please take your shirt off." I was impressed with the way she stood up to Edward. He however, looked completely stunned that Bella would do that to him. Still on her feet, she asked Dr. Dover if she could speak to Edward for a moment. He graciously allowed her to join him at the wall.

With my vampire hearing I could listen to their quiet conversation. "Edward, just do this please...I don't want Emmett ripping his shirt off every time I come over for the rest of my life, which will be really long. Please for me?" She begged. I knew Edward would agree, he cannot refuse her anything. All it took was him rolling his eyes for her to know she had won. Her arms went around his neck and she began kissing him with all her human might.

For a few seconds, they forgot we were in the room. _Edward...earth to Edward, there are 8 people here staring at you_. He started smiling and gently separated Bella from himself. She pouted and headed back to the table.

With as much dignity as one could have while being forced to strip, Edward went back to the wall and began unbuttoning his shirt, never taking his eyes off of Bella. Esme leaned over to me "Bella may faint. Do you have smelling salts on you? Uh Oh look at Stephenie, she may need them first."

When Emmett ripped his shirt off, her mouth had fallen open and her breathing stopped for a short time but when Edward started unbuttoning his shirt, her breathing picked up into an almost panting rate. Edward of course was trying to dazzle Bella, but I think he was missing his mark by a chair or two...Stephenie was beginning to hyperventilate.

Dr. Dover's voice broke the awkward silence "Jasper...can you please remove your shirt?" Jasper eyes immediately went to Alice who was doing her best to contain her laughter. Any thoughts of shopping had flown from her mind. She was too busy watching the train wreck before her.

"Dr. Dover is this absolutely necessary? I don't think my sons..." Esme tried to talk him out of it, but was interrupted by, of all people, Stephenie.

"Mrs. Cullen I am sure Dr. Dover knows exactly what he is doing. He is a trained professional, now take that shirt off like the doctor told you to Blondie." Stephenie demanded. Jasper seemed to jump back from whatever emotion he was sensing from her. Slowly, he removed his shirt and I felt Esme grab my hand. She was just as worried about this as I was.

"Ok, now gentlemen, I know this might be a bit uncomfortable, but I am going to ask Stephenie to choose which of you is the best looking, alright?" Immediately the girls flew out of their chairs.

"Why is she deciding?"

"That's not fair!"

"She better keep her hands to herself!"

Dr. Dover spun around in his chair "Ladies! Stephenie will be completely appropriate, I have great faith in her." For some reason that comment made Edward snort. Jasper shot him a look confirming whatever made Edward laugh.

_Do I even want to know? _I thought. Edward's head made the slightest move to the right and then to the left.

Esme leaned over "Carlisle should we do something? She is looking at my boys like they are the last pieces of food on Earth!"

At that moment, Alice had a vision that made her fall out of her chair laughing. Edward immediately went to her thoughts to see what was up, and he too erupted in laughter.

_Edward, what did Alice see? How bad it is?_

Stephenie cleared her throat and looked back at Dr. Dover "Uh, if the point is to figure out who the best looking Cullen is without a shirt I believe we have one more contestant who needs to come up here..." Stephenie looked at me with the same 'hunger' she looked at my boys with and I suddenly felt the need to shower.

Esme flew to her feet. "This is just outrageous! My husband is NOT removing his shirt in front of any of you!" My poor sweet wife. I had never seen her so possessive before, though it was very endearing.

The boys were once again laughing hysterically at the thought of me joining their humiliation. The girls however, were all on Esme's side seething in their chairs and somewhere between grabbing their mates and running out of the office or gang tackling Stephenie and locking her in a closet in some remote hallway of the hospital.

"Stephenie makes a good point, for now the argument is between the boys, but who's to say that next week it won't be between all of you...let's settle this once and for all." Dr. Dover insisted.

"Jackass" I heard Esme mumble under her breath. It caught me so off guard I almost tripped. She smiled at my stumble and whispered "Good luck dear... if she touches you I will eat her for dinner."

**_Stepheinie's POV is out there...be warned!_** _**Think cougar. ;)**_

**STEPHENIES POV**

Dr. Dover called me into the conference room. _Great another coffee run...he doesn't pay me enough for this..._

I was shocked to find out there was going to be some sort of contest to end an argument between the Cullen's. They were each more perfect than the next, their flawless skin, their perfect features and bodies most people would die for. I sat quietly in the chair Dr. Dover ushered me over to while he explained my part.

The three boys stood along the wall of the conference room. One of them looked thrilled to be there, one looked so mad he could spit and one, Blondie, looked afraid of his own shadow. _Oh, little one, let mama make you feel better..._

I was taken out of my fantasy by the greatest words ever uttered in my life. "Gentlemen please take off your shirts." _Now we're talking. I wonder if he has a radio in here...we need some music._

Then the big one, Emmett, just ripped his shirt off all Incredible Hulk style, buttons flying everywhere. I started fanning myself at the sight. _Wow...I wouldn't kick him out of bed..._

When I looked over at the other two, they were still dressed. Edward tried to excuse himself from the competition by claiming third place and trying to sit out. His girlfriend however the one according to the notes I snooped through today is marrying him for the sex, talked him into doing it. _WOAH! Look at that kiss...they definitely need to have sex before one of them explodes._

With the most annoyed face in human history, Edward removed his shirt and what a sight it was! I was ready to go over and hug Bella for talking him into doing that. My eyes admired his developed shoulder muscles, his tight pectorals and his washboard abs made my face get hot. _I think he should walk around like that 24/7...god's gift to women that one. Lucky girl that Bella!_

Blondie was instructed to take his shirt off next, but his mom had to open her big mouth and try and stop him. I had been waiting for this moment with great anticipation, she wasn't going to blow it for me!

I had to speak up. "Mrs. Cullen I am sure Dr. Dover knows what he is doing. He is a trained professional, now take that shirt off like the doctor told you to Blondie." _So I can can get a look at what your mama wants to keep hidden, yummy._ I thought He jumped back to the wall. _Scared? You can come sit on my lap, I'll take good care of you.._

"Ok, now gentlemen, I know this might be a bit uncomfortable, but I am going to ask Stephenie to choose which of you is the best looking, alright?" _Dr. Dover was my new personal hero..._

"Why is she deciding?" _because he said I could HA!_

"That's not fair!" _Life ain't fair sweetie, get used to it._

"She better keep her hands to herself!" _I make no guarantees. You've seen the dog shows, sometimes you gotta feel the goods to see who wins best in show!_

Dr. Dover spun around in his chair "Ladies! Stephenie will be completely appropriate, I have great faith in her." _Sure I will...sure I will...God the things could teach them..._

_There was only one thing that could make this moment any better, any more perfect. I had to act_ _quickly,_ "Uh, if the point is to figure out who the best looking Cullen is without a shirt I believe we have one more contestant who needs to come up here..." I glanced over at Dr. Hottie as a small bead of drool escaped the corner of my mouth.

Once again his wife had to jump in. "This is just outrageous! My husband is NOT removing his shirt in front of any of you!" _Now come on honey, I don't bite... I'll be gentle with him._

"Stephenie makes a good point, for now the argument is between the boys, but who's to say that next week it won't be between all of you...let's settle this once and for all..." I like this new doctor, he's not stiff like the rest of the ones I've worked for. I watched as his wife mumbled something to him before he came over to join his sons.

_God they look like a magazine cover..._. I stood up to get a better look and I heard growling from behind me. I spun around to see four of the most hostile faces I'd ever seen, glaring at me. "the growling really isn't necessary ladies. I'm just doing my job!"

The first one I examined was Edward. He was lean, but muscular. Pale skin and defined muscles. He smelled really good and as I leaned closer to examine his pecs, I felt a sudden surge of lust towards him. I was about to plant a kiss on his face when he shoved Emmett into Blondie who fell to the ground with a crash and it really ruined the mood. I reached up and pushed a piece of bronze hair out of his face. "Edward! You just decided to put your shirt back on and come sit with me NOW!" His girlfriend shrieked. A smile broke out over his face as he grabbed his shirt and joined Bella. _Young love...barf!_

I moved down to Emmett, the largest Cullen. His muscles were bigger than any I had ever seen this close before. He could snap me like a twig. A piece of fuzz from his shirt was still on his chest so I gently touched his chest to remove it when I heard a crash from behind me and the blonde girl had knocked over her chair and was ready to pounce on me. I held out my hand and said "Fuzz...relax sweetie." _So possessive...Of course, just touching him made me feel all tingly inside but no one knew but me._

Next was blondie. Oh how I have thought about this moment since he walked into the office yesterday. He was intimidated by me I could tell because when I approached, he took a few steps back. Younger men, they had so much to learn... His arms were covered in scars that had a hint of sparkle to them. "Where did you get all the scars Blondie?" I asked.

"My name madam is Jasper and I was in an accident when I was younger." He said timidly.

"Are you afraid of me?" I whispered in his ear as I walked behind him to check out his back.

"Utterly and completely."

I ran my hand down his arm "You have nothing to be afraid of where I'm concerned, I'd take good care of you."

"Hands off my man Mr. Robinson!!" The gift shop addict yelled from the top of the conference room table. Her eyes were as black as coal as she glared down at me.

"Easy babe, I'm just kidding. So insecure..." there was another crash behind me as the blonde and Bella both tackled Alice to the tabletop.

Finally I approached the granddaddy of them all, Dr. Carlisle Cullen. The man who's name made the female employees of the hospital swoon. _His skin was pale as his sons, but his look was more mature, more developed muscles, more years of experience. I could tell he was uncomfortable having me this __close to him, his wife probably never let other women get this close. I'm sure she was afraid of losing him with all the competition... If Edward smelled good, Carlisle smelled ten times better. He had the whole package, age, brains, looks, compassion...any woman's perfect man. _

_I again walked behind him to take in all angles and as I passed behind him I let my arm brush against his backside. I felt his cheeks clench at my touch._ What I wasn't expecting was his wife to come wrench my arm into the air and hiss in my ear. "If you don't get away from my husband right now, you will lose this arm Stephenie! I will rip it off myself..." Carlisle grabbed his wife and pushed her into the corner of the room. Her children were stunned by her behavior and Dr. Dover was furiously scribbling in his notepad.

Having evaluated the men, I went back to my seat to deliberate who would win the honor of best looking Cullen without a shirt. Decisions, Decisions...

"After careful deliberation I have decided to go with the one man who had the whole package, brains, brawn and experience..." I said as the room went silent. "Congratulations Dr. Cullen, you are the yummiest Cullen of them all!"

"I was robbed!"

"Thank god this is over."

"I feel violated."

"I will never live this down..."

_**Flame on...I had to send some love Carlisle's way. He has the whole package and remember how excited Stephenie got when she found out he was coming to therapy, She already had a big crush on him, so It makes sense she would pick him. She liked Jasper too, but went with the more confident, more experienced Carlisle :)**_

_**Edward won the poll with 71 of the votes...Jasper second with 13 and Emmett and Carlisle were tied with 7 each. **_

**_New poll is up! Review and vote !!_**


	13. Flexible

**I own nothing, Stephenie Meyer is the true owner of all things Twilight, I simply drove them to therapy.**

_Thank you thank you for your patience on this story! I have major writers block...but am working through it. I get to do Rosalie's POV in this chapter...way fun!_

_As always, HUGE thanks to jashaw for her help and brilliant idea ;)_

**Flexible**

**Dr Dover POV**

"Um, thank you Stephenie for your help. Can I see you in the hallway please. I will be right back." I mumbled to the Cullen's as I dragged Stephenie from the room

"What on Earth was that?" I screeched into her ear. "Did you take you medication today Stephenie??DID you?" I glared at her and her face sank. I knew the answer before she said it.

"I'm sorry doctor, I fell asleep and forgot. I didn't mean to ...how was I suppose to know you were going to have me go in there...with all of them, and no shirts,...that was not very nice given my condition." Stephenie shot back.

"Just stay out here and take your meds. I have to go do some damage control...you do realize you fondled Dr. Cullen in my office, right?" I gasped. Stephenie just hung her head and nodded.

"Sorry Dr. Dover...I am a bad, non compliant patient. I will take my meds and sit quietly."

"Good, now I have to get back in there..."

**BPOV**

"What the heck was that all about?" Rosalie hissed as Dr. Dover walked out of the room. She rushed over to Emmett and helped him get his shirt back on and gave him a supportive hug.

Esme and Carlisle were huddled in the corner, he was still trying to settle her down as he put his shirt back on. All eyes were on them. None of us had ever seen that kind of reaction from Esme before. I saw them embrace, and come back toward the table.

I glanced at Alice and Rose, who both had the same grin on their faces that I did. I pushed back my chair, stood up and began applauding Esme. Alice and Rose joined in and whistled furiously.

"Good one mom!"

"You showed her and remind me to never get you mad..."

Esme smiled briefly and then composed herself. "Girls, I am not proud of my actions. I threatened someones life just now...even if she did deserve it." We all started laughing again at Esme's reaction to Stephenie.

"Well I still say it was fixed! I was robbed. You weren't even in the dream Carlisle!" Emmett whined from his seat at the table.

"Oh come on Emmett, try and have a sense of humor about it, you lost a best chest contest to your nearly 400 year old dad...no big deal." Alice teased as she sat on Jasper's lap, gently rubbing his back to help get his emotions back under control.

"You heard Dr. Dover, the issue is closed for discussion Emmett. Leave it at that." Carlisle commanded.

Edward had been very quiet while he was sitting next to me. I turned to see him pinching the bridge of his nose, his sign of utter frustration. "What's wrong Edward are you alright? I'm sorry I had you participate in that stupid contest with that vile woman. I wonder if she is any relation to Mike Newton..." My joke made him smile at least.

"I'm fine, you just have no idea what was going through her head...it was ...illegal at best. I'm just glad it's over. Carlisle can we get out of here please?" Edward pleaded with his father. Even I had to admit, this therapy thing was turning into a disaster.

"Listen, let's just try and make it through this session and then we will discuss it as a family at home. OK? Can you all hang in there a bit longer?" Carlisle asked. His hand was tightly clutching Esme's, not wanting to be apart from her in any way.

A chorus of "Fine" and "Whatever you say" echoed in the room. Finally Dr. Dover stumbled back into the room.

"Sorry for the delay. I had to take care of something." he muttered as he sat back down. "I want to apologize for what just happened, things did not go the way I had hoped they would. Stephenie is a wonderful person, but she does have a few... issues, and she forgot to take her medication. Unfortunately, when she forgets, she has trouble with ...impulse control...she is mortified at her behavior, as am I. Is it possible to forget what happened and move forward to our couples sessions?"

Everyone's eyes were on Carlisle, he alone would decide if we went on, or if we went home. Personally, I prayed for the later, but as usual I was wrong.

"Of course doctor. Therapy isn't an exact science I know that, mistakes are made, but we must move forward, right children?" Carlisle looked at all of us and smiled. We nodded our heads in agreement and Dr. Dover sighed in relief.

"Thank you all very much! In looking through my notes, I've decided that I would like to do a few quick couples sessions if that would be alright?" Everyone nodded their heads in agreement. I for one, was not leaving Edward's side the rest of the day. I moved closer to him and he squeezed my hand reassuringly.

"I think I would like to speak with Esme and Carlisle first off, is that alright? The rest of you can wait...well, how about you all go down to the cafeteria. I will speak with Rose and Emmett next, so why don't you two just come back up here in about fifteen minutes?" He didn't have to ask twice. We all jumped out of our chairs and headed out the door.

In the waiting room, Stephenie was no where to be seen, which was good, because if she had made even a sideways glance at any of the boys I think she would have been in serious trouble. We threw open the office door and headed to the safety of the cafeteria.

"So what do you think he is going to ask Carlisle and Esme about?" I asked Edward quietly.

"He's asking them for all the 'dirt' on us if you will."

"Great. That could take a while..." I mumbled.

**CPOV**

"OK, Let's get started." Dr. Dover said nervously as he sat across his desk from Esme and I.

"What would you like to know doctor?" Esme asked calmly. I know she was still very much on edge after the whole Stephenie incident, but she was hiding it well.

"Well I have some notes here about the children and their significant others and I just want some of your observations. Let's start with Emmett and Rosalie. What can you tell me about them?"

"Well, they are very much in love. Rosalie has loved him since the moment she first saw him." I began, but Dr. Dover interrupted,.

"How exactly did they meet? Rosalie was living with you already?"

"Yes, she was living with us and she had gone on a hike and came across Emmett. He was injured, and brought him to me so I could tend to his injuries."

"And what happened to his family?"

Esme jumped in "They were unable to care for him any more, so we adopted him." Dr. Dover scribbled furiously in his notebook.

"I'm sorry if this question is a difficult one, but how did you feel when they started having a ...a sexual relationship? How did you find out?" He stammered.

I took a deep breath and planned my answer in my head. "I know I mentioned this earlier, but we have no secretes in our home, truly, none. So we have always been able to openly discuss things. It was apparent from the beginning how much they loved each other. As for the sexual relationship, let's just say Emmett and Rosalie are the most physical of our children ...so when they became physical, the whole house knew about it." Esme chuckled slightly next to me. I looked up at the doctor who was momentarily stunned by my comment, and then went back to writing.

"Does the physical nature of their relationship ever cause trouble within the household? I can't imagine it is easy to be around for that..." Dr. Dover looked like he was going to start sweating.

"Over the years we have learned to ...get out of their way...if that makes any sense. That and we always beep the horn before we open the garage door." Dr. Dover looked puzzled, so I clarified "They have a thing for being romantic in cars..." Dr. Dover's mouth opened slightly as he realized what I was saying. _This may do it, he looks close to passing out...nope he recovered. Nicely done Doctor._ I laughed to myself.

"OK, lets move onto Alice and Jasper. What can you tell me about them?" the doctor flipped to a new page.

Esme decided to expand on their relationship, which was must less embarrassing to explain than Rosalie and Emmett. "Again, they loved each other from the minute they met of course Alice claims she loved him before they met. Their love is a much more private one, that's the best way I can explain it." She was beautiful when she spoke about the children. I could feel the love she had for them.

"Alice mentioned that she told Jasper he was going to fall in love with her and then he did. Is that true?" The doctor asked sceptically.

"That is what they have told us, yes."

"Does Alice always tell Jasper what to do like that? Would you say she is controlling?" Dr. Dover asked with his pencil poised for the answer. I was taken by surprise at the questions as was Esme from the look on her face.

"I would say of the two, Alice has the more outgoing personality, where as Jasper is much more reserved. But just because you hear Alice talking more, I don't think you should assume she is the only one making the decisions in their relationship, she is just the more vocal one. They are opposites in many ways, but they compliment each other beautifully." I could tell Esme was starting to get a little defensive. She sat on the edge of her chair and leaned toward the doctor's desk. _Like a mother lion, protecting her cubs,_ I thought in my head and found myself smiling.

"And you said they have a more private relationship, so would you say they are the opposite of Emmett and Rosalie in the way they express their love?"

"Yes, but no. You can walk in and Alice and Jasper can be sitting on the couch just looking at each other but you feel like you have just interrupted a very private moment. At times it seems just as bad as walking into the garage unannounced, wouldn't you say Carlisle?"

"Most definitely." I replied. Alice and Jasper are very connected. So much so, that a glance between them conveys as much emotion as one of Emmett and Rosalie's romps. Jasper's gift doesn't help things either. Their emotions are palpable when you walk into the room.

"And now to the couple I sense is the most complex, Edward and Bella..." Dr Dover again, started a fresh sheet and waited for one of us to begin. I looked at Esme, who seemed upset about something Dr. Dover had said. "Why would you say that about Edward and Bella, that they were the most complex?"

_Uh, Oh...she's not happy. If he jumps all over Edward again, she may just rip his arm off ..._

"I just mean that it seems like Edward has issues with trying to control, Bella seems to have some issues with boundaries and together they are ..." Esme didn't let him finish.

"Edward and Bella are a perfect match. She has brought my son to life in the short time they have been together. Edward never truly lived until he met Bella. Sure, their love has some, complications, but their love is also the newest." The doctor took a few notes and waited for her to continue.

"They have overcome so many things to be together. Their love has been tested from the second they met. Edward is prone to overreaction, everyone knows that, but it is because he is truly terrified of losing Bella, she is the reason he breathes. And in his defense, we do lovingly call Bella our 'danger magnet' because the child attracts danger of all kinds, just pull up her hospital records... so his fear isn't unsubstantiated."

I gently took her hand in mine to help calm her back down. The doctor had been surprised by her tone.

I added,"It also doesn't help their situation that his siblings tease him about his relationship with Bella. It aggravates him to no end. Esme has lost many coffee tables to wrestling matches that broke out after an inappropriate comment from Emmett or Jasper." Esme nodded in agreement.

There was a tap and Stephenie stuck her head in tho door. I felt Esme tense up next to me and she hissed a string of obscenities at her under her breath. I couldn't help but find her possessive behavior...sexy. _Maybe that's why Bella can't keep her hands off Edward,_ I thought.

"Dr. Dover, Emmett and Rosalie are out in the waiting room whenever you are ready for them." she said quickly, then slipped out the door.

"Well thank you for being so open about the relationships in your family. I will try and be brief with the children, I just have a few questions for them about their relationships. Can you let Alice and Jasper know that they will be after Emmett and Rosalie? Have them give me about fifteen minutes."

I stood up and shook Dr. Dover's hand. Esme did as well and then she took my hand in hers and we headed out into the waiting room. Emmett jumped out of his chair and ran into the office, Rosalie rolled her eyes and took her time placing her nail file back in her purse before following him into the office, slowly even by human standards.

Esme let go of my hand and strolled across the room. Stephenie jumped when she looked up from her desk to see Esme standing over her. "Mrs. Cullen..." she mumbled. Esme held out her hand to stop her from speaking.

"Please let me speak Stephenie, I am so sorry I grabbed you earlier,. It was horrible behavior on my part and I am truly sorry for being so unpleasant. Can you forgive me?"

"For...forgive you? No! I mean yes, but please can you forgive me? You must think I am a perverted lunatic" Stephenie stammered _Well yes, that is exactly what we think ..._

"I fell asleep...and I didn't take my medication...it was all my fault. I am so humiliated at my behavior...that is why Dr. Dover is treating me." She broke down and started crying. With compassion beyond anyone I have ever met, Esme began gently patting her on the back.

"It's OK Stephenie, it was a mistake, just take your meds so this doesn't happen again OK?" Esme looked sweetly down at her and smiled.

I walked over to Esme and took her hand to lead her down toward the cafeteria. When the office door closed behind us, I leaned over and kissed her beautiful lips. "You never cease to amaze me Esme."

She sweetly smiled and placed her hand lovingly on my face "Thank you dear. Oh and by the way... if you ever step foot near this office without me, I will redecorate your office in bubblegum pink and powder blue. Do we understand each other?"

"Yes dear." I mumbled as we entered the elevator.

**RPOV**

_Fifteen minutes of my life about to be wasted._ I thought as I walked into Dr. Dover's office. Emmett had already flung himself on the couch, and was grinning. _He's getting way into this whole therapy thing. _I thought to myself.

"Emmett get off the couch. You look like a mental patient."

"Aren't we? Mental patients that is?" He was so cute when he was confused. He looked slyly at me and patted his hand on the leather couch next to him.

"Not on your life Emmett, you still have, wow, less than an hour now Emmett!" I was actually quite proud of him for lasting this long considering how everyone was taking great joy in tormenting my dear husband. He had a small pout on his face at my rejection, but Dr. Dover interrupted our banter.

"Thank you both for joining me. I spoke with your parents about your relationship.." _Uh- Oh_

Emmett interrupted "We really aren't nearly as bad as they said! I promise...I mean all those times they caught us were just accidents...the thing with the swing, totally made up I swear...well, wait. What exactly did they tell you?" _Stupid Emmett. Find out what they said before you go blabbing we got caught! Have I taught him nothing?_

"What Emmett is trying to say doctor, is that in our family, we are a bit, misunderstood." I tried to get him to stop writing for a second and did a little dazzling to distract him. His hand froze over the paper and he silently started at me. _Good, it worked_.

"H- how would you say you are misunderstood? Your parents said you two have the most physical relationship in the house. Is that a fair evaluation?" Emmett winked playfully at me. _Fair evaluation, try understatement of the century._

"Yes, I think that is fair, how about you Emmett?" I tried to give him a chance to redeem himself.

"Hell ya! Good and physical.." _Note to self, cut out his tongue._

"Let me ask you a question then. " Dr. Dover started "If you have such a healthy relationship, then why did you feel it necessary to hit on your mother Emmett?" I had to hold back a laugh. I peeked over at Emmett who looked like he just saw a ghost. "You said you wanted to discuss it in private.."

"No, wait...I wasn't really... Rose tell him, I didn't really...it was a mistake." Emmett looked desperately at me for help. I had confessed to Carlisle in the car it was a set up , but Jasper still had no idea and we wanted to keep him in the dark a while longer so I had to come up with an answer.

"It was a misunderstanding doctor. Carlisle just overreacted when he saw Emmett giving Esme and back rub. It had been a very long day for us and quite frankly, I can't remember the last time Carlisle slept!" _I'm sure it was a few hundred years ago though..._

"Oh ok" Dr. Dover sighed. He seemed relieved he didn't have to delve into some twisted mother love thing with Emmett.

"So getting back to your very physical relationship, what do you to like to do together besides have sex? What are your hobbies?"

_Draining the blood of animals, fighting deranged vampires, keeping Bella alive, teasing Edward endlessly, probably not what he's looking for..._

"We enjoy cars. I am a fairly skilled mechanic and Emmett helps me, when he isn't causing trouble." I said proudly.

"Yeah, Doc you should see her when she 's under the hood of a car, with her hands all over the engine... Rosalie is really good at pushing a car to it's limits." Emmett bragged, of course his comment had a sexual undertone which the doctor picked up on because I could see him blush slightly. _Great he's probably imagining me fondling a car..._

"I like to tinker with cars that's all. We also enjoy hunting." Emmett spun around on the couch and looked at me like I was insane.

"You hunt?" the doctor asked me, completely amazed.

"Sure. Emmett and I go hunting all the time don't we Em?" He nodded his head blankly.

"Well it sounds like you two have a number of shared interests which is a very important thing for a healthy relationship." _Good! We passed, I wonder if we can leave now..._ "Emmett how would you describe Rosalie in 5 words" _Crap! This isn't going to be good._

"Emmett..." I warned at a volume only he could hear me. He didn't look toward me at all, I saw the corner of his mouth twitch as he started his list.

"Five words: Gorgeous, Sexy, Fun, Tenacious, and ...Flexible" I tried very hard not to laugh, but the look on Dr. Dover's face was priceless and a loud laugh escaped my lips.

"Rosalie, same question to you, describe Emmett " Emmett stood up off the couch and decided to pose for me, so I could take in all his many gifts.

"Handsome, Strong, Funny, Loving and...Moronic." Emmett's arms dropped to his side "Thanks Rose, the doctor thinks I'm a moron..."

"No babe, he thinks, I think you are a moron, there's a difference." I teased.

Dr. Dover cleared his throat before he spoke again "Well, from what I can see, you two have a fairly healthy relationship. Rosalie I think sometimes you can be over bearing, and Emmett I think sometimes you need to take things more seriously. The thing I do want you both to think about, is how your 'openness' affects the other members of your family. Not all people are as comfortable with their sexuality, and you need to be a little more respectful of their feelings."

We both sheepishly nodded our heads in agreement. _I can take a hint, give Edward a break..._

"Emmett one last question. What have you learned from your homework?"

"Other than the obvious, I just miss... being able to touch her. Hold her hand, kiss her cheek, feel her arms around me, that is what I have missed the most during the last 23 hours and 17 minutes." The doctor looked pleased with his answer and quite frankly I was shocked that it was so coherent and well thought out.

"And Rosalie, how did your homework go with Bella, what did you learn?"

"Well, I think I was able to find something I have in common with Bella." _Of course it_

_is her ability to deceive the members of my family, but he doesn't need to know that.._. "I think we took some real steps toward becoming sisters." I said proudly. I may never agree with Bella's decision, but I did love her and what she brought to our family. I finally realized that.

"So are we cured Doc?" Emmett asked, bouncing on the couch, ready to leave.

"Not cured, but off to a good start. Stop flaunting your sexual relationship in the faces of your family and I think things will start to improve."

Emmett glanced down at his watch to check the time as we walked out of the room. I heard him whisper behind me "Thirty six minutes Rose...and counting."

_**Hope you liked it!! Thanks for reviewing :)**_


	14. Feelings

**I own nothing, Stephenie Meyer owns all these amazing characters. I just drove them to therapy :)**

_Thank for being patient with me. I had a busy weekend and the first draft of this chapter wasn't great. Thank you jashaw for the swift kick :) Hope you like Alice and Jasper!_

_A new poll is up too.._

**Feelings**

**JPOV**

"Ok Jasper, here's the plan. We have exactly 34 minutes to get this thing wrapped up so I can finally go shopping. We are going to march in there, create a little drama and a little marital strife, let this quack 'cure' us and get out of there. Do you understand? I have a date with the mall..." Alice hissed in my ear as we sat in the waiting room. Emmett and Rosalie had just strolled out of the room and headed back to the cafeteria with the rest of the family. Dr. Dover held the door open and waved us into the office.

As we walked through the door to the office, Alice sang "Hello there Dr. Dover. Long time no see!"

She was in a much better mood after our little excursion down to the cafeteria where she purchased lunch. It was as close to shopping as she had been allowed to get in the last 23 hours and 27 minutes. Like a heroin addict looking for a little fix, this lunch trip had given her just what she needed to take the edge off of her anxiety. Dr. Dover became suspicious immediately once he saw her change in demeanor.

"Alice, good to see you too. I take it you had a good trip to the cafeteria, no problems?" He asked cautiously. I could sense confusion, suspicion and the slightest hint of fear in him. _If he only knew how scared he should be._ I laughed to myself.

"No, doctor. I was very well behaved, wasn't I Jasper?" She asked, looking to me for some reassurance. I smiled and nodded my head.

_Except for the fact that you bought one of each item on the menu and offered the cafeteria workers $1000 for the soda machine, yes dear, it went perfectly fine. No one would ever guess you had a shopping addiction._

"Well, good. I'm glad we didn't have a repeat of the gift shop incident..." Dr. Dover trailed off. I could feel his relief. He shuffled nervously through his notes and glanced my way. Immediately, his fear filled my senses.

"Shall we get started?" Again, I nodded my head while Alice joyously exclaimed "Yes! Let's get this show on the road doctor. You are a very busy man and I am sure you have plenty of other things you could be doing right now..."

_Tick, Tick Tick..._32 minutes until her shopping privileges were returned and knowing Alice, she planned to walk out of this hospital at exactly 7:01 and head for the nearest store and give them the best quarterly earnings they've seen in a decade.

"So Alice, you know I spoke with your parents about..." My impatient wife was trying to move this along, she couldn't help but interrupt him.

"You spoke with them about our relationship and you seem to think that I am overbearing and that I try to run Jasper's life, yes I know." The look on Dr. Dover's face was priceless.

"Did your parents tell you all of that?" He stammered.

"No, but I told you I sometimes just know things...I know how I can be perceived by others so I guess I just kinda knew..." She smiled pleasantly at him before turning to me "Jazz, do you think I run your life?"

I shook my head no in response.

Dr. Dover stared at me and tapped his pencil. _Is that frustration I am picking up?_

"Jasper, do you have anything to _say_ on the matter?" Dr. Dover pushed.

_HA! He's frustrated because I'm not talking. Maybe I should explain to him that it has nothing to do with Alice, only my struggles with my bloodlust. It makes things a lot easier if I don't talk. Talking requires breathing, while silence allows me to hold my breath as much as possible. So, I can talk to you doctor, but I just might kill you. _

"No, Doctor. I am just a private person. If I don't agree with something, I let Alice know, but most of the time I am happy to do whatever she wants, within reason." I smiled at my wife, who I noticed was glancing at the clock in anticipation.

"Within reason...can you give me an example of something you feel was not within reason?"

_Damn, see this is why I don't talk. Have I learned nothing from watching Emmett put his foot in his mouth all these years._

"I can't think of anything..."

"Jasper, please, I can wait as long as you need me to, but I feel this is important." Dr. Dover continued.

I glanced over at Alice whose anger was slowly rising along with her impatience. She nodded her head at the clock to tell me to get a move on.

"Ok fine, dress up, when she wants to give me makeovers, that I don't enjoy, but most of the time I tell her." Alice's anger suddenly turned to hurt. _See! This is why I stay silent..._

"Alice, did you know that Jasper doesn't enjoy your little makeovers"

"Yes, but he always looks so handsome when I'm done." She whined, a small pout on her face. _See how do you say 'no' to that?_

"Jasper made an admission in his session yesterday Alice that you ...dressed him in women's clothing. Is that true?"

"Well, yes...but I had a very good reason." _Very good reason, I beg to differ...she was bored._

"What is a good enough reason to dress your boyfriend up like a woman?"

Alice let out a frustrated sigh "Well, doctor, women come in all shapes and sizes and I found a website for big and tall women and wanted to try my hand at fashions for them. Since I didn't know any big and tall women, I used Jasper as my guniea pig! It was all completely innocent, but I'm sure Emmett made it sound dirty didn't he? And he said Jasper did it all the time right? What a jerk. I will kill that brother of mine!" Alice scowled.

"Did you know he was uncomfortable when you did this to him?"

"Yes, but no one was supposed to find out. Darn that Emmett and his obsession with ammature videos, total pervert." She grumbled "Anyway, Jasper made a beautiful woman, didn't you Jazz?"

"No Alice, I looked like a bad female impersonator." It was the complete truth, and she knew it.

"You did NOT!" I felt her getting very angry which was starting to have an affect on me too.

"I looked like a cross between a bad Cher and a really bad Celine Dion." I snapped.

"Well if you weren't so darn tall, I might have had more options with your style." _How dare she..._

"The four inch stillettos were still a bit over board Alice... I am 6' 3" My legs are as long as your whole body, why exactly did I need to wear them?"

"They elongate the leg Jazz! Do you even pay attention to anything I say? They made you look statuesque and lovely. They make you look thinner and your butt looked even better..."

"My butt looks fine!"

"I never said it didn't, I'm just trying to explain myself...stop raising your voice at me!" Alice huffed furiously. Dr. Dover sat wide eyed at our exchange and out of the corner of my eye I saw Alice wink at me. My wife was quite the actress. _Good use of her emotions to fuel the argument..._

"You give makeovers to Bella too against her will, right Alice?" The doctor interrupted.

"Sometimes." she answered quietly. "But she always looks pretty when I'm done right Jazz?" she looked up at me for support.

"Of course. You do a lovely job." I said and kissed her head, hoping to undo some of the damage my words had caused.

"Alice, do understand that sometimes, people need to just be able to look how they want without input from you? It's great you have a flair for fashion, but if you could just try and restrain yourself and wait for them to ask for your opinion, that might help. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it's just hard doctor, when I know what the perfect outfit is...I just want to help."

"I understand that Alice, but fashion isn't a matter of life or death." Alice gasped like he had just cursed her to hell.

_Tick, tick, tick,_ I thought. _That's the only reason my lovely wife isn't going to the mat to argue the importance of the fact that one must have the 'proper fashion for the proper situation', a speech I personally have heard at least a thousand times._

"Let me ask you a question, did you play with dolls when you were a child Alice?"

"I have no idea, I can't remember anything from when I was young. My memories only begin a month before I met Jasper, but anything before that is black."

"So you have no memories of your childhood?" Dr. Dover asked in amazement.

"Nope. That could explain my need to play dress up so much, I have life sized dolls to play with now!" She squealed with delight.

"Doesn't it upset you, that you have no memories of your biological family?"

"No, I don't think they were very nice...I was put into an asylum for 'seeing things'. They thought I was possessed so I was locked in a dark room all the time until I escaped, and found Jasper and eventually found Carlisle and Esme."

"So you could see things like a psychic?" Dr. Dover asked sceptically.

"Yes, I can still see things..." She said confidently.

"OK, tell me something." _He can't be dumb enough to test Alice...don't do it doctor!! _I screamed in my head.

"34" She said while rolling her eyes.

"What is 34?" Doctor Dover played innocent.

"It's the number you decided on in your head to see if I could guess it." Dr. Dover mumbled "Lucky guess" under his breath, which I knew Alice had heard. Her jaw set, she raised a challenging eyebrow to the good doctor. He responded by making an odd face, I can only assume it was a face of intense concentration, or stomach problems.

"17" Alice responded rapidly.

"1,834"

"Frog"

"Banana"

"The Boston Red Sox"

"Fruit of the Loom underwear"

"Milky Way, the galaxy not the candy bar." she sighed "Do you believe me yet? This is getting very boring."

"Let's try something else, tell me... something that is going to happen in the future."

"Tonight when we leave, before you go home, you are going to go to Flannagan's Bar and have a double scotch on the rocks...again, just like you did last night after we left. Tonight you will not sing karaoke however. " She said with a smirk on her face. "Love is a Battle Field... I never pegged you as a Pat Benetar fan doctor." Dr. Dover dropped his pen out of his hand and froze for a few seconds. His face blushed and he started stammering.

"How...how did you..."

"I told you, I can see things. It makes it really hard to surprise me, so Christmas and birthdays are fairly boring, but it is the price I must pay for my unusal gift." She smiled sweetly at him. "Do you have anymore questions for me?"

"Um, no...Well, I guess the thing for you to be careful of is that even though you may be able to see things, when it comes to clothing, unless it is a matter of life or death, which will be extremely rare, you need to let people wear what they want. Stop using them like life sized dolls, to make up for your missing childhood memories."

"I will try, I promise doctor." Alice raised her hand into the air to swear.

"HA! I'm cured, your turn Jazz, make it good and make it fast!" Alice said to me so only I could hear her.

"Jasper, I feel we have a number of things to discuss. Why don't you tell me about your childhood."

"Well I was raised in a very different family than Carlisle and Esme's. Being from the South, they definitely were not vegetarians. I was raised in a much more violent family, where hunting and killing were commonplace, it was considered a normal way to live. I was in a number of fights, which led to all my scars." _Of course the fights were with gangs of vampires, but no need to point that out right now, we were finally moving along with the whole therapy thing and Alice is getting more impatient by the second._

"So did your upbringing make you want to embrace the Cullen's lifestyle more?"

"Yes, that and Alice."

"Jasper can you tell me why, other than to be with Alice do you want to be a vegetarian?"

_Why did I want to be a vegetarian, to not kill innocent people, to try to make up slightly for all the pain I've caused in my life, to be with the woman I love, because I believe it is the right way to live, to avoid seeing the terror in my victim's eyes as I sink my teeth into their flesh...can't say most of that...he'd have a stroke._

"Well, I feel it is the... healthiest lifestyle for me, and I believe it will help me live a better life and make up for some bad choices in... diet I may have made previously. I just couldn't stand to eat things with feelings anymore. I didn't want to feel their fear and pain before I ate them...it just became too much to see them looking at me..." I still don't know how I got it out with a straight face before I buried my face into my hands for dramatic effect, then Alice hissed "Good one Jazz, bring on the emotion, he's eating that up. We'll be out of here in no time."

"It sounds like you struggle the most with being a vegetarian in your family, is that a fair statement?" Dr Dover inquired.

I raised my head out of my hands and took a long deep breath before answering. "Yes, I think it is fair to say I struggle every day with my choice, but I do all I can to stay in control."

"What happens when you lose control Jasper, because I have to imagine you do lose control occasionally, what do you do?"

"I get...upset, violent."

"Is that what happened when you tried to kill Bella?" Alice groaned and rolled her eyes. A lengthy discussion about my slip up, was not going to help her get to the store any sooner.

"I had been having a very bad day. Sometimes our lifestyle is hard, very hard for me, but I stick with it, to be with Alice. I am usually in control, but on this day, I was not. Bella was in the wrong place at the wrong time and I lashed out, nearly hurting her, but Edward stopped me. I am very ashamed of what happened and all the trouble it created for Edward and Bella and I will spend the rest of my existence trying to make it up to them. But they both have forgiven me so that helps me deal with my guilt." I said everything as accurately, and quickly as possible so Alice wouldn't be annoyed. _Great more confusion...this guy needs to learn how to read between the lines really!_

"It was an accident. I lost control and almost...almost killed her." I said sheepishly, not totally lying. _Glad I get to revisit this memory for the millionth time. This will help..._

"So you are saying you accidentally tried to kill Bella?" Dr. Dover asked skeptically.

"No, I meant to do it, so I guess accidentally is the wrong word. It was a misunderstanding?" Terror came from the good doctor.

"So Bella and Edward misunderstood your intentions, you weren't actually trying to kill her?"

"No, that was in fact what I was trying to do._"_

"Then what would you call it Jasper?" He asked exacerbated.

"An impulse control problem? A bad choice maybe?"

"A bad choice." Dr. Dover replied.

"Yes."

"I've never heard attempted murder referred to as a bad choice before...And what led you to make that 'bad choice' ?"

"I was hungry..." I heard Alice hissing at me "Jazz, be careful here..."

"You were hungry so you attacked Bella, in an attempt to kill her. Were you going to eat her?"

"Not exactly, I don't like meat." Again, Alice hissed 'Jazz...'

"Then what part of Bella were you going to eat?"

"Her blood." Lasers shot out of Alice's eyes at me, and her fury hit me like a wave.

"Her blood? Like a vampire?"

"Yes."

"Jasper, do you think you're a vampire?"

"Yes doctor, I believe I am a vampire."

Dr. Dover again, froze and stared at my totally serious face. He was trying to process what I had just said when I heard Alice start yelling at me at vampire speed, so the doctor couldn't hear.

"Have you completely gone insane? Do you want the Volturri on the porch by the time we get home ready to kill us? Carlisle is going to flip out...how could you tell him that?"

I tried to send a calming feeling her way while we waited for the doctor to react.

"Do not try and calm me down Jasper Hale! I have every right to be upset. I said drama and strife, not a full on vampire war...there is no shopping during a war you know that!! You just keep your big dumb emotions to yourself... you are in so much trouble."

Over the years, my family may have thought Alice and I shared all these touching, wordless moments together, gazing into one another's eyes. They were wrong, utterly and completely. Like a master ventriloquist, Alice had learned to smile and not move her mouth at all, while silently yelling at me, undetected. Right now, to Dr. Dover and anyone else who looked at her, she was smiling sweetly, poised like a doll on the edge of her chair. But to me, she was the woman I loved, spitting venom at me with all her might at vampire speed, yet again.

"I know what I am doing Alice...you said make some drama." I hissed right back to her.

"Drama yes, giving him reasons to commit us NO, that was not part of the plan. I will not be stuck back in a padded cell in some horrible asylum jumpsuit. I am too short to pull that look off Jazz you idiot. The color white makes me look all washed out." Alice hissed.

My train of thought was broken when I was suddenly filled with amusement and relief. I looked curiously at Alice who was still too mad to be the source, and then finally to Dr. Dover who was grinning from ear to ear.

"HA! You almost had me there Jasper...you're a vampire. That dry sense of humor of yours...you had me going for a minute. You're a vampire, sure and I'm a werewolf!" The man actually had tears streaming down his face. _Even if it was a joke, it wasn't that funny. Maybe now he's the one having a mental breakdown_. I thought.

"Oh, my...what a joke. HA ...where were we...vampires, that's a good one. Sorry, getting back on track. Oh yes, so being a vegetarian makes you angry. If it makes you angry, then why continue?"

"I told you, it is the price I pay for being with Alice, I love her, and I am willing to change my lifestyle to match hers. It's that simple."

"But why would being a vegetarian make you violent?" He asked. _Again with the confusion!_

"Being hungry makes you grumpy. Look at any supermodel in the world, they are the skinniest and most hostile people on the planet...it's all from the lack of food. I guess I just get extra grumpy. Edward once explained that living on soy milk and tofu will sustain you, but not necessarily satisfy you. The hunger is always there...just under the surface..." I said ominously. _Now he's back to the fear..._

"I don't want you to think Jazz is some sort of bloodthirsty monster doctor, because that isn't true...he struggles, but I do my best to help him through the rough times. On that day with Bella, I didn't see it coming so it was in part, my fault too." Alice said apologetically to the doctor and to me.

"It sounds like this is something you have thought extensively about so that is good. But you have to find a healthier outlet for your stress. Was this the only time that you have become violent?"

_With Bella_..."Yes."

"Can I ask you another question?" Alice shot me a look of 'wrap it up Jazz'.

"Sure."

"Why are you always so quiet?" He asked and I felt concern. _Great, he probably thinks I'm depressed or still plotting Bella's murder...I better find a way to end this quickly and quietly... humor worked last time, let's try it again._

"Well doctor, to tell you the truth, I am a very observant man and I have watched my brother Emmett for years get in to trouble for saying the first thing that pops into his head. I choose to think things through before I speak, thereby keeping myself out of a great deal of trouble unlike him." I gave him a warm dazzling smile and laughed out loud, hoping all of those things together would be enough to end this line of questioning.

"Ha! I completely understand, your brother doesn't sensor much of what he says does he?" Doctor Dover laughed.

"According to Edward, not at all." I laughed. _OOPS!_

"So are we done doctor? Do we pass the mental exam?" Alice asked excitedly, Her joy was already beginning to overwhelm me.

"Jasper, how was your homework? I've heard about Alice's difficulties but you didn't say how yours went."

_How it went, well I made the girls kiss which was hilarious even though it was unexpected. Edward and Emmett almost spontaneously combusted, that was priceless. I caused my brother's fiancée to have a dirty dream which again was unexpected and amusing. The only uncomfortable result was finding out about Bella's feelings of desire and lust for me...it was quite overwhelming. I decided to keep that information to myself and was trying to keep it blocked from Edward also._

"It was ...unexpected and interesting. I know why you had me do it, but I think the entire family would be more comfortable if I kept my emotions in check a little more."

"Just understand emotions are a good thing and always suppressing them can have disastrous results OK?" I nodded my head in agreement. _Whatever you say doctor...just get me out of here before Alice explodes!_

"One final question, I did this with Rose and Emmett and I'd like to try it with you as well. Please describe each other in five words."

"Jasper is loving, thoughtful, empathetic, protective, and leggy." Alice started laughing because she knew what I was going to say and a feeling of love washed over me.

"Alice is exuberant, excitable, loyal, omniscient and compact." She put her tiny hand in mine and gave it a squeeze.

"Well, thank you both for your time. You can send in Bella and Edward. Don't go anywhere though, I will want to talk to all of you before you leave." Alice looked nervously at her watch...18 minutes. She looked skeptically at me.

We both knew Edward and Bella needed more like an hour rather than a measly 18 minutes to work through their issues...especially if Edward was still in a bad mood. As soon as I opened the door to the office and he saw me, I felt him emotionally shut down and all his defenses go up.

_Yep, they are going to be a while._

_**Hope you guys liked it! We are getting to the end, only two, possibly three chapters left...I give fair warning :) A new poll is up can you guess what it's about?**_

_**If you have any suggestions for what you want Bella and Edward to cover in their therapy session...review and tell me. Review please!**_


	15. I Love My Dog

**I own nothing, Stephenie Meyer is the owner of all things Twilight, I just drove them to therapy!**

_Thanks you to all of you who gave me advice and suggestions, I managed to get most of them in. I need to thank especially Keepingthepeace and ThrushflightEdward'sStalker for your ideas which helped me! As always a HUGE thanks to jashaw who read the crazy thing twice and helped me not panic over it. And Tara's Folly another fantastic author for always making me smile!_

_The title is dedicated to a fanfiction author and friend Leria who definitely loves her dog ...in life and in her stories. Not every good story has to be a Bella and Edward story :)_

_Enjoy Bella and Edward!_

**I Love My Dog**

**BPOV**

We were sitting in Dr. Dover's reception area, waiting for Alice and Jasper to emerge from his office and for our own personal hell to then begin. Stephenie was sound asleep behind her desk, which was a good thing. I didn't want to have to deal with her again. Edward took my hand in his and stroked it gently with his fingers.

"How are you holding up?" He asked.

"I will be happy when this is all over. Honestly, I think we should just go home, have a huge pillow fight, work out our aggressions, and be done with it. How about you?" I asked, concerned that everything from today was starting to take it's toll on him.

"I'd rather face the Volturri than step foot in that office again." He mumbled with a scowl toward the office door.

The door to the office flew open and Alice and Jasper strode out, looking thrilled to be free. Alice tapped her watch at us as she walked out, I assumed they were heading back down to the cafeteria. I felt a wave of calm wash over us as Jasper passed, I was certain he felt all the tension both Edward and I were exuding. Next to me, Edward quietly chuckled.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Alice threatened to throw us the most pink and sparkly wedding in history if we don't get done by 7:00 sharp so she can go shopping. She also mentioning something about white satin stilettos for the wedding with your name on them..."

My body tensed at the thought of having to navigate three feet, let alone down a 25 foot aisle for the wedding, balancing on a pair of glorified toothpicks. Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his embrace.

"I love you Bella."

"I love you too Edward, even if it means I have to sit through therapy with your crazy family." I laughed.

"I'll be with you two in just a minute." Dr. Dover waved from his office as he shut his door. Unfortunately the noise woke Stephenie up from her slumber. Her head flew up and when she saw Edward and I sitting there, she looked as if she had seen a ghost. She quickly ran her fingers through her hair and snatched a pen off the counter and a pad of paper and began scribbling furiously. I looked over at Edward and saw he was staring at Stephenie and appeared mildly amused.

"Do I even want to know? Is she writing you a love note or something?" Edward shook his head no. "OOHH is it for Carlisle? Esme will kill her..." I mumbled aloud. Edward continued shaking his head no, but suddenly covered his mouth to hide his smile.

"Tell me." I hissed.

"She ...she had a dream just now...about us. For some reason she thinks it will make a great book, the perfect love story. She's writing the whole thing down before she forgets." He was still shaking with laughter but I couldn't understand why.

"And that's funny why?" I whispered as Stephenie looked back over at us, her eyes ran wildly over our faces and then she threw her head back down and started writing,

"Remember the book she was reading before? With Tim and Shay?" he asked.

"Sure, the trashy vampire book. What about it?" I was even more confused now. I racked my brain to remember. _Edward said we reminded her of the characters in it...that Edward reminded her of..._

"She is not!" I gasped, now realizing why Edward was laughing so hard.

"She is and in the story, I'm a vampire. I wonder if Alice saw this one coming..." He trailed off, still highly amused.

"Poor woman, dreaming of vampires." I giggled. I had actually forgotten where we were until the office door flew open and I heard the words I had been dreading for the last ten minutes.

"Edward and Bella I am ready for you two now." Dr. Dover grinned from his doorway.

Edward gave my hand a squeeze and followed me through the office door. I felt my heart rate pickup as I heard Dr. Dover close the door behind us, trapping us in his office. Claustrophobia began to take over and Edward immediately picked up on my increased heart rate and erratic breathing. He gave me a strange look, but I just shrugged my shoulders and I leaned back farther into my chair.

"Where to start, where to start." I heard the doctor mutter as he flipped through page after page of his notes, all I assume were about Edward and I. Glancing over at Edward, I saw him rolling his eyes apparently annoyed by the thoughts going through Dr. Dover's head.

"Let's start with your homework, Bella how did all the wedding conversations go?" He looked at me eagerly awaiting my answer. I glanced over at Edward who had a small smirk on his face, which annoyed me.

"It went fine. I think I answered all Edward's questions, until he started asking annoying things like what our colors were and what flavor wedding cake I wanted, or when we were going to..." I shuddered visibly, "Register. All that stuff falls under Alice's decisions, not mine." Edward laughed out loud at my reaction.

"Edward why are you laughing at her? She is obviously uncomfortable." The doctor asked quickly. _I'd like to know the answer to that one too Edward._

"I'm sorry, Bella I'm not laughing at you. Well I am, but it's just that I didn't really care about those questions, I just asked them...to distract you and it worked." My eyes narrowed in anger.

"Why were you trying to distract me Edward?"

"Do you remember what was happening right before I asked those questions?" He said as he raised a knowing eyebrow at me.

_We were in bed, and he was anxious for me to sleep , but I was anxious to..._ "OH" I said and my face turned red as a lobster.

"What were you doing Bella?" Dr. Dover asked, and my face grew even more red if possible.

"We were in bed." I said as quietly as possible, Edward continued smirking.

Dr. Dover's face was full of confusion. "You were in bed? With who?"

"With him!" I screeched as I extended my arm and pointed at Edward who was biting his lip to not react to my tantrum.

"But I thought you said you two didn't..."

"We don't." Edward said plainly.

"Then why were you in bed together? And why were you distracting her?" Dr. Dover continued.

"I was going to sleep, and Edward lays down with me when I sleep, and nothing happens, we just sleep. Well, correct that, I sleep. He just..."

"Just what?"

"Watches me sleep, I guess." I said somewhat hesitantly as I looked over at Edward. "Really, Edward what do you do while I sleep?"

He shrugged his shoulders "I just lay there with you and watch you sleep. Sometimes I read, but most of the time I just listen to you talking and to your heartbeat." He took my hand and kissed it lovingly. I was grinning from hearing his admission, but when I looked at Dr. Dover he had a horrified expression on his face.

"So let me get this straight, I must have misunderstood...Bella, you lay down in bed at night and go to sleep and Edward, you lay down with her and watch her sleep?" he asked incredulously.

Edward and I looked at one another and both nodded our heads in agreement. "Yes." Edward simply said out loud.

"How long do you stay with her? Till midnight or 1 am?" he asked.

"Usually until the sun comes up, then I go home and change my clothes, returning in time to pick her up for school." The calm of Edward's voice was a funny contrast to the panic in Dr. Dover's eyes.

"But...how can you...when do you sleep?"

"I don't sleep. I guess you would diagnose me as having insomnia doctor." I chuckled at his self diagnosis.

"Edward, when was the last time you slept?" _I_ _can't_ _wait_ _to_ _see_ _him_ _get_ _out_ _of_ _this_ _one_. I giggled to myself.

"I honestly cannot remember the last time I slept. But when I am with Bella at night, laying next to her as she sleeps, I am completely relaxed and content, as close to sleep as I think is possible for me."

"Have you ever tried medication to help you sleep?"

"Medication doesn't work on me doctor. Carlisle and I have discussed this extensively." Edward said with a straight face, but I saw the corner of his mouth twitch slightly in amusement.

"Do your parents know?" Dr. Dover asked both of us.

"Yes." Edward said plainly. "We have no secrets."

"No!" I said loudly "Secrets are a good thing in my house."

"So Bella, you are lying to Charlie about Edward?" Dr. Dover asked accusingly.

"No, I'm not lying. He has never asked me if Edward spends the night, so technically..." I trailed off hoping it would blow over.

"Would he approve?"

"Approve of Edward spending the night with me? No, definitely not, he's a cop and I'm quite certain he'd try to kill Edward. The man does own a gun..." I said nervously as I shifted in my seat.

"Does he know that Edward has established boundaries in your relationship?"

"Kind of. I usually don't make it a point to discuss my sex life, or lack their of, with my father thank you very much." I hissed.

"Bella, again you mention your lack of a sex life...are you a little bitter about Edward's boundaries?"

It took a second to think about his question. I glanced over at Edward whose forehead was wrinkled in concern.

"Bitter isn't the right word...I'd say I'm more ...frustrated."

"So you are saying you're sexually frustrated?" Dr. Dover blurted out louder than I would have liked.

"I...I...don't know how to answer that question." I floundered while Edwards face went stiff.

"Well, the definition of sexual frustration is agitation, stress or anxiety due to prolonged sexual inactivity or an uncomfortably low level of sexual activity that is causing frustration." Dr. Dover recited what sounded like the definition out of his textbook.

"Oh, yes then, I guess that pretty much sums it up." I said my face blazing red. Edward smacked himself in the head and started cursing again under his breath.

"Edward, there is nothing to be upset or uncomfortable about, Couples all the time have problems where one partner wants sex more than the other. I will admit usually it is the man wanting to have sex more...but that is besides the point. What I'm trying to say is this is perfectly normal and if you two can talk openly about sex, that will help you have a full and satisfying sex life." Now I was as uncomfortable as Edward. I glanced over at him again and mouthed 'sorry'. He shrugged his shoulder and rolled his eyes helplessly.

A musical female voice yelled directly outside the door. "LOOK JASPER...IT'S ALREADY 6:44 PM ISN'T THE DAY JUST FLYING BY?" My eyes grew wide when visions of me falling down the aisle at my wedding, in 4 inch stilettos, wearing a horrible pink wedding dress danced in my head.

"OK Doc. What do you want to know...let's get this over with." I said at as close to vampire speed as I was capable of.

"Well, I'm just saying Bella, if you are feeling unsatisfied," Edward cringed at the doctors words. "Then have you ever considered...taking care of your own needs?"

Edward jumped to his feet and started pacing nervously behind my chair, running his fingers through his hair nervously. I sat in my seat, completely frozen in shock. I could feel the skin starting to melt off my face from the burning intensity of my blush over what Dr. Dover had just suggested. Outside the door I heard a booming laugh, and knew the whole family was gathered, now listening to our sexual counseling.

"I...I...No." I shook my head no over and over and over until I was almost dizzy.

"Well I think you and Edward should discuss the idea...this can't be easy on him either, having you tempting him all the time when he seems quite dedicated to his decision to wait until marriage." I heard Edward's cursing as he paced a hole in the floor.

"Um, like are you suggesting a...a.." I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"A VIBRATOR BELLA! HE THINKS YOU NEED A VIBRATOR" Emmett screamed from the waiting room. Edward had a murderous look in his eyes as he walked to the door, opened it, and threw a book he had grabbed off the table at Emmett. I knew the book hit its mark when I heard the loud crash and the "Damn it Edward!" from Emmett.

He slammed the door shut and flopped angrily into his chair beside me. I continued staring at my hands which were folded safely in my lap.

"Um, well yes, I was suggesting a vibrator actually." Dr. Dover mumbled uncomfortably.

"Forget it. I'll give in to her before I'll let that happen." Edward growled with the bridge of his nose pinched between his finger, his ultimate display of stress.

"Edward don't be absurd! You're not going to change your decision about waiting for me. I'm not getting one of those things...God knows with my klutziness, I might poke an eye out!" I tried to lighten the mood. When Edward looked up at me, we both burst out laughing at the images we had in our heads of all the trouble I could get myself into with one of those things.

Dr. Dover however thought we were crazy, I'm certain, then he scribbled something down in what I called his massive 'Edward and Bella are Freaks' folder and began his questioning again.

"Edward, can we discuss your suicide attempt again?" Dr. Dover said in a serious voice.

"6:46!" Emmett screamed from the waiting room. Apparently, Alice wasn't the only one watching the clock tick.

"Sure, what can I tell you." Edward said quickly.

"Would you do it again?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I promised Bella I wouldn't."

"Do you always do what Bella asks you to do?" Dr. Dover questioned. _I thought we covered this in the sex therapy part of our session..NO!_

He glanced my way and I looked at him, anxious to hear his answer, daring him to lie with my eyes.

"No, not always. If it's what's best for Bella, I go along with it, but if it's not, then I have to refuse her wishes." He said solemnly.

"So give me an example of something you've refused her." Dr. Dover said quickly adding "Other than sex, that is."

"Well, the easiest thing to think of, is her becoming one of us."

"A vegetarian?"

"Yes- a vegetarian. I don't think it's what's best for her. I cannot allow her to turn her back on her life, to willingly give up who and what she is to be like me. True, it would make life easier for me, but I will not be the reason she loses everything."

"Edward, how many times do I have to tell you it is not your decision to make. It is mine and mine alone. You are not my keeper you are my fiancée and eventually you will be my husband and if you think I am going to back down and do whatever you tell me, you will be sadly mistaken."

"I have to agree with Bella on this Edward. She is a big girl and can make this decision herself..."

"No she can't. She has no idea what she would be giving up, how much it would cost her, hurt her even!" Edward shouted as he glared at Dr. Dover.

"Still, it's not your choice Edward. You can't protect her from every bad decision she makes, she has to live and learn. That is how we grow as people."

"Yes, but you see Bella isn't a normal person, she has this way of attracting danger and trouble. She often gets herself involved with dangerous...situations or creatures. And we disagree about just how dangerous things are. She always looks for the good and refuses to see the bad."

"Creatures?" I asked. "What creatures am I involved with that are so dangerous?"

"Your love of dogs..." he spat at me.

"Wait a minute, you are not going to throw that in my face are you?" I fumed.

"Our brother is an idiot!" I heard Alice cry from the waiting room. "Damn it Edward!"

"What is this about her dog Edward? You don't like him?"

"No, Bella had decided to let this very dangerous animal into her life and into her heart. I have tried to warn her of the dangers of having... a stray...they are temperamental, easily angered, and unpredictable, but she refuses to see the bad, again always looking for the good."

"Bella tell me about this dog Edward feels is so dangerous."

"For the record, I chose you, not the dog Edward as I have already told you, so how you can still feel threatened by him is ridiculous to me! But anyway, doctor, the dog helped me through a very difficult time in my life. When Edward was gone, he was by best friend and helped pick me up and put me back together. It's only normal I would have some loyalty to him right?" I asked Dr. Dover. He gently nodded his head, and I smirked victoriously at Edward.

"But he is a dangerous animal." Edward growled.

"No he's not. Not with me." I said sternly

"Aren't there some breeds of dogs that are historically dangerous doctor? Like a pit bull, they have a reputation for violence and attacking people without provocation, you would be leery and extra cautious around one right?"

"Yes, I would agree with that, if there is a pattern of violence in the animal..."

"And there is. A normal person would be cautious, Bella however, decides to kiss the dog."

"I kissed the dog once, well twice. Edward. Get over it. I have!" I yelled.

"I'm just trying to explain why my opinions should not always be considered controlling or overreactions by the doctor, there is a valid concern for your safety."

"Edward are you jealous of the dog?" Dr. Dover pressed.

"Jealous? No...well ...yes, I am grateful he helped Bella when I hurt her, but now, he's just ...in the way."

"What is it that would you like Bella to do Edward? She is obviously attached to the dog, on some level."

"Yes Edward, what do you want me to do? Do you want to kill my dog Edward?" I accused.

"No Bella, I don't want to kill your dog. I would never do that and you know it. I just want to know you love me more than your dog...and... I want him to keep his filthy tongue out of your mouth please! I don't think that is too much to ask." Edward's jealousy for some reason made me smile.

"I promise to keep the dog on a very short leash Edward, okay?" I asked as I turned and looked deeply into his eyes so he see how much I loved him. He returned my gaze with a perfectly dazzling crooked smile and I knew all was forgiven.

"See, that was wonderful, You two were able to work through a conflict and find a resolution that works for both of you. I am impressed." Dr. Dover said with pride. He took a few notes and then a serious look fell over his face before he spoke again. "There is another topic I would like to get your side of Bella..."

I knew where this was going, so I interrupted "Jasper?" The doctor nodded his head in agreement.

"Dr. Dover I'm sure it sounds crazy, but it really was an accident, Jasper feels terrible about it and I forgave him. Do the circumstances really matter that much?" I pleaded.

"The details do tend to be important, Bella, it's not every day someone tries to kill you... "

"Well, actually for me it is not that unusual of an occurrence..." I mumbled, however Dr. Dover had caught every word and looked like he was ready to spring from his chair.

"What do you mean it isn't unusual? How many times have people tried to kill you Bella?"

"I don't know...5, 6 if you count the current threat on my life from our friends in Italy...right?" I said as I looked at Edward.

"Actually love, I think you are correct if you are counting Tyler's poor driving as an attempt on your life and our friends from Italy do make 6 by my count." Edward calmly agreed with me.

"Bella, 5 times people have tried to ...kill ..you? How can you be so calm about this?" He asked incredulously.

"Because I know Edward will never let anything happen to me. He has saved me every single time. We told you doctor, I am a danger magnet."

"Who are the Italians, and why do they currently want to kill you Bella?"

I looked over to Edward for help, but he didn't seem to have a better answer than I did to the doctor's question.

"Well, they are a very powerful family in Italy, and I know...a secret about them. But they have said they will not kill me if I become a vegetarian like Edward and his family. If I become a vegetarian, then they may ask me to work for them, but I can refuse if I want." _There's no way this guy is going to buy this ..._

"What do they do for a living that they would need a vegetarian to help them?"

"It would be more of a... position on their board...I may have a talent they find important."

"Like what? Are you a good debater, do you have an eye for corporate takeovers, skilled vegetarian chef, do you have a flair for coming up with unique vegetarian recipes? Do they own a restaurant? And why would you ever agree to work for them if they threatened to kill you?"

"Oh, I would never work for them, but they don't know that. I am just playing along with their demands until I become a vegetarian, and then I can take care of myself." Edward sighed at my comments.

"Bella, I have to say, I am a more than a little concerned at your apparent lack of concern for your own safety. You seem completely unaffected by the danger that surrounds you!" Dr. Dover said, stunned.

"Thank you ! Finally someone agrees with me." Edward exclaimed happily, clapping his hands together.

"I'm serious Bella, I know you think Edward is way too overprotective, but I have to say, I think he is the only one being remotely sensible right now!"

"Did you all hear that? I am being sensible!!!" Edward called out in the direction of the waiting room, sounding downright giddy.

"Hurry it up Mr. Sensible. It's 6:51!" Alice yelled back.

"When Jasper attacked you Bella, what was your reaction?"

"I forgave him before I even left the Cullen's house." I said quietly, still not being comfortable remembering that day.

"And Edward what was your reaction?"

"I decided I needed to keep Bella safe and being around me and my family wasn't safe for her so I made the decision to leave." I felt tears come to my eyes at the memory of his leaving.

"Bella, what are your feelings toward Jasper now?"

"I love him, he's a part of my family." I said strongly, I meant every word I said.

"I know you consider him family, but family or not, if someone tries to kill you, a normal reaction would be anger, especially if his act caused the love of your life to leave you. Why aren't you more angry with Jasper?" Dr. Dover asked intensely.

"I...I...don't know." I looked over at Edward who seemed to be distracted by something and trying not to laugh. My brows furrowed in confusion, but I continued answering the doctor "He...is just...family." I heard a loud commotion outside and seconds later the door to Dr. Dover's office flew open.

Jasper was standing in the doorway, breathing heavily. Alice was over his shoulder saying "Jazz you are going to make a complete fool of yourself." But Jasper just shook his head no, holding a hand up to Alice quieting her, and also annoying her from the look on her face. Edward looked to the ground, refusing to make eye contact with him but smiled.

"Jasper can I help you with something? I am in the middle of a session with your brother and Bella."

"Dr. Dover, I have information that you need to know!" Jasper almost shouted at him.

"What is it Jasper?"

"Sir...I think you and ...my brother need to know that...well...Bella is in love with me!"

"WHAT?" Dr. Dover and I shouted at the same time. Edward covered his face with his hands and began shaking, with laughter I assumed... or he would have tried to kill Jasper by now if he had remotely believed him.

"Jasper can you explain why you think Bella is in love with you?" Dr. Dover asked in shock.

"Well, something happened today...I was sitting with her and she was talking to Rosalie about the dream she had about the three of us." He said waving a finger between himself and Edward. "And then she just... it was just the way she acted..." Jasper stammered.

"Jasper, this is important...did Bella come on to you?"

"NO!" I yelled "I most certainly did not come onto Jasper! ROSALIE!!!!!" I screamed.

In the blink of an eye, the leggy blond appeared in the doorway behind Jasper, grinning from ear to ear. "Yes Bella?" She said in her sweetest voice.

"Please explain to Jasper that I am not in love with him."

"Sorry, Jazz it was all part of our bonding activities. Bella wasn't thinking about you when she was acting that way, she was thinking about Edward, you just 'read' her wrong. Bella is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Nope, that's it. Thanks Rose."

"Anytime Bella." she sang as she left the doorway. I could hear Emmett's muffled laughter in the distance.

Jasper remained frozen in place for a few seconds, humiliated and embarrassed I'd guess based on the emotions that filled the room. Finally, he began to ever so slowly inch toward the door. "You and Rosalie are a force to be reckoned with Bella. Very dangerous..." Were Jasper's parting words as he softly shut the door. "I told you so Jazz!" I heard Alice hiss.

Dr. Dover wiped the beads of sweat that had formed on his brow way with his shirt sleeve, as he scribbled another note. Edward was still laughing so I gave him a quick smack on the shoulder "You could have warned me that was coming."

"Your face was priceless my love." He said as he tried to dazzle me into forgiving him. Being a mere mortal, it of course worked.

"You really are lucky I love you!"

"I know. That's what I've been saying..."

I heard Dr. Dover clear his throat. "Well Bella, it looks like things are getting better between you and Rosalie. The homework I gave her must have helped, of course I don't know how wise it is to bond over harassing family members, but you have to start somewhere so..." He gave his shoulders a small shrug.

"Thank you doctor. Yes, I think Rosalie and I have made a lot of progress today."

"OK, sorry. Where were we before the interruption?" Dr. Dover scanned the paper in front of him.

"You were pointing out to Bella that I was right to be concerned for her safety and I was and I quote ' the only one being remotely sensible' end quote." Edward said proudly. I rolled my eyes at him, but that just made his smile grown even bigger. He was enjoying this way too much.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Edward had Alice kidnap me Dr. Dover. If you want a perfect example of him overreacting, you will really enjoy this story!" I snarled, eager to wipe the smirk off of Edward's face.

As I took a big breath, ready to launch into every detail of the story, the office door flew open for the second time during our session and this time it was Emmett, his hands up in the air like he was stopping traffic.

"Listen, doc...I know these two need therapy, lots and lots of therapy, but it is now 6:56 and I know you still want to talk to all of us as a group. Rosalie and I have, um...plans...and we need to leave at exactly 7:00 so let me help move this along if I can." Edward grabbed my hand, and I squeezed his with all my might, terrified at what might fly from Emmett's mouth while he was in such an excited state.

"They have issues, Bella is clumsy, hormonal and lusty, too trusting, overly obsessed with her dog, she has a fear of commitment, low self esteem, an inferiority complex, desperately wants to be a vegetarian and you haven't even touched on just how darn stubborn a human she is. She however makes my brother happier than I have ever seen him. He actually smiles and laughs, something I didn't even know his face could do until he met her. Edward, well he could be a whole class in shrink school." Edward began growling at Emmett who justed waved his hand in Edward's direction to shut him up.

"Edward however, is paranoid that something will happen to Bella, self loathing, homicidal when it comes to protecting Bella, irrational at times, way too old fashioned in the ways of love, overprotective and often overreacts. Of course, in his defense, he loves Bella like no one else on the planet ever could and that is the source of all his crazy behavior." Emmett cast a genuine smile in my direction.

"Having said all that, they are soul mates in every sense of the word and everything will work out in the end. There is nothing stronger than their love." My eyes got misty at the sincerity of Emmett's words. It was very...un-Emmett of him. I jumped out of my chair and gave my big brother a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you Emmett. I love you." I said through my tears.

"Oh great, now she's in love with me too Edward...did you see that? She kissed me!" Emmett said mockingly.

"Drop dead Emmett." I heard Jasper say from over Emmett's shoulder.

"Already have Jazz, already have." Emmett teased. By then all of the Cullens were standing in the office laughing.

"Dr. Dover, could we do a quick wrap up, the children really do have things they...er, want...to do now." Carlisle said with a smirk as he looked at Emmett and Alice who were counting down the minutes like it was New Years Eve.

"6:57 Doctor, do you want to do this here or in the conference room, we don't have much time..." Alice squealed as she clutched her purse full of credit cards.

"Um, well, OK I guess I can quickly talk to you all in here..." All the Cullens crammed into his office. Edward and I moved to the couch, letting Carlisle and Esme have the chairs in front of the desk. Edward positioned me on his lap, Alice stood in Jasper's arms and Emmett and Rosalie stood in the corner, the feelings between them becoming palpable. Jasper kindly sent a wave of calm across the room before things escalated into a full on orgy.

"6:58!" Alice hissed, her bouncing picked up in intensity as she began creeping closer to the door. Emmett took another step closer to his wife who started giggling.

"Better hurry doctor, you're losing them." Esme laughed.

_**Well I hope you liked it! I put a new poll up for your voting pleasure...Let me know what you think...Review!**_


	16. Jailbreak!

**I own nothing, Stephenie Meyer owns these silly characters. I just drove them to therapy.**

_Lots of love to jashaw...congrats ;)_ _and thanks for Tara's Folly for pinch hitting for me on this one!_

**Jailbreak!**

_Previously on Family Therapy:_

"_6:58!" Alice hissed, her bouncing picked up in intensity as she began creeping closer to the door. Emmett took another step closer to his wife who started giggling._

"_Better hurry doctor, you're losing them." Esme laughed._

**CPOV**

This was easily the longest 36 hours of my existence. Everyone in my family was ready to strangle one another, and being a logical man, I thought getting them some professional help was the answer. It seemed reasonable, but I guess with a family like mine, all reason goes out the window and you are left with constant, eternal and inexplicable insanity.

We had fights, kisses, accusations, lies, eating disorders, sex addicts, sexual counseling, half truths, molestations, a bare chest contest, strip poker, a naked Jasper, Esme threatened a woman's life, Bella had an erotic dream about the boys, Emmett hit on Esme, Rosalie had to be hidden to keep Emmett away from her, Alice created a fantasy shopping world, Jasper went into full confederate mode, and Edward was referred to as reasonable...what was the world coming to?

Just when I thought things couldn't get any more insane, here we sat at 6:58, two minutes until Emmett could have sex again and until Alice could shop again and the doctor was getting ready to launch into some closing statement that none of them were going to listen to a single word of. In exactly 120 seconds, Alice and Jasper, and Rosalie and Emmett would be gone, I prayed at human speed that everything would end well but it would probably be just Edward and Bella, Esme and myself left, sitting in the office, to endure the rest of Dr. Dover's torture.

I looked around the room at my loving family. Esme sat by my side, holding my hand, but thinking murderous thoughts about the secretary. Edward was pinching the bridge of his nose, I'm sure facing the onslaught of Emmett's mental imagery of Rosalie. Bella, bless her heart, was sitting there like a deer in headlights, her heart racing and cheeks red as a strawberry concerned that the topic of her lack of a sex life would come up again. Emmett was ogling his wife and she was, as expected...encouraging him. Alice however, was the best. She was bouncing up and down in anticipation of the clock chiming 7:00. Jasper stood stoically behind her, trying his best to calm her, with absolutely no success, she was completely out of control and you could see her pent up energy starting to effect Jasper. For now, it was only his knee that was vibrating, but in a few more seconds, I was sure that his whole body would be bouncing right along side Alice.

My focus turned to Dr. Dover who appeared to be sweating. His eyes darted from Alice to Emmett and eventually to Edward, I'm sure wondering why Edward looked like he was in physical pain. Anytime he made eye contact with Bella, she would blush. Esme and I sat calmly in our chairs, as the world around us crumbled into a million tiny pieces.

"6:58!" Alice chirped happily.

Esme gave my hand a tight squeeze of encouragement before she spoke. "Better hurry doctor you're losing them."

"You were saying?" I said to Dr. Dover who fumbled with his papers and started talking in a hurried voice, sensing the urgency in the room.

"Well, I just wanted to tell you all that therapy is an ongoing and long term solution to your problems. These things cannot be worked out in one or two sessions, they will take time, but I feel we have started to make some progress today...walls have started to come down and I can see...just how committed to your homework some of you were." He glanced nervously at Emmett who was whispering in Rosalie's ear now, checking his watch occasionally, then Dr. Dover glanced over to Alice who was holding Jasper's hand, her whole body shivering as she stared at her watch, trying to will the second hand to move faster.

"I think what I would like to do in future sessions is have the boys back in, there are a few things I would like to revisit with you in a group setting and the same with the girls. Of course I will have you come back as couples, especially Bella and Edward...we still have a lot more to cover with you since we were cut short."

I heard Alice start counting down 59,58, 57... Poor Jasper was stuck in emotional hell. On one side, he had Alice whose excitement was overwhelming. On the other side, he had Emmett and Rosalie who were throwing off so much lust I could barely breathe. And Jasper stood, smack dab in the middle of the barrage, visibly trembling.

"I think some of you have made a great deal of progress, Bella you and Rosalie seem to have taken a positive step forward in your relationship." Dr. Dover praised the two girls. Bella nodded her head enthusiastically while Rosalie mumbled "Yeah... sure...progress." From the back of the room, completely engrossed in Emmett's sweet talking.

42,41, 40...Alice chanted quietly.

"Carlisle you have an amazing family here. I can feel the love between everyone." Edward snorted at that comment. We all could _feel_ the love from Emmett and Rosalie right now, even though that's not what the good doctor meant, it was true. Their lust was beating Alice's excitement and Jasper was losing control of the situation.

34, 33, 32...

"Alice Cullen, it is not New Years Eve, stop counting." I hissed to her. She stuck her tongue out at me. I then decided to try a different approach to speed up our escape.

"Doctor Dover, Ben, I never meant to keep you away from home this late, you're wife must be furious. Things seem to be more under control than they were before. We can pick this up at a another time." The children all looked hopefully toward the doctor waiting to be paroled, but no dice.

"Nonsense Carlisle. This is much more important that anything else I may have going on at home. And my wife is a very understanding woman." He replied. But from the smirk on Edward's face, I assume that was NOT what the doctor was thinking.

"You have a very complicated family situation, here Carlisle. With this many teenagers in the house at once, it would be complicated at best, but then when you throw in the fact that they are all in relationships with each other..."

23, 22, 21...

_Edward, what are you laughing at?_ I asked in my head. His eyes darted to Alice and Jasper. _How is Jasper holding up?_ He very subtly shook his head. _Is she going to tear out of here when the clock hits 7:00?_ He nodded his head up and down. _Do I even want to know what Emmett is planning?_ Again he shook his head no and shuddered slightly.

Dr. Dover kept talking "...the relationships complicate things to a whole new level. To be living with your significant other at their age is stressful. I think that may be this a major contributing factor to the problems at home. I have never dealt with a family dynamic like yours. I may need to call on some outside experts to get their perspective on things..." _Blah, blah, blah_

_15, 14,13..._ Alice began inching toward the door. I had to stop her from making me look like a fool in front of Dr. Dover again, even though being shirtless around a colleague was a new personal low for me, I wanted to end this visit with some shred of dignity.

"Alice Cullen, if you leave this room before the doctor excuses us I will cancel your credit cards before your little butt hits the seat of the Porsche, am I clear young lady?" I hissed at vampire speed so the doctor wouldn't be able to hear. Alice's eyes got huge, and then narrowed to small slits as she glared at me. She folded her arms across her chest and huffed loudly.

"I still can't shake the feeling that there is something, something big that I am missing..." The doctor mumbled as he flipped back through his pages of notes, looking for something he may have missed. We all exchanged amused looks and hoped he wouldn't find what he was looking for.

"Well, that being said..."

Edward leaned over and whispered something to Bella that made her turn her head to Emmett and Rose with a look of horror and then she ducked her head so her hair completely covered her face.

_Edward? What is he thinking..._ Edward raised an eyebrow at me. _That bad?_ Esme looked at me nervously. I tried to give her a reassuring smile but she saw right through me. We both took a deep breath and focused our attention back on Dr. Dover.

"...I feel that if you continue therapy over the next few months I can teach you some strategies..."

3, 2, 1... 7:00 p.m.!!

"Give me your phone" Alice hissed to Jasper who quickly tossed it into her hand. She furiously dialed and I heard " Neiman Marcus, how may I help you?" She pulled a large catalog out of her purse and began flipping pages and she slumped down, sitting against the wall.

"Yes, I need to make some purchases, I want them shipped overnight please." Alice muttered into the phone "This is Alice Cullen." I heard the woman on the phone squeal.

"Miss Cullen, we are so relieved to hear from you! We thought something terrible must have happened to you. Were you kidnapped? That's the only thing we could come up with to explain why we hadn't heard from you in almost, wow 30 hours!" My eavesdropping on Alice was interrupted by a loud crash behind me.

I looked to my left and saw Bella with the branches of a large potted tree on her head. Edward was cursing profusely. I followed the tree trunk to see that Emmett and Rosalie were now making out in the back of the office and in their fervor, they had knocked over the small shrub, causing it to land on poor Bella.

"Um...Emmett, Rosalie!" Esme said sharply causing the two to burst apart, looking extremely guilty.

_Of all the_ _days for her to wear red lipstick_. I thought as I looked back over at Emmett who resembled some deranged clown with the smeared red lips on his face, caused by his wife's deep red lipstick. She didn't look much better.

"Um, well I guess since it is 7:00 you kids must have... things you want to go do..." Dr. Dover muttered, looking fearfully at Rosalie and Emmett who had big grins on their face. They looked to me for permission to leave and I muttered "Go!" They were out of the office in seconds. Alice cleared her throat to get my attention and squealed when I made my decision to let her leave too.

"Thanks dad!" she chimed and kissed me on the cheek as she and Jasper ran out the door. I looked to my left and saw Edward and Bella looking at me waiting to be excused.

_Can you last a few more minutes...for me?_ _Don't leave your mother and I alone with him._ I asked him in my head. He rolled his eyes and sank back grudgingly into his chair. Bella sighed and mimicked his actions. I looked at Esme who had a beautiful smile on her face however the death rays shooting out of her eyes told me she wanted to go home just as much as Edward and Bella.

"Edward why don't you go take Bella home." _To our house _"Esme and I will meet you there. And if you could check on the others, that would be helpful." _Please find Emmett before security is called! _A huge smile sprang onto Bella's face.

Edward helped her up from her chair and extended his hand to Dr. Dover. "Thank you for everything doctor. I'm sure we'll see you soon." _Quit sucking up just because he called you 'reasonable' and get out of here before I change my mind Edward. _

"Bye Dr. Dover." Bella said quietly before coming over to hug Esme and I goodbye. "Thank you Carlisle." Bella whispered in my ear as she hugged me tightly. She gave Esme a hug and a kiss and they ran out the door. I heard Edward say "Oh thank God that is over!" As he walked down the hallway, Bella giggled and must have kissed him because I heard her heart rate soar.

"Sorry doctor, but I think we both know they were all just a little preoccupied right now." I laughed trying to make light of their hasty exits. Even Dr. Dover had to chuckle.

"You all love each other very much Carlisle, I can see that. Everything is going to be OK, they are good kids, all families fight. As long as they can resolve their issues like adults, things can and will improve. You made the right decision bringing them in to talk to someone." Dr. Dover tried to reassure me.

"Thank you doctor. So where do we go from here?" Esme asked quickly.

"I'd really like to see them once a week for the first few months and then we can reevaluate their progress and see if we can cut that back a bit."

_Once a week? They are definitely not going to like this..._

Esme leaped to her feet at his pause and held her hand out. "We will give you a call to schedule our next appointments. Thank you doctor." She shook his hand quickly and said "Please give our apologies to your wife for interrupting your evening. Carlisle are you ready to go home?" Esme said in that 'you don't have a choice, so get off your butt' voice of hers.

"Ben, thanks for everything." I said as I shook his hand and headed to the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow Carlisle." He waved from his desk. Esme took my hand as we headed down the hall.

"Do you mind if we swing by my office, I may as well grab a few files and bring them home with me so I can get some work done." I asked Esme.

My beautiful wife smiled and said "No problem. Now that we don't have to babysit the children tonight, life can return to normal and perhaps we can even have a relaxing evening together." She gave me a wink at the thought of all we could do to relax tonight.

As we rounded the corner, we ran into a very angry Edward leaning against the wall with Bella._ This better be important Edward._ I thought as we approached the couple.

"She stole my car." He hissed.

"Who stole your car?" Esme asked. _Alice?_ I thought. Edward nodded his head yes.

"Why would Alice steal the Volvo?" I asked. Bella thrust a crinkled up note into my hand. Esme leaned over as I flattened it out, and read it with me.

_Edward-_

_I borrowed your car, I didn't steal it, stop telling Carlisle that. It has a bigger trunk that the Porsche so I needed to take it. I didn't hurt your car, Jasper taught me how to hot wire it. Isn't that cool? Rose can fix any damage relax, it's just a couple stupid wires. Stop pinching the bridge of your nose and don't even think about doing that to my Porsche or I'll take the Volvo to the junk yard and have my packages shipped home._

_Your loving sister,_

_Alice_

I did my best to not laugh at the note because I could just imagine Edward's fury as he found his beloved car missing, and a note from Alice in it's place.

"Yes Carlisle, it was hilarious." Edward said sarcastically. _Sorry Edward..._ I apologized in my head. He responded by rolling his eyes and asking for the spare set of keys to the Porsche. As I reached into my pocket to find the keys, my pager started beeping. I didn't recognize the number but could tell by the extension it was coming from inside the hospital. "Sorry, everyone, this might be important." I quickly dialed the number on my cell phone and waited.

"Hello?"

"This is Dr. Cullen I was paged."

"Hi doctor Cullen, this is George with security. It looks like someone has broken into your office. Are you by any chance still in the hospital?"

"Yes, George, my wife and I are actually on our way down there now. We'll be there in a second." I snapped the phone shut and my mind raced. _It had better not be what I think it is..._ I glanced at Edward who was doing his best not to burst into laughter at my thoughts, but he was failing miserably He buried his face into Bella's shoulder and began shaking with laughter.

"Carlisle what is it?"Esme asked, her voice full of concern at the look of fury on my face.

"Apparently someone has broken into my office. We need to get down there now." We exchanged a glance that told me she too had an idea who the perpetrators might be. Bella's hand flew over her mouth and then she too joined Edward in hysterics.

"We'll be back you two!" I said as we strode down the hallway.

"On no you don't" Edward choked out "We aren't going to miss this one! After the day we've had, you owe us this much Carlisle. " I turned to see him dragging Bella by the hand after us.

We made a quick left at the visitors desk and then hopped in the elevator to reach the floor my office was on. As the elevator doors opened and I saw the big 4 on the wall in front of me, I paused and wondered just how bad it was going to be. _Was the door just kicked in, the intruders having made off unnoticed_, or I shuddered at the thought, _Were the intruders caught in the act...Please God, let them have at least got away... _

Esme took my hand as we took the first right and started down the long hallway. I could see two uniformed police officers in the hall, but I only picked up parts of the hushed conversation.

"Dr. Cullen...young guy...all the nurses are hot for him." _Great Esme will love that_. I stole a peek and saw the wrinkle in her brow. _Yep, she heard...this day just keeps getting better and better_. When Edward stopped walking about two thirds of the way down the hall because he was doubled over in laughter, I knew they hadn't escaped. My son and daughter were sitting in my office, awaiting my arrival. _Please God, again I beg you, let them have clothes on..._

Esme looked like she was as terrified as I was about what we might find. Clutching her hand, I approached the officers.

"George?" I asked. The taller officer with black hair came over and held out his hand.

"Dr. Cullen? Sorry to bother you, but well...something like this has never happened here and so we wanted to call you before we did anything further." I closed my eyes and waited for him to say it. "We caught the intruders, but they asked us to call you. They said they know you." I felt Esme give my hand a squeeze of encouragement as I opened my eyes. George was being a complete professional. His sidekick however, Andy, from what his name tag said, was grinning from ear to ear.

"Carlisle, please..." Esme said at vampire speed so the officers wouldn't hear. "They are just children."

"They are not children Esme, they are both 92 years old! They know better." I hissed back.

I cleared my throat and addressed George. "Are they inside?" I asked in the most professional tone I could muster given the circumstances. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward had picked himself off the ground and was walking in this direction with a red faced Bella at his side.

The door to my office had obviously been kicked in, small fragments of wood were dangling off the door jamb. I pushed open the door and could see my coat rack, lying across the office floor and the contents from the top of my desk scattered across the floor like a tornado had ripped through the room. Esme gasped and covered her mouth as we went further into the room, only to find an annoyed Rosalie sitting in the armchair in nothing but her bra and panties and Emmett standing next to her, wearing my long white lab coat, a stethoscope and nothing else, except the goofy grin on his face.

Without a word, I walked over to the shelves behind my desk and picked up the beautifully framed picture of my family that Esme had taken just a few months ago. The eight of us were smiling out in the backyard, looking like the picture perfect family.

"Dr. Cullen?" George asked from the doorway. I looked at my children, then looked at the framed picture in my hand and laid it face down back up on the shelf. Grasping Esme's hand in mine, I headed for the door and said "I've never seen them before in my life." And walked out the door.

Esme hissed at vampire speed "And on your father's desk..."

I heard Emmett screaming "Mom, Dad!!! We're sorry...don't leave us here...can I please put some pants on before you do that?"

_Edward, you and Bella follow them to the station and bail them out at the last second. Tell the officers I was mistaken, the shock of seeing my children like that. Make them take the mug shots, so I can add them to my collection. Charlie will help...I'll call him on the way home. Oh, and throw the lab coat and stethoscope away...I will not being wearing either of those ever again._

Esme and I rode home in complete silence. I still couldn't believe they had done that. Actually, I could easily believe they had done that, I just couldn't believe they were dumb enough to get caught.

"It could have been worse Carlisle." Esme said quietly as we walked into the house. I sat down on the couch and pulled her next to me.

"Yes, you're right. I suppose they could have been found in a compromising position in the fountain in the main lobby, that would have been worse, or on a gurney in the OR, that would have been worse, but on my desk..." I whined like a child.

"Don't worry. I'll order you a new one in the morning dear." Esme said with a giggle. I gently kissed her head and enjoyed the silence of our home for a while. Our short lived peace was interrupted by the ringing phone.

"Hello?" I said quickly.

"Turn on the news." Edward said quickly, and then hung up.

"Esme dear, can you flip on the television, that was Edward." She reached over and found the remote control, the local news had interrupted regular broadcasting.

"Hello John, the scene down here is unlike anything I have ever witnessed before. I am standing outside the local mall at Port Angeles where recent lottery winner Alice Cullen is on an unbelievable shopping spree with her boyfriend Jasper Hale. We had a chance to talk with her briefly as they were exiting this designer dress shop with an armful of packages."

"Miss Cullen, first congratulations on the lottery win. You must be ecstatic."

"I am very happy." Alice said sweetly.

"can you tell us how much you won exactly?"

"I'd like to keep the amount a secret if that's OK with you Chris."

"What prompted the spending spree this evening?"

"Chris this has been the longest day of my life so I decided to blow off a little steam and spend my winnings." Alice chimed in her perfectly sweet voice.

"Are you going to spend all your winnings tonight?" The newsman asked incredulously.

"HA...you never know Chris, you never know..." she teased.

"Mr. Hale can you make a guess as to how much she has spent so far this evening?" the newscaster shoved the microphone in jasper's face.

"Just under $150,000 dollars by my calculations." Jasper guessed.

"Well I won't keep you from your shopping any longer. Thanks for talking with us."

"Bye Chris thanks! Hi Edward and Hi Bella, sorry about the Volvo...it does have great trunk space though! Rose and Emmett, you should have known better shame on you and Carlisle...no don't do it! Please..." Alice screamed as Jasper pulled her off camera. I could still hear her begging when the newscaster signed off.

"This is Chris Peacock at the Port Angeles Mall for channel 10 news. Back to you John."

Esme's mouth was wide open in shock. The whole town would know of Alice's lottery winnings by morning. Thankfully, by her school records, she had just turned 18 or we would have had to explain that too. I reached my hand out to the coffee table and picked up a cordless phone and dialed a phone number in Switzerland. As soon as I dialed the last number, my cell phone also started to chime.

"Wait one minute Esme..." I held my hand up so she wouldn't answer the cell phone yet.

"Hello?" I heard a male voice in my ear.

"Arthur, this is Carlisle Cullen. Freeze all of our accounts immediately." I nodded to my wife who answered the phone sweet as ever.

"Hello Alice. What can I do for you?" I heard Alice's frantic screeching as Esme held the phone out to me snickering.

"OHMYGOSHYOUCANTDOTHATTOME..." I heard her scream.

"Alice dear, what is wrong?"

"Carlisle, you can't freeze the accounts please, don't do that." Alice begged into the phone. "Jasper stop trying to calm me down!"

"Alice I'm sorry, but it has already been done. Don' worry, you'll be fine. Just use your LOTTERY WINNINGS to finish your little shopping trip." I said sarcastically "Goodnight Alice." After turning off the power I snapped the phone shut and threw it onto the table.

"Now where were we?"

**Dr. Dover POV**

1:00 am the clock read. I had been glancing at it every ten minutes for the last hour and a half. I heard a loud sigh next to me.

"Benjamin Dover, what is wrong., You have been tossing an turning for over an hour now. I'd like to get some sleep. Is there anything you want to talk about?" Eileen asked in frustration.

"I'm sorry dear, it's just these patients...I have a lot on my mind. I think I'm going to go downstairs for a while so you can sleep." I whispered as I kissed her gently on the forehead before climbing out of bed. I slipped my feet into a pair of slippers and headed down to the kitchen for a bowl of ice cream.

_The Cullen's. What am I going to do with the Cullen's?_ I asked myself over and over as I sat at the counter enjoying my chocolate fudge swirl. _They are keeping something from me, I can feel it, but what?_

They all had been so guarded at one point or another through our sessions. I felt like I was missing out on some big joke from all the sideways looks that passed between them. Sometimes I could tell they were telling me the complete and honest truth, like when Carlisle and Esme spoke of their children and Bella, they genuinely loved one another.

Other times, when they spoke I was reminded of the phrase "Things aren't always what they seem...". Who makes being a vegetarian a requirement for all of their family members? And why is their 'way of life' as they kept referring to it, so difficult for them? No one would die if they changed their minds, but to hear them talk about it, it sounded like being a vegetarian was a matter of life or death. Or at least they seemed to think so.

_And all the issues between them. This could take years to resolve._ I admitted to myself. _Am I up for that? Can I break through their carefully constructed walls to find out their secrets and find out what they are hiding underneath that tough as granite exterior? _

I would need to confer with some colleagues on this case. A sex therapist, a marriage counselor, someone specializing in abnormal psychology, an adolescent psychologist and I should probably look into finding them a vegetarian support group. _I wonder if those even exist?_ I asked myself as I dumped the melted contents from my bowl into the sink. I rinsed my spoon and bowl, placed them into the dishwasher and tip toed back upstairs to bed where I heard Eileen gently snoring.

I'll sleep on it tonight, and decide tomorrow.

**_Only one more chapter...I know I know.,...but the end is here... My last poll was a statistical dead lock only 4 vote difference so it is now a head to head competetion...give it a vote. I'm gone for a few days...be back soon so if I don't reply quickly, it's not because I don't appreciate you, it's because I am visiting with the relatives...tis the season. Review please :)_**


	17. Breaking up is Hard to Do!

**I do not own these Characters, Stephenie Meyer does, I am the one who drove them to therapy.**

_This is the final chapter of Family Therapy. Enjoy!_

**Breaking up is Hard to Do!**

**Dr. Dover POV**

My sleep that night had been anything but peaceful. My dreams were full of bits and pieces from the therapy sessions I had with the Cullens. It all started like this...

_I was a union soldier in the Civil War, and as I was charging the hill my weapon at the ready, Jasper, dressed as a confederate soldier, appeared over the top of the hill, clutching a blushing Bella in his arms threatening to spill her blood. _

_I turned to my left to look for help, only to find my fellow Union solider Emmett, fondling a young woman against an apple tree. I turned to my right, screaming for help, and was startled when my call was answered by a shirtless Carlisle, armed and ready to save Bella. _

_Just before we charged Jasper, Edward arrived carrying a large basket of vegetables that he began handing out to each of the Cullens, one by one. Carlisle took a tomato, bit into it deeply, and sucked the juices from it. Some of which trickled down his chin and onto his bare chest._

_Emmett and the young woman who I could now see was Rosalie, fed each other peas and green beans alluringly in the shade. Edward went on to hand Jasper a huge eggplant which he quickly devoured, and then another, before he finally released Bella. _

_Thrilled to be free, Bella crashed into Edward's arms and sobbed tears of joy. He very gently held her, until her cries died down. When they pulled apart, Bella began to eye the remaining vegetables in Edward's basket and then proceeded to hold out her hand._

"_May I please have an artichoke." Her voice was sweet and gentle as she took a step toward Edward, waiting for his response._

"_You don't want to do that Bella." Edward snapped. I could see the stubbornness take over Bella's delicate features._

"_Yes, I do Edward, give me the damn artichoke. It is my decision not yours." And she lunged for the the spiny leafed veggie._

"_I will not allow you to hurt yourself this way. This is for your own good Bella, no vegetables for you! It will only end up hurting you in the end and I will not be responsible for you losing your life!" Edward screamed at her._

_I couldn't take it anymore, the arguing, the bickering, the endless nonsense about being a vegetarian...my head was spinning. Finally I stepped to the top of the hill and shouted at the top of my lungs. "People! They are just fucking vegetables!! She won't die becoming a vegetarian ...Get a grip!" _

_All of the Cullens turned in surprise, and then slowly started walking towards me, their fangs glistening in the sunlight... wait... FANGS????_

"VAMPIRES!!" I screamed out in bed. I woke up from the dream in a cold sweat, my heart thundering in my chest.

My scream caused poor Eileen to topple from our bed and grab the golf club that she hides under the bed for emergencies screaming, "Where are they Ben? Let me at them!" I watched my poor wife swing the pitching wedge wildly into the darkness trying to defend us from the nonexistent vampires of my dreams.

When I heard her clock radio being smashed to bits I collected myself enough to say. "Eileen honey? Put down the club, it was just a dream... I'm sorry I scared you."

"A dream? You screamed vampires in your sleep... you are a jackass..." She snarled as I heard the wedge fly across the room, ricochet off the closet door and land near my dresser. "A therapist having nightmares...maybe _he_ should be in therapy...stupid patients of his..." she muttered under her breath as she climbed back into bed.

"Sorry dear." I said as I laid back onto my pillow, turning to face her.

"I swear Ben, you are lucky that I love you or that pitching wedge would be tightly wrapped around your neck right now." Eileen said as she giggled softly, kissing my cheek.

"I know." I laughed as I tried to go back to a dreamless, Cullen free, night's sleep. "Don't worry, it won't happen again."

**CPOV**

It had been three days since we had left Dr. Dover's office. The night of the incident in my office, Edward brought Rosalie and Emmett home from the police station around 11:30 pm., waving their mug shots in his hand.

"Emmett closed his eyes again!" Edward laughed, as he brought the picture over for me to look at. I glanced at Rosalie's, and as always, the picture looked like it could be on the cover of a magazine. "Rosalie insisted they wait until she fixed her hair to take it." Edward rolled his eyes.

Bella walked up behind him, she was laughing as well. "My dad said he's never seem anything like it...poor Emmett got thrown in the cell with the drifter they picked up on the side of the road, however Rosalie talked the guys into letting her sit in Charlie's office! When he came in, she was sitting in his chair, with her feet up on his desk." He doubled over in laughter. "His face was priceless..."

"I think I may file a complaint against the department." Emmett yelled from the upstairs, "For sex discrimination. So what if I'm a guy? Just because I don't have boobs I get stuck with Jimmy no name who smelled like an elephant's butt. In the mean time, _she_ got the one guy to run out and get her bagels...and she doesn't even eat food!"

"I just wanted to see of he would really do it.." Rosalie giggled from her room.

I pulled a small album off the shelf of my office and added their pictures to the others. The time Edward and Emmett got arrested for public indecency for mooning Jasper at the park, Alice's arrest for breaking and entering when the employees arrived at Bloomingdales, only to find Alice there, unpacking the new fall line by Gucci, Rosalie's arrest for prostitution... that was a long story and Jaspers arrest for assault and battery when he lost a bet to Emmett and they got in a fight outside a sports bar. I smiled as I closed our 'book of family shame' and placed it safely up on the shelf.

Later that evening, with Rosalie and Emmett back from jail and our local "lottery winner" and her husband finally showed up, we had a family meeting to discuss Dr. Dover's suggestion of us continuing with therapy on a weekly basis.

Emmett was all for continuing therapy, other than the homework, he quite enjoyed himself and I suspect he had a plan for all the trouble he could cause Edward and Bella in future sessions. "I like Bend Over, I think we should go back. I still have something I would like to discuss with him." Emmett said as he winked in Edward's direction. A coaster flew across the table, narrowly missing Emmett's head.

"I will defer to my wife." Jasper chose to say very little, awaiting Alice's final decision as he filled the room with a calm sensation in an effort to let cooler heads prevail.

Alice wasn't really listening, she was still inconsolable since the credit cards remained frozen. "I only said I won the lottery as a cover Carlisle, I explained that. I just went in there so fast and started buying things... they had never seen anything like it and I couldn't stop...so when someone asked if I won the lottery or something, it sounded like a good story, so I just said yes. Who knew the local news would show up and put me on camera. It must have been a slow news night... Oh no! Did I look fat? They say the camera adds weight... and I 'm so small, ten pounds on me is huge! I probably looked like Jabba the Hut!! I need to work out Carlisle, can I buy some workout clothes... please... anything...I need to shop, I'll shop for the poor! Will that work?"

Rosalie's reaction was the best. She walked over to her purse and pulled out her credit cards, checkbook and bank card and placed them in the middle of the table. She also laid a white piece of paper on the table which, upon further inspection, was a resume. She looked at me and said. "I will not go back no matter what the threat. I give up all rights to the family money and am prepared to get a job to support myself." When she finished her little speech, she sat back in her chair and returned to filing her crimson fingernails.

Edward flatly said "No." He didn't give a single reason, he didn't offer a compromise, he simply refused. From his body language, I could see he was getting ready to blow. Emmett I'm sure, was giving him a preview of all the great lies he thought he could tell about Edward, or even worse, Bella to make their sessions as uncomfortable as possible.

Bella of course, agreed to do whatever I thought best. How I hoped that she would stay this sweet when she became an indestructible vampire like the rest of them, but somehow, I highly doubted it. As a human she was unbelievably stubborn. When she was a vampire like Edward, the two together would be a force to be reckoned with in no time.

Finally, I looked over at my wife, my rock, and only ally in this whole, feeble attempt to fix our family. She listened as the children went around the table and voiced their opinions. She then dropped my hand from hers, as she stood up to speak.

"I appreciate everyone's honesty, and your opinions really do matter, this is a family decision. I also want to thank you all for going to the therapy sessions, being truthful and giving it a chance. I know it meant a lot to Carlisle. Having said that, I want you to know that I have given Dr. Dover's suggestion a great deal of thought and I have come to the conclusion that there is no way in hell we are going back there, ever again."

And with that, the decision was made, the Cullens were done with therapy.

I spent the next three days dodging Dr. Dover at the hospital. Once, I did hear him call my name as I walked down the hall, so I had to dive into a nearby elevator to avoid talking to him, but other than that, the days passed without incident. I was certain any moment now, Stephenie was going to be calling us to schedule our next appointment, and I had to do something before then. At the end of the third day, I came home from work and went straight into my office, closing the door tightly behind me. Esme picked up on my odd mood, and joined me.

"Carlisle, what's wrong dear?" She asked as she sat down with me on the couch in my office. She lifted up my hand and held it tightly in hers.

"It's this thing with Dr. Dover. I just don't know what to do. I know we aren't going to go back to therapy, and believe me I agree one hundred percent, but how do I tell the guy? He's new to the area, and agreed to do me a huge favor. I feel terrible, having asked him for help, and now he is willing to give us help, but we are refusing it. I just feel so guilty."

"Carlisle, how many times have you had a patient that just didn't click with you? OK, not that often, because most of them are smitten with you the moment they lay their eyes on you." She growled unhappily. "But really, it happens, to most humans, where people's personalities aren't a good fit together, so they try someone else. Why can't you just tell him we found a therapist more in tune with our particular 'family issues'? A specialist perhaps?"

I smiled at my wife, realizing she was right. It was the best solution, to let Dr. Dover know we appreciated what he did for us but tell him we found a specialist to help us work on our issues. I knew what I was going to do, I gave Esme a passionate kiss to thank her for her brilliance and then got off the couch and went to my desk.

I picked up the phone and made two phone calls. The first one was to the hospital. I asked Louise, my secretary to clear my schedule for the next week, because we were leaving on vacation tomorrow. She wished us a safe trip and said she'd take care of everything.

The second phone call was to Charlie. I told him the abridged version of our therapy sessions leaving out the parts about his daughter only marrying Edward for the sex. I simply told him how much I appreciated him letting Bella be a part of it. I asked permission for Bella to join us on a little vacation next week to thank her for being such a good sport. Charlie was a bit shocked by my sudden request, but after some finessing, he agreed, his only stipulation was Bella had to take her homework and stay on top of her studies. I agreed completely and told him Edward would bring her by shortly to pack.

"We're going on vacation are we?" Esme asked suspiciously. "Where are we going?"

"I have no idea, why don't you go ask Alice for suggestions." I could tell Esme was still unsure, but I assured her I would explain everything later. She got off the couch and went in search of Alice to find us a vacation destination full of overcast, cloudy days.

When the door shut behind her, I rummaged through the bottom drawer of my desk for a piece of paper. I took the pen from my shirt pocket and began writing.

_Dear Dr. Dover,_

_First, I wanted to extend my heartfelt thanks to you for agreeing to see my family and I in therapy on such short notice last week. We found ourselves in a very difficult place as a family, with the constant fighting threatening to consume our lives, so knowing you were willing to help was a huge weight off of my shoulders._

_Our sessions with you have been informative and very enlightening. My wife and I were pleasantly surprised at how well the children opened up to you with their feelings, and were more truthful than I ever expected them to be with someone they just met._

_I think in the limited sessions you have had with my children, you can see we have a very unique family dynamic, one I say, you may never have seen before and may never see again. Having said that, we, as a family, find ourselves with an interesting set of issues that relate more directly to our lifestyle than anything else. I know to an outsider, being a vegetarian may sound like a strange cause of stress in a family, but for us, it is a conscious choice we have made and we feel very strongly about it, and unfortunately very few people understand our position._

_I am happy to say that we have a family friend in Alaska who I think will be able to help the children deal with a number of their issues. They too are living a vegetarian lifestyle and know the struggles the children are facing. I can tell you they also have a great deal of experience in 'marital relations' and I think they are the perfect group of women to help Bella make it through until the wedding. With their years of experience with men, Bella will be able to learn a great deal from them. They are very skilled at what they do. I also feel strongly they could help Emmett and Rosalie control their urges a bit more and be more respectful of those around them. _

_Alice, is currently going through her own version of 'shopping detox' for a lack of a better term. I think once she gets through the withdrawal process, she will see things more clearly. She feels terrible about her behavior following our last session and I think she may be ready for real change. I will be monitoring her throughout and if I have any concerns for her mental state I will seek help. But for now, she is doing as well as can be expected. Jasper is being very supportive and helping us keep her as calm as possible. He has stopped manipulating the rest of the family and is now focusing on helping Alice._

_For these reasons and many others, I feel that our therapy will be better handled by our friends in Alaska. The children would be more comfortable there, where the struggles we are facing will be truly understood. They have years and years of experience and are specialists in their respective fields._

_I again want to express my thanks at your willingness to undertake an endeavor such as my family. I have to say, you fared much better than I expected, I thought for sure one of them would eat you alive, but they didn't, which was quite impressive. I hope your secretary remains on her proposed medication schedule and I wish you a long a prosperous career here in Forks. I'm sure our paths will cross again._

_Sincerely,_

_Carlisle and Esme Cullen_

I read the letter over once more before neatly folding it and placing it into an envelope. I addressed it, put a stamp on it and walked it out to the mailbox immediately. By the time I came back into the house, everyone had gathered in the family room.

"We're going on vacation?" Jasper asked with the same suspicious tone Esme used earlier.

"Yes. We will leave tomorrow evening. Bella, I already talked to Charlie and he has agreed that you can come with us, but you need to keep up with your schoolwork while we are away. Tomorrow, make sure you bring home whatever you will need and we'll take it with us. Edward can help you study. "Bella jumped up and down at the thought of going on a trip with us, well mostly with Edward, but I think some small part of her enjoyed the idea of being with the rest of us too. Edward was smiling broadly as Bella hugged him.

_You're welcome Edward._ I thought with a smirk. Edward slightly nodded his head in thanks.

"Where are we going?" Rosalie asked sharply, not wanting to go do anything that required her to do anything other than relax.

"Alice suggested it might be a good time to head up to Alaska for a few days." Esme said glancing around at the children for their reactions. Emmett jumped to his feet, Jasper nodded his head in agreement, Rosalie even cracked a smile. Bella was the only one who looked like she was going to throw up.

"Bella, Tanya will like you relax. It will be fun trust me." I watched Edward trying to reassure Bella about our destination. She listened to him whisper how much he loved her into her ear, blushed and then nodded her head in agreement.

"It's settled then, tomorrow we leave for Alaska!" I said with authority.

"Carlisle?" Jasper called as I tried to leave the room "Why are we suddenly leaving for a week? And why are you so darn anxious?"

"We're running away." Edward laughed. _Stupid mind reading son of mine, shut up!_

"Why are we running? Edward, what is our dear old dad running from?" Emmett asked smirking.

"He keeps thinking 'We are gettin' out of Dodge, We've gotta get out of Dodge." Edward was trying to catch his breath from all the laughter.

"Who are we hiding from now?" Bella screamed, of course panicking, afraid that some new immortal creature was coming to kill her. Her terror got Edward all worked up, which made Emmett laugh, causing Edward to get even more angry. Then Jasper, being bored of course, turned up the fury even more and a wrestling match broke out between Edward and Emmett.

When the lamp crashed to the floor, Alice flew over to the computer and began shopping on the Internet for a new one. She had one eye on the screen and one on the boys, waiting to see what else she could replace. She knew I would insist the boys pay for any damages themselves and therefore she'd get to shop for the first time in days. I'm sure she saw this coming but let it happen anyway... sneaky girl.

"Enough!" I said with force. The boys released one another and sat on the floor looking up apologetically at me.

"Sorry dad..." they mumbled together.

"We are leaving, in a hurry, because... I wrote Dr. Dover a letter firing him as our doctor and I ... I feel bad OK? So I'd rather us get away for a few days and let this thing blow over a bit." I said in a rush. Everyone stayed silent and then Emmett started snickering, Edward buried his face in his hands, Jasper began shaking with silent laughter, Rosalie snickered with her husband, while Bella giggled uncontrollably.

Alice finally sneered. "Afraid of a human are we Carlisle? If you give me my credit cards back _I_ will protect you..."

"Edward, take Bella home to pack. Emmett and Rosalie, go make sure the cars are ready for the trip. Alice you have one hundred dollars to spend on a new lamp. For every penny you go over that budget, you will lose your credit cards for another week. Jasper start finding the suitcases, ladies there will be a three bag maximum for this trip." Groans came from my loving daughters, but I wasn't listening. I took Esme by the hand and we retired into our bedroom for the evening.

The next day, I was feeling a little down, not knowing if Dr. Dover got the letter or not. Hopefully he would take it well, it was a small town, and if he didn't, there'd be gossip which never ends well. Trying to keep my mind off of things, I made sure Esme and I had everything we needed. We would be taking the majority of the luggage with us, Emmett and Rose would get the rest into the Jeep or in the luggage carrier on top. Edward would drive Bella, Jasper and Alice with him. Alice had won the game of Rocks paper scissors against Emmett to see who would get to ride with Bella and listen to her sleep talking.

When everyone returned home from school the boys finished packing the cars while the girls frantically stuffed one more 'important' item into the suitcases before they went out to the car. Bella and Alice were jumping up and down on the last suitcase trying to cram it to maximum capacity while Rosalie wrestled with the bursting zipper. Bella jumped a bit to high and landed with a thud next to the suitcase.

"Are we ready now ladies?" I asked trying not to laugh at poor Bella's clumsiness. "Before Bella hurts herself..."

"We're ready Carlisle." Edward said as he hurried over to Bella to investigate what injuries she may have sustained in her little fall.

Esme walked in, carrying a pile of mail in her arms. She stopped mid way through the room and held up an envelope. "Carlisle?" She said as I walked to her side. I took the envelope in my hand, turned it over and read the return address:

_B.Dover _

_69 Psycho Path _

_Forks, WA 98331_

"Maybe you should wait until we get home Carlisle..." Esme said sweetly, always thinking of my feelings.

"No Esme, lets get this over with, that way it isn't hanging over our heads the entire trip." I swiftly ripped opened the envelope and removed a crisp, white sheet of paper. I glanced at it and let out a laugh. Grabbing the envelope, I examined the postmark to see when it was mailed, the date on it was 2 days ago.

"He mailed his first..." I laughed to myself. As my laughter filled the house, the children looked at me like I had sprouted another head.

Esme was the first to speak. "Carlisle, what is in that letter and why are you laughing?"

Edward who read my thoughts started laughing now too, annoying everyone else that he was in on the joke and they weren't. Bella gave Edward an irritated look and he quickly stopped. Alice was grinning from ear to ear._ She must have see this coming for days..._

"He fired us." I gasped between laughs.

"Who fired us from what?" Jasper asked chuckling from my giddiness.

"Dr. Dover fired us! From his practice..." Everyone except Edward and Alice looked completely confused.

"I don't get it..." Emmett whispered to Rosalie who just shrugged and twirled her finger around her temple, implying I had gone crazy.

"Listen to this..."

_Dear Dr. and Mrs. Cullen,_

_I would first like to thank you for having the faith in me to ask me to treat your family in therapy. I was truly honored that you would entrust your family's care to me. You have a wonderful family, the love and connection between all of you, is undeniably strong. I have truly enjoyed the time I spent getting to know your family._

_That having been said, I have thought for quite sometime about how I should proceed from here. I know we discussed the possibility of having weekly sessions together. Upon further review, I think that may not be the wisest decision for either of us._

_Your family, while doing their best to be open and honest, I still feel there was something big they were holding back. I cannot effectively treat them, if they will not be completely honest with me. Your family seems to be very guarded with everything they think and say. The only truly spontaneous thing I felt was said in all the sessions was when Jasper claimed to be a vampire. The mood in the room changed immediately and for a second and I was worried he thought it was true...but when I realized it was a playful comment, I appreciated his lighthearted candor._

_I also must say, that while I am not a vegetarian, I do have friends that are practicing Vegetarians and none of them seem to struggle the way your family does with the concept. Perhaps it is time for a lifestyle change. I would challenge you to try other diets, such as a vegan, macrobiotic, fruitatarian, or even carnivorous. Try them, and see if perhaps one of them may be better suited for you all. If seems to me, if it is so hard to be a vegetarian, then perhaps you should change to a more natural lifestyle for your family._

_I did as much research as I could to get information on Vegetarian support groups or issues within the vegetarian community. The health and vitamin deficiency concerns are mentioned, but no where could I find mental anguish, physical pain, or even aggression linked to vegetarianism like your children are experiencing. _

_With that being the core of so many of your problems, I think it would be better for you to find another doctor who would be better suited to meet your unique needs. I am under trained in this area and I do not feel it would be in your best interest to be treated by me. I could recommend a sex therapist who I believe could help a number of your children with their issues. His name is Dr. Seymour Bush, and he comes highly recommended, with 15 years experience in his field. I also would recommend an addiction specialist for Alice to help her with her shopping addiction, she has quite a long road ahead of her._

_Finally, again, I would like to thank you again for the opportunity to treat your family. I can assure you that anything we discussed will be kept in the strictest of confidence and I must also let you know that should any problems arise in the next 30 days, please feel free to contact me if you have not found a new doctor by then to treat your family._

_Best Regards,_

_Dr. Benjamin Dover_

The laughter in the room was deafening by the time I got done. Alice was squealing that she wanted to be a 'fruitatarian' instead of vegetarian. Emmett and Edward stopped breathing and were on their knees after I read the name of the sex therapist. Jasper was quite proud his vampire confession made the letter while Rosalie was furious she was snubbed. Bella breathed a sigh of relief that she wasn't mentioned at all.

"Do you feel better dear?" Esme said with a gentle pat on my back.

"I do, he fired us first... I feel free of any guilt I may have been carrying. Boys, I do need some help before we go." I watched my sons do their best to settle down, but they were too far over the edge, I looked to my daughters who always were better at this kind of thing anyway.

"Alice and Rose, I need _your_ help." I waved the girls over and gave them their instructions. Once their job was completed we would be able to leave for Alaska, and take a well deserved vacation.

**RPOV**

Alice and I quickly changed our clothes, the sun was setting and whenever we did one of these missions, we liked to dress the part. We dressed in basic T shirts and jeans, with baseball hats on our heads, obscuring the view of our faces.

As we stepped out of the hospital elevator, I checked left and Alice checked to the right. The only people in the halls were two nurses who were on their way out for the evening. It was dinner time, and most people would be leaving, making our job much easier.

Alice hissed "Janitor" and nodded toward the end of the hall. Sure enough, a 45 year old janitor with graying hair turned the corner and stopped in his tracks when he saw us.

"Give me a second." I hissed as I swaggered in his direction, using the sway of my hips to get his attention. Alice leaned casually against the wall by the office door, pulled out her cell and pretended to send a text message.

"Hi there..." I said in a sultry voice. His eyebrows shot up, not expecting me to use that tone with him.

"Hey.." he mumbled as he nervously shuffled his feet.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I whispered, looking over my shoulder for effect. His eyes were huge as he nodded his head yes. I leaned closer to him and he leaned closer to me, tilting his head to the side, exposing his neck to me.

With blinding speed I did it, I gave him a hard karate chop to the neck, knocking him out cold. He fell head first into the large trashcan he had been pushing down the hall.

"Rosalie Hale! What the heck did you do to him?" Alice shrieked quietly in the hallway as she ran over.

"I knocked him out..."

"Why didn't you just flirt with him and send him off to some broom closet to wait? Why did you do that? Oh my, is he drooling on his shirt? Yuck" Alice said as she glanced in on the poor guy and made a face. I grabbed one of the extra trash bags and laid it over him in the can.

"I was going to send him to his car to wait for me, but that was boring, I wanted to give this a try... It was pretty fun." I said with a smirk. Alice however, was unamused.

"We have a job to do Rose, let's move..." We headed over to the back door to Dr. Dover's office. We listened carefully and we could hear two heartbeats, but they were no where near the door. It sounded like Dr. Dover was in the conference room, so Alice and I silently snuck in the back door to the office. We crept down the small hallway to his inner office door and slipped inside,

We split up and began rummaging through the drawers looking for our charts. We found them in seconds and tucked them into the black messenger bag Alice had brought with her. "Carlisle said no traces..." I whispered, as I continued looking through his desk for any extra notes he may have jotted down.

Alice found a drawer of taped sessions and was flipping through them. "He didn't record us did he? He has to tell us he's doing that right?" she mumbled more to herself than to me. Then I heard her squeal "Oh my gosh, you will never guess who comes to see the dear Dr. Dover!" Alice looked like she may burst.

"It's not our business Alice, Carlisle would kill us if he knew..." I looked over at her as she dangled the tape between two of her fingers. I looked at the name on it and nearly burst out laughing. "Quick, find everything, we'll make copies on his printer... this is great!"

We thoroughly gathered up all traces of the Cullen visits to Dr. Dover, there would be no record of us ever having a session. We also made highly illegal copies of medical records and took a few tapes from recorded sessions, vowing to return the tapes when we returned to town while burning the scanned pages of the chart. Still unnoticed, we scurried out of the office, and heard the janitor starting to come around in the trash can. We found the nearest stairwell and flew to the bottom, making our escape out a side door of the hospital.

"We're back!" I called as we waked into the house. I held the files marked Cullen out to him. I assumed he was going to put them in his office, but he surprised me when he handed them to Esme. He must have seen the confusion on my face because he shrugged his shoulders and said with a laugh "It's a long ride, it should make for good reading material. I'd like to see what the nice doctor had to say about all of us."

_Edward, don't go to the car yet, let Carlisle and Esme go first. Alice and I found something good._

Edward got a mischievous smile on his face for a second and said "Carlisle, why don't you and Esme get going, Bella needs to use the bathroom before we go. We'll be right behind you."

"I do?" Bella asked, but when she saw the look I gave her she turned on her heel and scampered off to the potty like a good little girl.

Carlisle eyed us suspiciously, "Don't be long... Esme dear, shall we?" He held out his arm to her, and still holding our file in her hand, she slipped her arm in his, and headed out the door. We waited until we heard the car pull out of the driveway until Alice said anything.

"Before we show you this, we all need to be sworn to secrecy... understand? Carlisle would have our heads if he knew what we took from Dr. Dover's office. Deal?" I watched everyone nod their heads in agreement, Bella came back just in time to join in the vow. I slowly pulled two tapes from the pocket of my jeans.

"What are those?" Emmett asked as he snatched one out of my hand. Jasper grabbed the other and examined it as well.

At the same time they both shouted "MIKE NEWTON?"

Edward dove at Alice and yanked the chart from her hand, flipping through the pages. Some made him laugh and others made him livid. Bella watched his face utterly confused.

"Bella, don't you get it? Mike is a patient of Dr. Dover's! These are his files and taped sessions... Emmett and I get the tapes first, you guys can have the chart, then we'll switch." I said as I headed for the door, Emmett was right behind me with both tapes in his hand, anxious to get into the Jeep and give them a listen.

As I waited for Emmett to unlock the door for me I saw Edward with his nose in the chart walking over to the Volvo. He stopped dead in his tracks. "Newton is a bed wetter!!!!" His head flew back and he roared with laughter. Alice, Jasper and Bella were still giggling as they got into the car.

I hopped in the passenger seat of the Jeep, and threw the tape into the tape deck. Emmett started the Jeep and when the roar of the starting engine died down, we heard Mike's slimy voice fill the car.

"_You see doctor, there is this girl... and I think... I love her... but I've only talked to her once. Today was her first day at school. Is that strange to be in love already? I can tell she feels the same way too, I see it in her eyes. Anyway, her name is Isabella but she likes me to call her Bella..."_

_**THE END**_

_**Thank you for all the reviews, PM's and laughs you have given me as I wrote this story. I cannot believe how many reviews this story has gotten so fast. Huge Huge thanks to jashaw who gave me the idea and said run with it. I hope I did you proud. Check out her stories everyone...they are fabulous. **_

_**There you have it, another story complete! I do have an idea for what I will do next, after Boycotts wraps up so keep your eyes open. **_

_**Questions I know you will ask : Yes, there really is a street named Psycho Path in the US, just not in Forks... Yes, doctors can really fire their patients and they do send them letters like that...and Rosalie's prostitution charge was related to a game of truth or dare that went bad. HA**_

_**Last poll results: Compromise wins by 10 votes out of the 400 cast! I have a new poll up now, go check it out. I don't know who's all voting for the vile Mike Newton but...YUCK!**_


	18. Award

**Author's note:**

I know these stink, but I have big news!!

Boycotts and Barflies AND Family Therapy Cullen Style have been nominated for a fan fiction award over at thedenalicoven(dot)tripod(dot)com

I put a link to their site on my profile and I'm not sure how long the voting is open so check it out.

Voting opens today and I would love it if you, my super cool, awesome readers could go show me some love and drop me a few votes!

**Boycotts** is up for Best Mature Rated Fanfiction

**Family Therapy** is up for Best Fluffy Fanfiction (this category included comedy, thankfully)

Thanks for reading my silly stories I appreciate it more than you know !!


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